Hi again!
This is much better than the previous chapter. I really dig the exchange between Alfred and Bruce. There’s some meaty stuff in there—specifically about identity, and the role of Alfred in raising Bruce and creating Batman. I love Batman stories that aren’t afraid to dig into the complexities of Bruce: his relationship to justice, his relationship to morality, his relationship to himself. I also feel like his feelings for Alfred—and vice versa—are relatively underexplored: Alfred’s so often just this generic butler/father figure/facilitator/advisor, and I like that you’re already showing some of the cracks in their relationship, some resentment and hostility and mixed emotions. Go deep into that. There’s potential for some great character work with this.
I also like that you’re digging into the darkness of Bruce. More of that, please! Bruce is most interesting—at least to me—when his flaws and vulnerability are prominently on display. He’s such an interesting counterpart to blandly good characters like Superman. My only note—and this is a very subjective one—is to maybe not go too deep into the whole “Bruce is tormented because of what happened to his parents” shtick. I know the murder of the Waynes is integral to the Batman story, but I just feel like it’s so overdone. While it was a formative event in Bruce’s life, I’d like to see who he is beyond and outside of that, too. There are other things that happened to him (or could happen to him, in your version) that would also inform his personality and view of the world. I think it would be great to explore avenues that have been commonly neglected in Batman stories, rather than just reverting to the standard “sad boy who is haunted by his parents’ death” thing. Just an idea—I trust you’re going somewhere good with this.
Anyway, time for some specific comments.
Alfred approaches the wooden door frame that leads to the Batcave. It looks like somebody has broken the door.
“Door” is repetitive here. I’d get rid of the second one and change that sentence to, “It looks like somebody has broken in.”
that dark night,
Dark night, dark knight. Gotta love a homonym.
”Never again,” Bruce has said to Alfred, so many times. “Never again will I be caught helpless, off-guard.” In those moments, Alfred simply nods. But he never stops fearing the day Bruce’s impulses take him too far.
My only problem with this is the redundancy: the previous paragraph describes Bruce’s paranoia and determination to never be caught off-guard again, so him saying it doesn’t add anything new. You should cut either this section or some of the lines in the previous paragraph. I think you'd be better off keeping the part I quoted—that cutaway to Bruce actually saying he feels this way and then Alfred’s response to that confession is more interesting than just info-dumping some psychoanalysis. I would therefore suggest you cut it down to something like this:
Alfred approaches the wooden door frame that leads to the Batcave. It looks like somebody has broken the door. As he enters the cave, some scattered wood pieces crunch beneath his feet. There is a big hole in the ground in front of him. Alfred realizes that it’s one of the many traps Batman has planted in and around the cave over the years. “Never again,” Bruce has said to Alfred, so many times. “Never again will I be caught helpless, off-guard.” In those moments, Alfred simply nods. But he never stops fearing the day Bruce’s paranoid impulses take him too far.
“Don’t call me that. It’s Batman. Bruce Wayne is just a frightened child screaming in an alley behind Monarch Theatre. He never really existed beyond that,” says Batman.
I really do like your version of Batman so far. This is a cool line, and I dig the approach of Bruce embracing his Bat persona so completely that he fully rejects Bruce Wayne.
“I did not raise Batman.”
“Maybe you did,” says Batman. He’s staring blankly at the floor.
This part’s also really interesting. The only aspect I don’t like so much is the “staring blankly at the floor.” Something about “blankly” doesn’t jibe with the rest. It also fails to paint much of a picture in my head. What, specifically, does his face look like throughout this scene? His expression is blank, sure, but give me more. Are his eyes empty, dead? Are his lips pressed together in a neutral not-quite-smile, not-quite-frown? Try sprinkling in more details about how the characters and/or settings look throughout your chapters, and describe them in ways more vivid and distinct than simply “he stared blankly.”
Overall, this was very enjoyable to read. I think character dynamics might be your strong suit. The exchange between Bruce and Alfred was so good. I don’t know if you’re planning on making this story more plot- or character-driven, but I think a character-driven approach would be great fun.
Keep up the good work!
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Reviews: 328
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