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Young Writers Society



Shaping Faith: Chapter 5, Part 2

by Mea


Verona broke into a huge grin. “Lani!” she cried, flinging herself at her friend. “I’ve missed you so much!”

They held each other tight, and for a moment, Verona everything that had happened in the last couple of months, all the times Verona had cursed Lani for not being there when she needed her, were intangible and unimportant compared to their reunion. Lani was here, now, and in the arms of her friend Verona felt happy for the first time since that fateful day on the tram.

They broke apart, and Verona got a good look at her friend for the first time in two months. She would have liked to say that Lani hadn’t changed, but that wasn’t true. Her friend’s once long, blond hair was now cropped shorter than Verona’s in a boy’s crew cut, and that wasn’t the only change. She wore a utilitarian jumpsuit, with a belt hung with gear cinched around her waist. There was something more alert, more confidant in the way she stood, and a lasergun dangled easily from her hip.

“I’ve missed you too,” Lani said. “Being in the Absolutes is great, but I’ve missed everybody. You’ll have to tell me everything that’s happened, but not now. Unfortunately, we’ve got a deadline to meet.”

“What do you mean?” asked Verona.

“We’ve got to get back to Base 4 and get you settled in. In a few moments, they’ll find out you’ve escaped, and there’ll be a manhunt underway.”

“But then we can talk, right?” Verona said.

Lani looked hesitant. “Yes, of course we’ll talk, but Verona, you’ve got to understand the way all this works. I’ve got jobs to do, and you will too once you’re initiated. We might not be able to see each other that often. I don’t think they’ll give you a job like mine.”

“What’s your job?” asked Verona.

“Oh, I’m a field agent,” said Lani proudly. “Best job there is. It’s how we get all the important stuff done – meetings with informants, infiltrations, assassinations. Ulna’s one of us – she’s been undercover at the prison for a while now. But being a field agent means I’m gone a lot. And it’s dangerous.” Her eyes sparkled.

“That sounds…great,” said Verona, disappointed and a little concerned. She was starting to realize just how thoroughly she had managed to cut herself off from everyone and everything she knew and what she had gotten herself into. All she had left was Lani, who would be gone all the time. And Lani’s description of her job – assassinations? It looked like the Absolutes might be playing more dirty than she’d known. Great job, Verona, she thought. You’ve managed to screw things up quite nicely for yourself.

But another voice inside her said I’d do it again, if only he had died.

Footsteps, many and hurried, sounded in the distance and broke the awkward silence. They were coming for Verona, searching the surrounding area in the hopes Verona hadn’t teleported away already. Lani looked alarmed.

“We’ve got to hurry. Here, let me teleport you.” She stepped forward and placed her hands on Verona’s temples. Verona could feel Lani’s mind pressing against her own. They couldn’t form a psychic connection – only twins had one – but the Rooms were intersection points between minds. With permission, a friend could bring you into their Rooms, and vice versa, allowing them to be teleported to a location they haven’t been to before.

It could also allow that friend to Shape your body, but that required much more trust, as body Shaping was dangerous and difficult to get right.

“Let me in,” Lani urged. “Don’t worry, we’ll brief you on where the base is later.”

In spite of herself, Verona hesitated. She trusted Lani, but she was also sure that Lani would believe almost anything the Absolutionists told her, and in spite of their help, she didn’t trust them. They had helped her escape because they knew Nirvana hadn’t meant for her to be imprisoned, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t dispose of her if they saw her as a threat.

Of course, it wasn’t like Verona had anywhere else to go, so she opened her mind and let Lani pull her into the Room.

Verona had never been in another person’s Room before. It wasn’t much different from her own, except that her Room only had a few dozen worlds in it, and of those only her homeworld was anything other than a gray, featureless sphere.

Lani’s Room, however, seeming filled to bursting with globes. In reality, there were probably only a few more globes than Verona had, but almost every one of Lani’s globes were pockmarked with color, and some were nearly all the way full.

“Do you like it?” Lani asked.

“It’s amazing!” Verona said. “How have you been to all these places?”

