an ancient radio is the
only thing that breaks the silence –
it tells me that the
winds will be icy cold today.
and although i love the
snow i cannot bear the winds
that promise fresh,
clean air,
then cut you to the
core.
so i wrap myself in
layers
the softest wool cradles
my fragile heart
my thick parka defies
the winds
i am armored,
and strong.
but breathing through a
scarf is hard,
and i can never feel the
tingle of a snowflake on my skin
perfect for an instant –
then gone.
i do not notice its
beauty;
my layers protect me.
loneliness is watching
the snowflakes fall,
tiny gifts from God
that i cannot feel.
but i’d rather
suffocate then let the winds pierce me
again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Howdy! I'm reviewing team tortoise and you're up
Specifics
1. The first line is very prosey and doesn't have much of a rhythm so you may want to play with the order of the words a little more to draw your readers in. I'd suggest something like 'Silence broken only by an ancient radio' because that way we know first that the room is silent and then the sound of the radio is introduced and the second line flows on a bit more smoothly from there. Less words is always more in poetry so if you can take out anything which isn't a noun or a verb or a really strong adjective and have it still make sense then you should.
2. I like the emotion and the thinking process behind the next few lines and the alliteration of 'c' but again I'd suggest making them shorter and crisper and trying to avoid that repetition of winds. Maybe something like:
Silence broken only by an ancient radio
it tells me today of a snowstorm coming in
and although I welcome cold
I cannot bear the winds
who deliver air so clean
it cuts you to the core.
3. The second stanza has a nice simplicity and really echoes the 'strong'. I'd be half tempted to suggest throwing more adjectives in there which I'm normally way against but it might be fun to emulate that feeling of being padded as well. I'd be worried you might lose how nicely it flows though - something for you to consider and maybe play with.
Overall
The ending sentiment of this is really nice and I love the theme of the poem in general, I'd only suggest trying to be a little more poetic in places. It's currently very simple and if you took out the line breaks, it would read like a couple of paragraphs of a story. Some people really like that kind of prose poetry and it often works with a strong narrative voice and spoken out loud to a room or done in slam style. However, I think this kind of poem where you're very dependent on emotions and imagery, would benefit from a few more poetic techniques to back that up and a little more rhythm.
Keep writing!
~Heather
Thank you! This is really useful feedback.
Hi, Meandbooks! RagingLive here to review your popular poem!!
I know that this has quite a few reviews on it already, but I couldn't resist and I hope that you don't mind!
First of all, I think that you have wonderful imagery going for you in this poem. I have found this is a challenge for some, especially in poems, but you pulled it off beautifully! Great job!!
Some of my favorites:
We have had up to seventeen inches in one snowfall before, and a long driveway we have to clear. My mother is always after me to pull up my scarf, but it is so hard to breathe. Good work!
The ending was amazing. I felt every word. The way you used no punctuation but what was necessary for us to read it better looked professional in the formatting, but creative and almost heartbroken. As if the person is too tired, too alone to care.
I think that putting the 'again' on its own line was a nice touch, emphasizing it so that it stands out.
This is a wonderful piece, the phrases about the snowflakes seeming special and unique to your writing. I hope I can read and review more of your poems in the future!
Keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
Nice very vivid imagery. Very nice grammatical skills. Extremely nice use of figurative language. Magnificent similes and metaphors. Beautiful post, inspiring. Splendid job, looking forward to many more!
Hi Mea!
This is a beautiful poem. I really only have one suggestion, but there are many things here that I liked!
I feel like you need a comma after snow, but you've been great with punctuation everywhere else in this.
This is the most beautiful line.
This is such a solid ending- it coveys a lot of meaning. I see this as a metaphor too: The MC has taken measures to protect him/herself against the harsh winds of the world, but his/her armor is so thick that they cannot notice the little wonderful things happening each day. The last line (2?) strikes me as well: "but i'd rather suffocate than let the winds pierce me/again". The MC has felt the winds in the past, and has prepared this time not to feel them. However, there is still something he/she is missing.
Your poem is lovely. It reminds me of myself sometimes. Great job!
-Falco
Thank you so much, you understood this poem perfectly. <3
Hello!
Icy cold in stanza seems to stuck out as they could mean the same thing in this stanza. Although it describes the winds as very cold, it still seems to be like the sore thumb or something.Stegosaurus here for a review!
Wow. This poem is amazing and I enjoyed the imagery you put into this poem. Kudos to you for that. Most people could relate to such a poem since sometimes it gets cold out and you have to find the proper clothing stuff to make you warm inside- and I enjoy that. Also the poetic devices you used in here- such as metaphors and similes- are quite fitting for the poem as it gives the mood and theme.
A few things I like to point out in this poem- and it is a few.
As from what Artemis said below me, the meaning of this poem is nice too- as well as the imagery that follows after the poem.
I hope to read more of your work and poems to come! If you have any questions, ask me.
Steggy
Thank you for the review, I'm glad you liked it.
Hello, Meandbooks! Artemis here to review!
So lets begin. In the second stanza, you talk about your parka and shirts or whatever you're wearing. Then you say that you're armored and strong. I just don't get how strong and thick parkas go together... I know it's an expression, but your choice of words kind of contrasts the sentences, and you don't want to do that. I'd suggest you say "i am protected/against the chill" or something like that.
"the softest wool cradles my fragile heart
my thick parka defies the winds
i am armored,
and strong."
The meaning of this poem was nice, too! I really liked it, and reading this made me ironically feel warm and fuzzy inside. But I'm wondering... Is it cold over where you live? Because down here, in the south, I'm pretty much a puddle of sweat. I'm serious. Otherwise, though, good job! Keep writing, my friend!
-Artemis28
Thank you for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
And no, thankfully it's still pretty warm where I am, but I was thinking about how winter is coming and it sort of inspired this.
Oh...