“Please, Mattvey, be reasonable,”
The greying woman sat hunched over her desk. Straggly city sunlight illuminated the room, casting the boy’s shadow sprawling across the floor. He was standing by the desk, everything about him oozing dominance. The woman’s eyes drooped at the prospect of a fight with this particular boy. His stare could make John Cena think twice, with huge dark smudges under his eyes – lack of sleep taking its toll. He had long blonde hair that came down to his shoulders.
The woman sighed and tried again, “you’re one of the cleverest here. You’ve nearly gotten that scholarship!”
“I don’t want to go to a prissy posh school! I don’t care if I’m freaking Einstein! You have no right to dictate what I do!” Mattvey shouted, tensing up again.
“Look, if you get this scholarship, Romano could come with you. Wouldn’t that be –“
“I bet he doesn’t want to go to a posh school either! He’s afraid of everyone here so how do you think he’ll cope in a judgemental place like a goddamned boarding school!?”
“He’ll cope just fine if you’re there.” She said. Her voice stayed, wavering, on its original pitch despite Mattvey’s shouting.
“No, he won’t.” Mattvey snarled, “and I’m fine here. After seven years, I’m as happy as I can be in a place like this,”
“Tough. I’m in charge of you until you’re eighteen. I won’t have you involved in illegal activity.” she looked him dead in the eyes. He stared back with that cold, unflinching look of a lion.
“How did you know? Who told you?”
“I have my sources. It wasn’t anyone you’d know, anyway.”
“Roma told you.”
She laughed, “have more faith. Of course he didn’t.”
Mattvey crossed his arms. “You’re not telling me what to do. I’m going to do what I want, when I want!”
The room fell silent. Even the quiet-but-floor-shaking beat of the music in the lounge downstairs seemed hush for what happened next.
“You are not going to be involved in anything else that’s illegal!” she slammed her fist down on the table. Mattvey shrunk away, a scared eight-year-old once again, “you are not going to leave this house again all month! Yes, you’re grounded. And you are going to get that scholarship!”
Mattvey fought back that wide-eyed fear and stood upright again. The ancient armchair sped back, a cork flying from a champagne bottle, as he stormed away. He glared at the woman, before slamming the door on his way out.
The windowpanes rattled as the door was almost thrown off of its hinges. The woman slumped down, head in her hands. With a muttered curseword, she focused her attention back to the paperwork
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Good afternoon, MemeQueen. AnarchyWolf here to review this first chapter.
I quite like the main character here. He seems fairly well-written, and we definitely get a look at parts of his personality, albeit the less desirable parts of his personality. I'm sure later chapters would show the nicer parts of him, but flawed characters are always good.
The imagery in this passage is, in places, very good. Phrases like straggly city sunlight, and Mattvey shrunk away, a scared eight-year-old again give a lot of insight to the setting and the characters without direct telling.
I feel like this is an awkward way to slip information in. You can do it subtly, like you have in the other parts of the story, and make everything slow so much better than having a clunky, awkward chunk of information that's kind of obvious and sticks out
This John Cena reference should be replaced. This is a great piece of work, and so I don't understand why you'd ruin it with this. It's not funny, and it just takes away from the chapter so much. Replace it with something serious, like maybe a dragon or some other serious creature that can add to the story.
I also feel that more explanation wouldn't go amiss. We can grasp vague concepts, but we need a clearer picture of what's going on in order to really get into the story. That being said, it is a very strong piece of work, and just needs a little bit of minor tweaking before it's really good.
-AnarchyWolf
Hi, MemeQueen. You have a story that has a lot of potential here! The beginning is attention-grabbing and urges readers to keep reading, which is of course crucial to a good story. You also fed readers enough information about your characters and world to keep them intrigued, but not overwhelmed. The only thing that you might want to keep in mind is what POV you're writing in. I see that you've chosen to write in third person, but is it limited or omniscient? Are you writing from the perspective of one of your characters, or multiple? I would suggest to maybe add in your characters' thoughts or actions between long strings of dialogue. For example, maybe you could give insight about why Mattvey is acting the way that he is. Your story will have more flow and it will paint a picture of the setting and characters in your readers' heads. In any case, amazing first chapter. I'm looking forward to how this story unfolds!
Hi there,
I really like your story so far. It's well written, and I already got a feeling who this Mathvey is. I'm unsure who the lady is though. The guardian? The context of the situation unclear to me. I am sure though it would be explained and shown in other chapters. I would guess this boy is in an orphanage.
First, I really do like your writing style. It paints a clear and well put picture of the actions.
For example:
"Even the quiet-but-floor-shaking beat of the music in the lounge downstairs seemed hush for what happened next."
This line could be tightened to add more of an effect.
"Straggly city sunlight illuminated the room, casting the boy’s shadow sprawling across the floor."
I also like this line too however, it should be cut in two sentences. There are just too many verbs. I runs on a little too long. I do this often myself.
Then another minor problem is the comas. I know that you use commas wrong when you used them with "as and before".
This is the correct way.
"He glared at the woman before slamming the door on his way out."
There is no coma before "before"
Or can do...
"Before slamming the door on his way out, he glared at the woman."
I also saw you made this mistake with as.
Another problem I had is when brief descrition of his blond hair. It doesn't fit. It talks about how intimidating and dominant he is, and then you describe his hair which is not as important. It's kind of an awkward afterthought.
Then finally, I did not like the word "ooze". It's alright, but it sound quite right. Personally though "ooze" sounds weird unless it's helping to describing something gross. A different verb should be used to descibe someone intimidating. (boasts)
Reading and reviewing your story was not any trouble. It was a pleasure actually. Please, keeping posting to this site and keep writing!