Lani laughed as she selected a globe and started zooming in on their destination. “Knowing the lay of the land is very important in the Absolutes, especially in my job. We believe in using the gifts Nirvana gave us to their fullest extent, something the government isn’t very good at doing. I haven’t actually been to all of these places – the ones that are filled all the way in are because I studied maps of them. Studying them lets us teleport to more specific areas, even if we haven’t been to them before.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” asked Verona. “You don’t know what’s there – you could teleport into a brick wall.”

Lani opened her mouth to answer, but she suddenly went rigid, as if she had been hit from behind. She uttered a surprised grunt, then keeled over onto the floor, clutching her stomach.

Verona rushed to Lani’s side, hardly able to understand what had happened. They must have found us. But why - why would they shoot? And why haven’t they shot me? Lani was struggling to speak, but the Room was going fuzzy and breaking up, and Verona knew her friend was about to lose consciousness or worse. She couldn’t see the wound in the Room, but it didn’t seem good.

Suddenly, every muscle in Verona’s body seized up and burned like they were on fire. She fell to the floor, twitching, screaming against the pain.

Through eyes half-closed with pain, Verona saw Lani reach up with a last burst of strength and touch their destination. The Room dissolved in a blur, but Verona couldn’t tell if it was the normal blur of transport, or if her friend's soul had gone to Nirvana and her Room no longer existed.


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Sun Feb 28, 2016 1:03 am
ChimeraMania says...



They held each other tight, and for a moment, Verona everything that had happened in the last couple of months, all the times Verona had cursed Lani for not being there when she needed her, were intangible and unimportant compared to their reunion.


Lani was here, now, and in the arms of her friend Verona felt happy for the first time since that fateful day on the tram.


So I noticed someone has already commented about this, so make sure you change it.

Other than that everything was easy to understand. I LOVE the ending.




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Fri Oct 23, 2015 9:09 pm
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erilea wrote a review...



Why can't I stop reviewing your chapters? Well, they're too good. I'm sure that by now, you know that. :)

Lez go! So, I think I mentioned this nitpick in one of my other reviews, but "confidant" should be "confident." Just a spelling error.

"There was something more alert, more confidant in the way she stood, and a lasergun dangled easily from her hip."

I have two little nitpicks right here. Ah, the dreaded. When Verona is "screaming against the pain", how does that work? Screaming "against" it? I would like you to elaborate on that, or change it. Also, you mention pain two times in a row, too close to one another. I think it sounds kind of awkward.

"She fell to the floor, twitching, screaming against the pain.

Through eyes half-closed with pain, Verona saw Lani reach up with a last burst of strength and touch their destination."

I've run out of things good to say for your chapters, but I think you get the idea. Good job and keep writing, Meandbooks!

-Artemis28




Mea says...


Thank you for all the reviews! I'm really glad you're enjoying this story. :D



erilea says...


You're welcome! Are you continuing it?



Mea says...


Yes, I am. It's my LMS story, so I've got to write something for it every week. In fact, I should have another chapter posted either today or tomorrow.



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Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:45 pm
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

¡Hola, Youandnovels! Me again!

Verona broke into a huge grin.

It would make more sense if you said, "Verona's face broke into..."

That's the only nitpick I'm going to point out. Carlito mentioned most of them below.

Before I go on to commenting on this chapter, there's something I forgot to mention about the prison. It seems very odd to me that Verona and Ulna were able to step outside the prison doors and be free instantly once they're outside. Shouldn't there be security cameras out there? A barbed wire fence to scale? An armed guard outpost? Some high-tech barrier? This isn't just a jail, where the sheriff would keep people locked up for the time being until they get a court ruling. This is prison, where Verona would have supposedly spent twenty years of her life. The prison police are going to expect escapes, so I wouldn't think that they would make it so simple. Like Carlito and I said, pump up the action and the conflicts! Verona's hurried climb over a barbed wire fence or a squeeze through a narrow hole Ulna had dug the night before would be exciting!

Alright, so this chapter. My thoughts: woah. What happened to them? We just got to meet Lani and now it seems like someone's tried to kill her, and Verona as well. Them cliffhangers!

