Hey, Mentaku! Inky here for a review, so let's get into it!
It was a cold day for me. I had just experienced a great loss and then while reflecting on myself I found I wanted something.
I'm about to give the age-old advice that every writer has heard at some point in their career. Show, don't tell. Use description to show us that it was cold. Show us the loss and the feelings surrounding it.
The entire prose part of this was very tell-y which wasn't very interesting to read.
And the things that were real for her before she was molded in a body from its spirit form were no longer hers?
This sentence doesn't make any sense. I don't know how to fix it because I can't begin to guess at its meaning.
You Writhed in agony and wept in alarm.
Capitalization error.
Soaring unfathomable your spirit peers
This doesn't make any sense either. I think, this time, it's your use of the word unfathomable. It should be an adverb, at least I think, but even then it doesn't really work in the context. You should probably consider what you mean and reword it for clarity.
Though warm breeze now blew over your face
Now is present tense and blew is past tense, so this line doesn't work.
Yet your searching eyes and now your ears
Being frank, this poem is about a dead child. But why would the child's eyes stop working before the ears? It's just a strange thing to say, especially because you don't talk about what took the child away, only that they're gone.
I kind of got two ideas about this prose/poem work. The first was that it was about a miscarriage or a child who had passed away very young. However, in the last half of the prose part, you mention twice sight, so it begs the question of whether this is about someone who went blind. It's just unclear what exactly is the case here.
Overall, I feel like this was competent, but not spectacular. You need to work on clarity of phrase in both your poetry and prose, and you need to work on description in your prose. The telling aspect did not work to your advantage. I think that taking a different approach on the prose part would not only help the interest factor, but it could also help improve the clarity of the situation if you told it like a story.
If you have any questions or comments, tell me in a reply below.
~Inky
Points: 2200
Reviews: 235
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