in summer i am a sun on stage
with bright rays for smiles and clingy parents.
in summer i am a calm wave that carries
the echoes of days past;
i am the fiery burn of heat
in our skin, steaming, begging
not to end this but also wanting
to taste the paper of success -
to wear the glorious black cap -
i face the crowd with a diploma in hand;
in summer i am -
and in summer i
must carry on again.
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140,292 Literary Works • 673,076 Reviews
Hey, MemoryHunter! cleverclogs here representing Team Batman on this fine Review Day!
So let's get started.
Oooh, this is such a lovely poem you have here. I love the imagery and the comparison to the sun and just- it's amazing. BUT, this wouldn't be a review if I didn't give you some advice, would it?
So after reading some of the comments below, I thought I'd give my input on the capitalization of "i": Not necessary at all. It's totally an artistic choice, and definitely one that I feel fits the lyrical nature of this poem. I agree with you- capitalizing it would give the poem a bit an "off" feeling.
Love love love the metaphor in the first line, and especially how you followed up on it in the second line. My small suggestion here would be to maybe find a way to fit the parents into the sun metaphor. I was getting really into the whole "bright rays" and "sun on stage" imagery, and then talking so straightforwardly about clingy parents kind of snapped me out of it. I'm not sure how you would do that, or if you could even find a way to execute that suggestion well, but maybe you could look into it.
Hmm, I think that "of heat" seems a little redundant here. Like if it's fiery and burning, we know it's heat, right? Maybe try something else that's hot and sun-related, like "solar radiation". Well, hopefully something better than that.
It's probably just me, but these lines were a little confusing to me. Like the first stanza had a very triumphant tone, but this kind of made it a bit bittersweet to me, and I'm not sure why. Was it supposed to be like that? Maybe you can shed some light on this (no pun intended). I'm not the best at interpreting poetry, so I feel like I'm missing something.
Punctuation was flawless. Great job there.
So overall, this was a really great poem. Very emotional. I loved the way you kept up all the sun-related imagery. Keep up the great work!
Thank you for your review! Sorry I noticed it just now because I am busy with real life problems and the like. Thank you for clearing the capitalization thingy dilemma.
As for the other parts of your review, they were clear, concise and I knew what to fix. Thank you so much, you helped a lot, because this poem is going to be published in our newspaper or something, and I needed the feedback to see if it's okay. Again, thank you! o3o
WHOA!!! HOW IS ANYBODY SUPPOSED TO REVIEW THIS? IT'S PURE PERFECTION!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVIEW, BUT I DISAGREE XD I MADE SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS THOUGH HOWEVER I HAVE NEITHER THE POINTS NOR THE TIME TO REVIEW :/
I agree with both of you. XD
Hey !
Its 4eally lovely and nice poem . Only mistake what I found is "i" . May be you've written it and just submitted without checking. So couldn't rechecked . But your concept and way of penning is awesomely wonderful. I like the line..
" I am the fiery burn of heat "
Love the way you use words to carve into a poem. Blessings!
Thank you for your lovely review!
This is a beautiful poem. I feel this is really easy to relate to. I'd just like to point out that the 'i's should be capitalized. Other than that, it really is a lovely poem.
Thank you for your comment!
Isn't not capitalizing in poetry actually a style/accepted? If not, I will gladly capitalize my i's. I often get told to capitalize them but I did it intentionally. I didn't capitalize anything because it gave off a sort of feeling. I don't know. I see others doing it. Is it acceptable?
Hey there,
its me fangirl ( again) I dont know if its a coincidence or something but whenever I open the green room I happen to accidently come across one of your works. but since I already read your work I figured I shall make myself usefull and revie it. so yeah here it goes.
first of all i loved the idea behind your poem. its definetly good but i guess you forgot to capitalize "I" and some other words to.
"in summer i am -
and in summer i" I guess if you dont split this line it would look nice.But since its your poem its totally up to you and if you like it this way then be it.
overall I liked your poem.
so yeah, great job! and keep writing!
Fangirl~
Helloooooo! Thank you for your review! Seriously, I need to review your works but I'm loaded. Perhaps tonight I will make it up to you? Anyways, isn't not capitalizing in poetry actually a style/accepted? If not, I will gladly capitalize my i's. I often get told to capitalize them but I did it intentionally. I didn't capitalize anything because it gave off a sort of feeling. I don't know. I see others doing it. Is it acceptable?