Published April 15, 2013
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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
Hey Melanwen!
I love the concept of this poem and I thought it had an interesting progression, I did not expect it to end with the speaker to their knees regretting the downfall of their choice, but I actually love the human-drama aspect of that and the conflicts within the speaker. Some nice emotions you have there!
The only thing that I would suggest on improving is to try and shorten it to make it a bit more concise. I love long poetry -- but if a poem is long, then I expect it to take me places and take me to greater depths. This poem has one theme that is prevalent throughout each line, and so it becomes to get repetitive, especially after the 5th stanza. I'd say anything from the 5th to the 7th stanza could be omitted completely and the poem won't miss a beat.
Also, you'll want to make sure you're being as precise as possible. Remember: Say it once, say it right. There's no need to repeat your sentiment in poetry, because it's so short!
So,
A lot of these hypothetical questions there in the first four stanzas really bogged down and weighted your stanzas and made a crisp, concise idea sort of watered down. I recommend just removing a lot of these hypothetical questions because they don't really add anything, and plus -- a lot of them, like the example above, are usually phrased in pairs of questions that mean exactly the same thing.
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Alright, first thing is first, I found your first stanza to be interesting to be quite honest, but there is one flaw, the third and fourth lines can be improved with one simple change. Just take off the "n't" from "couldn't". It would make so much more sense.
I also think that if you change "dime" to "nail" it would fall more smoothly because time and dime rhyme, where there is no other rhyming throughout the rest of your poem. Plus, do dimes rust? O.o
Fourth stanza, holy crap! I LOVE IT!!! Along with the sixth, seventh, and eighth, just wow! There is so much power within just these three stanzas that is like no other through out the whole piece and it makes it amazing!
I like how you repeated the first stanza at the end with a few changes, I actually just wrote a poem using the same technic. And it is kind of ironic to me that mine is called "If I Can Choose" since both pieces are talking of choices.
I really believe that you hit a home run on this one! I hope you get an A! Oh, and please don't take my criticism to heart, just trying to help you improve!
~Skye~
thank you
Just because I can
Doesn’t mean I should,
Just because I would
Doesn’t mean I couldn’t
But if I did
But if I did
These lines are seriously messed up. I thought they sounded quite silly. No offense. Just you can rewrite then better.
And when I regret it
And to my knees I fall,
Lord, help me remember
That my choice was my downfall
Loved these lines..
Just because I did
Doesn’t mean I should’ve,
Just because I would’ve
Doesn’t mean I could
But I did
But I did
Again, not good. *shakes head* =P
Ok, so the strength of this poem was mostly it's middle part, the starting and ending are weak. Hope you'll work on them.
Keep up the good work!
thank you