Why hasn't Verona been inside of anybody else's Rooms? Rooms are clearly a big part of these people's lives, and I would think that you would have visited all your close friends' or family members.' Here's what I would do: explain that there's some risk in visiting the room of someone else. Verona hasn't done it before because it hasn't been absolutely necessary.

I'm starting to have my doubts about the Absolutionists as well. Verona thought so highly of them as justice-bringers and friends, but the cold, hard fact that her friend Lani is in it and organizes/commits assassinations is difficult to swallow. Now, Verona has already tried to commit an assassination, so the Absolutionists should know she's got it in her. Maybe that's what she's scared of. She doesn't want to make a living murdering people. She hadn't bargained for that. She just wanted justice, especially after her mother's death.

This novel is so entertaining to read! Keep up the great work! :)




Mea says...


Your right in that the escape should be more exciting, but this isn't the prison where she's supposed to spend 20 years. That's what she was going to get transferred to before she escaped. This is the jail where she was kept for her trial. But yeah, I'm going to make it more exciting. :D

And really, the only reason to go into somebody else's Room would be to go off-planet without going through Customs. Verona hasn't had a reason to do that, so that's why it hasn't happened. I may change this, though.

Thanks for the review!



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Sat Sep 05, 2015 5:41 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! :)

General thoughts.
I thought this was good and exciting to read. You gave a lot of nice world info in a non-info dumpy way and kept it face-paced. The only thing I wasn't a big fan of was the ending. To me, it felt a little abrupt. Everything was going fine, and then something happened (I didn't think it was super clear about exactly what happened to Lani) and then things start spiraling out of control but then they end up getting away (maybe). I liked the suspense and the cliff-hanger there at the end, but the last four paragraphs when shit hits the fan go so quick. I think you could make what happened to Lani a little more clear and expand this ending a little more. I didn't feel anything, but I think if you include more description or emotion it could be really shocking.

Character wise, I'm intrigued by Lani. I don't have a strong sense of her personality or who she is in this section, but it's still very early. I like that she seems tough but also has a fun side or sense of humor. I'm curious to see if she'll be a good or bad influence on Verona or if she'll be a good or bad girl (or something else entirely). And I guess I'm curious to see if she survives (but I sort of think she will.) :)

Specific thoughts.

They held each other tight, and for a moment, Verona everything that had happened in the last couple of months, all the times Verona had cursed Lani for not being there when she needed her, were intangible and unimportant compared to their reunion.

I slashed ", Verona" because I don't think you need that comma, and I thought Verona sounded weird there.
This sentence is pretty long, but I think it works. Content wise, I'm not sure I remember when Verona "cursed Lani for not being there when she needed her". Maybe she did when she first got that letter, but I don't remember this being a recurrent thing and "all the times" implies it has been.

Lani was here, now, and in the arms of her friend Verona felt happy for the first time since that fateful day on the tram.

I don't think you need the commas around "now". And I feel like there's some funny stuff going on around "Verona". I think it sounds weird as is. I think you could make a new sentence starting there. I think you could do a comma after "friend" and add a transition word like "and" before Verona. Or you could change the order of some of the words like, "...in the arms of her friend, making Verona feel happy for the first time..."

Her friend’s once long, blond hair was now cropped shorter than Verona’s in a boy’s crew cut, and that wasn’t the only change.

Slashed part isn't necessary. We'll see the rest of the changes here in a second.

She wore a utilitarian jumpsuit, with a belt hung with gear cinched around her waist.

You don't need the comma before "with".

In a few moments, they’ll find out you’ve escaped,

I think it would sound better if you flipped this: "They'll find out you've escaped in a few moments" and it also takes out the need for that comma.

And it’s dangerous.” Her eyes sparkled.

Great glimpse into her personality - she's not afraid of (and maybe even seeks out) danger.

She was starting to realize just how thoroughly she had managed to cut herself off from everyone and everything she knew and what she had gotten herself into.

This felt a little wordy to me and I think you achieve the same idea without that slashed part.

