Inner Light

Hey MegaMoo,

Great username. Shame the poem wasn't to the same creative standard.

Your poem's imagery essentially hinges on the idea of dark clouds/light shining through/rain is bad. That's pretty unoriginal. Dark clouds over your head is overused. The man arriving out of the blue was a little bit strange and badly-handled. Also, why is his motivation "concentration"? I'm not sure that makes any sense at all. Also, I'd leave ellipsis well alone if I was you. It's often the sign of laziness on the part of the author. You could exchange all the times you used it for a full stop.

There's some spelling mistakes in there and you appear to arbitrarily capitalise words. Is there a particular reason for that? I couldn't really understand it.

Keep writing!

Hey Moo!

Overall, I think the idea of the kindness here will work wonderfully for a poem, but I don't think that the way you've wrote it makes it fit together as best as it could.

Try not to repeat words so much, especially word-phrases; it gets boring! Especially if they're so close together, dear. I think you can find another way to say it instead of letting it grow stale by frequent usage. At the beginning, the usage of "I look" is rather boring, as it's very close together, and you're opening the poem with this. In my opinion, openings are the time for first impressions! The best you can do is give us a solid, well developed beginning so that we get a good impression of the poem that makes us want to keep reading.

I'm not sure why you made some words in the middle of your lines begin with capital letters. For me, that throws off the reading flow, because I feel like you're beginning a new idea or something. Try not to use so many capitals, and watch your punctuation.

Towards the end, I feel like the exclamation point disrupts the tone a bit; changes it from solemn to excitement, and I think that given the topic, solemness is the tone to maintain.

Not too bad. I think it needs revision and tweaking in a few places, but I do hope you keep writing.

June

Hey MegaMoo!

At first glance, this isn't structured at all like a normal poem. It should really be broken into stanzas which what really let this poem down. I really didn't understand this poem one bit. It's all over the place. This really needs to be looked over again Until then, I wont say anything else.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)

Okay now its not so much a poem

Hey Moo,

I didn't think this looked at all like a poem. It wasn't in a layout. I felt as if I was reading a sentence or a paragraph that had been well thought out. I think what makes most poetry worthy of being called poetry is the imagery and the flow and there wasn't really enough letters or words in it for it to even have a flow. And my review is longer than your entire poem. I think you could really expand on this or better yet try and write more of a poem.

Keep Writing.

Anger

BTW I do short poetry! Really Short