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Young Writers Society



Lines of Faith: Chapter 2, Part 2/2

by Mea


Verona sat on the edge of the couch, staring at the countdown on the smartwall. She didn’t want to miss a single second of the trial.

It had been a week since the funeral, and she and Analia had moved back to their dorm. Classes had started again, and soon her time had been consumed with homework and studying. Verona couldn’t believe how everything had gone back to normal so fast. Life just…continued. It didn’t seem right. And although she had been keeping busy, her thoughts turned to Murrin’s trial at every spare moment. Technically, it wasn’t a criminal trial, just a hearing. But a murderer deserves a trial, if only to prove his guilt.

At last, it had come. Verona and her family were not allowed to attend, for fear of biasing the proceedings, but they were allowed to watch. It was streamed directly to their homes, just for them.

“Are you sure you won’t watch it?” Verona called to Analia, who was in the kitchen cooking something. Whatever it was, it smelled good.

Analia moved into view, looking hesitant. “Yeah, I’m sure. Just – tell me the verdict, okay?”

“Okay.” Verona said.

A moment later she asked “What do you think he’ll get?” She was trying to act casual, but Analia saw right through her.

“Verona, don’t you think you’re a little – obsessed? I mean, you’ve asked me that question at least five times in the past few days.”

“He killed our mother! Don’t you want to see him brought to justice? According to Nirvana’s laws, he would be executed.”

“You don’t know that,” Analia said, “It was an accident. These things happen. We can’t know what She would judge.”

“Well, this is Kyran, not Nirvana’s Hall. We make our own judgements based on what we know of Hers. And I say he should have been more careful,” Verona said, slamming a pillow across the couch.

“So he deserves to be locked up forever? See, this is why I’m not sure about any of this anymore. I don’t want to hold a grudge, I want to get on with my life! I understand, I’m angry too, but I just want to move on. I don’t want it taking over my life, don’t you see?” Verona could feel Analia’s pain, but there was no anger in it.

Verona snorted derisively, knowing she was out of control but not caring, furious at Analia’s lack of anger. “You never get angry – well, you never stay angry. Maybe you can’t hold a grudge, but I can, and I think prison’s too good for him.”

Verona could see how her anger shocked her twin. She stared stubbornly at the screen, feeling a sort of vicious pleasure. Analia had always been the forgiver, but it was about time she learned that some things can’t be forgiven.

The silence was broken by a friendly voice announcing that their broadcast was ready. Analia left the room without a word, and Verona turned her attention back to the smartwall, eager to see how the hearing would play out.

As the hearing unfolded onscreen, Verona grew more and more angry. Murrin’s lawyers were good. Too good. According to them, it was the hovercar that had caused the crash. Apparently its coolant system had been faulty. Murrin had failed to notice the indicator light, and the car had crashed in a busy lane. A total of four fatalities, including Verona’s mother. Murrin hadn’t got a scratch, a fact that made her blood boil every time she thought about it.

But Verona refused to accept their explanation. It couldn’t be something that stupid. It just couldn’t. They’ve got to be hiding something. He can’t be innocent. Nirvana wouldn’t be that unfair. If he completely wriggled out of trouble, Verona wouldn’t be able to bear it.

At last, the verdict came. Murrin had to pay a heavy fine, and his driver’s license would be revoked for a year. Verona couldn’t bear to look at his smug face on the wall. She fled to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her and ignoring the jolt of surprise that came from Analia.

Once in private, she only held herself in check long enough to cut off her emotions from Analia. Her twin already thought she was obsessed – she couldn’t let her see her like this. Then she broke, burying her face in her pillow and sobbing silently. Hot, angry tears dripped down her face. Her glasses dug into her skin where they rested on the pillow. She yanked them off and threw them across the room and flung herself back on the bed.

Her anger faded into self-pity, and soon she was crying not just because of the verdict, but because of the sheer unfairness of it all. Mom didn’t deserve to die, and we don’t deserve this pain.

Verona knew life was terribly unfair to some people, but she had never expected to be one of them. More than ever, she understood the mission of the Absolutes. They couldn’t stop things like this, but they could stop the injustices caused by people. If they wrote the laws, they would make sure Murrin was punished.

She sat up straight, a sob catching in her throat. The government wasn’t going to make Murrin pay. But she could.

She sat there for a long time, thinking intently. Her sobs had faded, her tears dried. Once, Analia sent a probing thought, /Are you okay?/, but Verona didn’t respond. She made a final decision, and sent a message on her comwatch.

Hey, Murrin, it’s me, Verona. You know, Pami’s daughter. I…need to talk to you. About Pami. Can I come to your place sometime tomorrow? If you don’t want me to, I’ll understand, but I’d be very grateful.

He replied within only a few minutes.

No, I’d like to talk to you too. It’s been weighing on my mind for a while. How about tomorrow evening at six?