All she had left was Lani, who would be gone all the time.

But soon she'll have more people, right? Joining the Absolutes will give her a whole slew of other people to be with.

But another voice inside her said I’d do it again, if only he had died.

I'm a little confused by this thought. Do what again? - Try to kill Murrin? Join up? What does that have to do with wishing he (who I'm assuming is Murrin) died? Wouldn't things have been worse off for her if he had died?

Footsteps, many and hurried,

I think "Hurried footsteps" would sound better. I think it would imply that there were many, especially when the next sentence refers to "they".

It could also allow that friend to Shape your body, but that required much more trust, as body Shaping was dangerous and difficult to get right.

Interesting detail, but I'm not sure we need to know it right now. If shaping bodies ever happens, that would be the time to include this little tid-bit.

In spite of herself, Verona hesitated. She trusted Lani, but she was also sure that Lani would believe almost anything the Absolutionists told her, and in spite of their help, she didn’t trust them. They had helped her escape because they knew Nirvana hadn’t meant for her to be imprisoned, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t dispose of her if they saw her as a threat.

I'm not sure where these doubts have come from. I thought she was on the Absolutionists side and I thought part of the reason why she wanted to contact Lani was to join up? Is she questioning it now because of Lani's job and the knowledge that the Absolutionists aren't as squeaky clean as she thought? Why doesn't she trust them? And why would she possibly be a threat to them? Where did the idea that they would dispose of her if they saw her as a threat come from?

And I've already talked about the ending :)

I'm looking forward to the next part! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!!




Mea says...


Yeah...Verona should probably have a bit more blind faith in the Absolutes. I think at first, as she joins and sees all their propaganda, she'll be totally on their side. And then....*evil grin*

The whole ending bit was kind of spontaneous, 'cause I realized the escape had been way too easy. I'll probably go back over the last few parts and make it so they meet some actual obstacles. Then it won't feel so out-of-the-blue.

Thanks very much!



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Sat Sep 05, 2015 4:29 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey! I'm going to review here! :D

First, the suggestions (which are few, you've my job harder D:);

Spoiler! :
They held each other tight, and for a moment, Verona everything that had happened in the last couple of months, all the times Verona had cursed Lani for not being there when she needed her, were intangible and unimportant compared to their reunion.


Removed the first "Verona".

Lani was here, now, and in the arms of her friend Verona felt happy for the first time since that fateful day on the tram.


Remove the first comma, you don't want to make fragments out of the "now".

There was something more alert, more confidant in the way she stood, and a lasergun dangled easily from her hip.


"More confident..." since confidant bring in other meaning.

And Lani’s description of her job – assassinations? It looked like the Absolutes might be playing more dirty than she’d known.


"Dirtier" instead of "more dirty".

But another voice inside her said I’d do it again, if only he had died.


This sentence confuses meh! D: She would dot if he has died? Which means she would keep doing it when he dies? >.> I think you mean "... if only he would die".

They had helped her escape because they knew Nirvana hadn’t meant for her to be imprisoned, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t dispose of her if they saw her as a threat.


"... wouldn't dispose her..." Remove the "of".


About the plot, characters, and settings;

Dayyum, the plot! We've introduced in this Room concept which is interesting. It isn't fully fleshed her - is the Room a mental state, and how different it is compared to "minds"? And what do you mean about "in reality"? Does this mean there's a real Room somewhere? o-o The best part of this subchapter though is definitely the moment when they're being attacked - at least, that's what I got with the descriptions you gave us. I'm thrilled to know more about it! :O

Lani is an interesting character - obviously courageous and likes to take risk, but believes other's saying easily, at least based on Verona's view of her. I would like to see more about her, and how she's involved in this story. I don't think she would be majorly involved though, given her saying that she's busy and whatnot. I also wonder the state of her relationship with Verona too, given they might not see each other as frequent as before.

Descriptions - nicely delivered. Nothing much to say here, you've portrayed the Room in a nice way, and your vocabulary is top notch. Just be aware of the little typo mistakes you've made.

That's all! Keep up the good job! :D





"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening