Young Writers Society

Howdy! I'm reviewing team tortoise and you're up

Specifics

1. The first line is very prosey and doesn't have much of a rhythm so you may want to play with the order of the words a little more to draw your readers in. I'd suggest something like 'Silence broken only by an ancient radio' because that way we know first that the room is silent and then the sound of the radio is introduced and the second line flows on a bit more smoothly from there. Less words is always more in poetry so if you can take out anything which isn't a noun or a verb or a really strong adjective and have it still make sense then you should.

2. I like the emotion and the thinking process behind the next few lines and the alliteration of 'c' but again I'd suggest making them shorter and crisper and trying to avoid that repetition of winds. Maybe something like:

Silence broken only by an ancient radio
it tells me today of a snowstorm coming in
and although I welcome cold
I cannot bear the winds
who deliver air so clean
it cuts you to the core.

3. The second stanza has a nice simplicity and really echoes the 'strong'. I'd be half tempted to suggest throwing more adjectives in there which I'm normally way against but it might be fun to emulate that feeling of being padded as well. I'd be worried you might lose how nicely it flows though - something for you to consider and maybe play with.

Overall

The ending sentiment of this is really nice and I love the theme of the poem in general, I'd only suggest trying to be a little more poetic in places. It's currently very simple and if you took out the line breaks, it would read like a couple of paragraphs of a story. Some people really like that kind of prose poetry and it often works with a strong narrative voice and spoken out loud to a room or done in slam style. However, I think this kind of poem where you're very dependent on emotions and imagery, would benefit from a few more poetic techniques to back that up and a little more rhythm.

Keep writing!

~Heather

Hi, Meandbooks! RagingLive here to review your popular poem!!
I know that this has quite a few reviews on it already, but I couldn't resist and I hope that you don't mind!

First of all, I think that you have wonderful imagery going for you in this poem. I have found this is a challenge for some, especially in poems, but you pulled it off beautifully! Great job!!

Some of my favorites:

an ancient radio is the only thing that breaks the silence-

the softest wool cradles my fragile heart

i am armored,
and strong.

but breathing through a scarf is hard,

but i’d rather suffocate then let the winds pierce me
again.

Nice very vivid imagery. Very nice grammatical skills. Extremely nice use of figurative language. Magnificent similes and metaphors. Beautiful post, inspiring. Splendid job, looking forward to many more!

Hi Mea!
This is a beautiful poem. I really only have one suggestion, but there are many things here that I liked!

and although i love the snow i cannot bear the winds

the softest wool cradles my fragile heart

loneliness is watching the snowflakes fall,
tiny gifts from God that i cannot feel.
but i’d rather suffocate then let the winds pierce me
again.

Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

Wow. This poem is amazing and I enjoyed the imagery you put into this poem. Kudos to you for that. Most people could relate to such a poem since sometimes it gets cold out and you have to find the proper clothing stuff to make you warm inside- and I enjoy that. Also the poetic devices you used in here- such as metaphors and similes- are quite fitting for the poem as it gives the mood and theme.

A few things I like to point out in this poem- and it is a few.

it tells me that the winds will be icy cold today.

Hello, Meandbooks! Artemis here to review!

So lets begin. In the second stanza, you talk about your parka and shirts or whatever you're wearing. Then you say that you're armored and strong. I just don't get how strong and thick parkas go together... I know it's an expression, but your choice of words kind of contrasts the sentences, and you don't want to do that. I'd suggest you say "i am protected/against the chill" or something like that.

"the softest wool cradles my fragile heart
my thick parka defies the winds
i am armored,
and strong."

The meaning of this poem was nice, too! I really liked it, and reading this made me ironically feel warm and fuzzy inside. But I'm wondering... Is it cold over where you live? Because down here, in the south, I'm pretty much a puddle of sweat. I'm serious. Otherwise, though, good job! Keep writing, my friend!

-Artemis28