Verona was supposed to be in Honors Chemistry then, but this was more important.

That works. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.


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558 Reviews


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Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:41 am
erilea wrote a review...



I really, really can't help myself. I just can't. Artemis28 here, for yet ANOTHER review! :) Don't get tired of me quite yet, Meandbooks. :D

First off, a nitpick! Yes, the dreaded nitpick. I just recently learned this rule, but apparently you have to put a space after the ellipsis. Grammatical rules, I know. But they're necessary.

"Life just…continued."

Another thing I'm confused about. The "Absolutes"... either I have really short-term memory, or you haven't mentioned them before. Did you mean the Arbitrators? I'm not sure if you meant that, or the Absolutes are something different. Because you say they're stopping individual injustice, so...

The ending was the same as the last chapter. I think you could've finished it off more, something tying it up like a present. Just ending it with a message kind of seems abrupt.

That was all! I just cannot stop raving about your chapters. You're just so amazing at writing this. I look at my chapters like, "Okay, I guess they're alright." And then I read yours, and I'm just like, "Okay... I can't write." Like, at all. You put me to shame. But in a good way, if you can believe it. Good job and keep writing! :D

-Artemis28




Mea says...


Thanks for all the reviews! Trust me, they're received with open arms.

And yeah, I am referring to the Arbitrators when I say "Absolutes." I keep changing their name, so sorry about that. I've pretty much decided on Absolutes, so in my later chapters I stick to that.



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Fri Sep 25, 2015 5:36 pm
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Chaser wrote a review...



Well, I'm jumping in partway through, but...whoa.

It's pretty astounding how you're able to capture a character like Verona, and push her to her utmost limits. At the same time, you easily contrast her with her twin, showcasing the two polar opposites of an offended soul. It'll be interesting to see how the two develop as the story progresses.

Just a few spots:

Analia left the room without a word, and Verona turned her attention back to the smartwall, eager to see how the hearing would play out.

As the hearing unfolded onscreen, Verona grew more and more angry.

As has been said, I think this would be better portrayed play-by-play. But I also think you're missing an emotion here. SHOCK!!! Up until now, Verona's eyes have been glued to the screen, eager to see Murrin get what's coming to him. She fully expects Murrin to be found guilty. Wouldn't she be at least a bit surprised, or at least dismayed as the mood in court shifts in Murrin's favor? Detailing those feelings as they happen could lend itself to that emotion.

Verona turned her attention back to the smartwall,

Verona was already looking at the smartwall, right? Unless you say that she watched Analia leave, it's a bit confusing continuity-wise.

As for the plot, it's pretty intense. Verona's anger at a broken bond puts strain upon another, and the underlying mystery of the Absolutes drives the plot forward. And now the reader can only guess what will happen when Murrin and Verona collide.

Overall, it's good. It could be elaborated upon in some spots, but other than that, it's got an excellent flow and a fitting tone, coupled with some interesting characters at odds. Cheers!


-Chaser




Mea says...


Thank you for the review!



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Wed Aug 05, 2015 3:28 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



I'm first on this part! :D

Reader thoughts.
This felt like a different chapter than the last part rather than a continuation of the last chapter. The last part was all about the grief and the funeral and now time has passed and the trail happens.

I really like the continued development of Verona and Analia. I love how different they are, they each feel like unique people with distinct traits and personalities. I also love their interplay and how they interact with one another. That's really nicely done.

I feel like the plot is moving forward nicely. There were times that this slipped into too much telling for my taste. Especially if you decide to break this part and the last part into two separate chapters, you'll have lots of space to stretch this out and show us more. But that being said, the plot if moving forward and you're doing a nice job keeping us in enough suspense to keep us reading, while not making us so confused we want to give up :)

I'm not sure what the main plot line is going to be yet because I feel like there are a couple of different directions this could go. I have a idea about where it's going, and I have lots of ideas about where subplots could go, so I'm curious to see how you develop it :)

Editing thoughts.

Classes had started again, and soon her time had been consumed with homework and studying.

I thought this was worded a little funny. The "had been consumed" is what's getting me.

Technically, it wasn’t a criminal trial, just a hearing. But a murderer deserves a trial, if only to prove his guilt.

I don't think you need this. I think it would punchier if you moved right from her thinking about the trial to "the day is here!"

At last, it had come.

I like short sentences, but I don't like the comma in the middle. I think it breaks it up and takes away the power. I would experiment with how you can say this without a comma.
"The day had come at last", "The trial was here at last", "The day of the trial was finally here" are a couple of ideas :)

Verona and her family were not allowed to attend, for fear of biasing the proceedings, but they were allowed to watch. It was streamed directly to their homes, just for them.

Nice little world detail.

Verona called to Analia, who was in the kitchen cooking something. Whatever it was, it smelled good.

