Published December 18, 2010
It was a full moon, We were staring at each other, I didn't want to ruin this moment but I knew that this wasn't right. He was the person that completed me he was my everything but one mistake he did broke me. Like a Colosseum crashing down because of an earthquake. Except that I didn't break completely because somewhere in my broken heart I still loved him. I knew that if forgave him he would think that meant that he can cheat on me again but if I leave him he'll think that he won because I wasn't strong. I looked at my feet because i didn't recognize him anymore. I had that feeling that all girls have the feeling that whenever you think you find the right man you know it isn't him. It's a outside look of the man you think you love. The only way to find that person is to look by the inside beauty than the outside beauty. I stared at him one last time tears stung my eyes. He tried to keep me by holding my hands really tight but i was strong enough to let go. I started walking away and I heard he was calling my name but I ignore him and left him there with the light of the moon.
By Melanie Joseph
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141,751 Literary Works • 675,680 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
For something in the novel section, this one feels remarkably like a short story here, the ending there has a very final sense to it leaving a sense of some sort of hope...but more like its just a thing left behind in the past. Its a hard feeling to explain there, but yeah, I do get the impression that this is very much over here in this one short paragraph.
The other ting I will have to say here, is that I think while the flow is still really good as is, this could do with being split into maybe three paragraphs, I feel like that will help this flow a little better and allow these emotions to really come to the forefront of the piece here. I don't think this truly needs much fleshing out, you've nailed some of those emotional notes rather well, but you could also drop in a teensy bit more information too.
Overall, this whole tune of a love having gone bad over time is captured quite well, especially those last thoughts about how sometimes things that look really good on the outside maybe not be quite so perfect on the inside is captured in a really neat way here. This makes for a pretty interesting story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there,
For the nitpicks, here it goes.
I know I repeated some of the nitpicks... Sorry for that, I just thought it would be easier to correct if I did the whole text.
I don't know if this is your prologue, but it's awfully short... What is the story, what happened, who are your characters? Now, I assume your first chapter is coming up, right? So make sure these things are written down, because I'm pretty confused right now.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Ok....Aquareed reviewing.
Nitpicks
Ok, this is a huge sentence. I would say: "It was a full moon. We were staring at each other. I didn't want to ruin this moment, but I knew that this wasn't right."
I would put a comma between the "me" and the "everything"
Did you mean to say: "one mistake and he broke me"?
"If I forgave him"
"Because I didn't"
I would put: "all girls have, the feeling that" But that's just me, I like to comma.
"It's an outside look"
Again, I would put a comma or even a full stop)in the bit between time and tears.
"but I was strong enough"
"but I ignored him"
Story Overall
I think that this is actually a really good piece and there are some very well written bits in it (you don't have to write that it was by you at the end of the piece
hello! james here to review.
lets see. ok i accept the story as a good read but i feel it as if its incomplete. i mean you left the reader unanswered that if he was there staring at her, holding her close, calling after her then what was her intution that he was a heart breaker. was he the love that was left by the moon light? i can see that it is how you concluded it. well the vocabulary is good and yes you know the right emotions of young love. it is overall a good plot.
good luck writing and welcome to YWS