I think you can make this little detail stronger. I think you do a period after "Analia" and then start a new sentence describing where she is and what's she's doing. Include the description about what she's cooking and what it smells like in the same sentence that you talk about her cooking.

“Okay.” Verona said.

A moment later she asked “What do you think he’ll get?” She was trying to act casual, but Analia saw right through her.

You've got a bit of a tricky job because you're in third and you have two female speakers. So when you say 'she', sometimes it's difficult to know which 'she' it is. The one I put in bold confused me the first couple of times because it wasn't until the end of the paragraph that I learned which 'she' it was. Usually when you start a new paragraph in dialogue it's because a new person is talking, so that's what I assumed was the case here, but you did a new paragraph to signify the passage of time (which is fine). I would recommend using a little more description to transition that moment. What is Verona doing during that moment? Is she standing there thinking? Does she get a drink of water? Check the time? That might help make a smoother transition and help the reader with who is talking.

"So he deserves to be locked up forever? See, this is why I’m not sure about any of this anymore. I don’t want to hold a grudge, I want to get on with my life! I understand, I’m angry too, but I just want to move on. I don’t want it taking over my life, don’t you see?” Verona could feel Analia’s pain, but there was no anger in it.

I'm getting a good feel of Verona's emotions based on the exclamation marks and her actions, but I'm not getting quite the same from Analia. What's her tone here? Her facial expression or body language? Verona is telling us that she's in pain but isn't angry, but I want to see that.

Verona could see how her anger shocked her twin.

Show us that. What does that look like? How does she see that?

As the hearing unfolded onscreen, Verona grew more and more angry. Murrin’s lawyers were good. Too good. According to them, it was the hovercar that had caused the crash. Apparently its coolant system had been faulty. Murrin had failed to notice the indicator light, and the car had crashed in a busy lane. A total of four fatalities, including Verona’s mother. Murrin hadn’t got a scratch, a fact that made her blood boil every time she thought about it.

I think it would be more powerful to show us the trial and her increasing anger throughout.

But Verona refused to accept their explanation. It couldn’t be something that stupid. It just couldn’t. They’ve got to be hiding something. He can’t be innocent.

I really liked this. Nice job showing her frustration and desperation in this situation.

At last, the verdict came. Murrin had to pay a heavy fine, and his driver’s license would be revoked for a year.

Again, I think it would be more powerful to show us this.

She fled to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her and ignoring the jolt of surprise that came from Analia.

Maybe consider including a little more detail about the layout of the house. Is Analia still in the kitchen? Most houses I've been in, the kitchen and the room the TV (or in this case the smartwall) is in are right next to each other. Wouldn't Analia be able to hear the proceedings? Is she okay with that as long as she can't see it?
Did Verona pass Analia on her way to the bedroom? Do they share a bedroom? Did she have to go down a hallway? How did she get there? (Brief).

Once in private, she only held herself in check long enough to cut off her emotions from Analia.

I thought was phrased a little weird. "she only held herself in check" is what's getting me, I think.

She yanked them off and threw them across the room and flung herself back on the bed.

Love the word choice here. I have a really nice picture of her anger and pain and frustration.

They couldn’t stop things like this, but they could stop the injustices caused by people

Huh? They couldn't stop things like what? The death of her mom or her feelings? If they can't stop her mom's death than the comment about them being able to stop other injustices feels contradictory to me.

If they wrote the laws, they would make sure Murrin was punished.

I feel like this group is going to be a really integral part of the plot and I like seeing this progression of her thoughts/ideas about them.

I'm a little perplexed about why she wants to meet with Murrin when she's so upset with him and his lack of punishment (UNLESS SHE'S GOING TO MURDER HIM! :O) and I don't really understand why he'd agree, but guess we'll find out soon!! :D

Also, after reading this part, I'm no longer convinced that you need the previous part. I read it yesterday and the only thing I remember is that there was a funeral, some uncles were introduced, and V & A are now living with an uncle. I remember many more details about the first two parts. That makes me think that maaaaybe it's not necessary. You'll have to think about that when you go back to revise this - whether or not it's crucial to the plot to include.

And now I have to wait for more :(

Let me know if you have any questions, want me to elaborate on anything, or if anything I said was confusing!




Mea says...


Thank you, all of your reviews are amazing. I wish I had time to edit everything now.

I thought it was supposed to be obvious she's going to murder him? I guess the "but she could" wasn't enough.

The next chapter's going to be a tricky one - it's a really important plot event, but my week is crazy, so whatever I do get up is likely to be rather rushed. I might only post it in my progress thread in the LMS club, not as a literary work. When I get it in better shape I'll post it as a work and then you can review it. :)



Carlito says...


I was looking over this chapter while working on my review for the next part and I realized I never said this review was for the big review! :O
Oops!



Mea says...


Well, I know now. :) Thanks again!




A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief