Timmy hereeee
This will be a short review as there isn't much to say, really. The piece is well thought out, and evokes quite a bit of thought. I like the repetition in the beginning of the stanzas quite a bit, and I think it creates a sense of order and flow to the piece, having that same template for the beginning line. When you changed that beginning, the piece didn't seem as well off. I liked its usage. ^.^
One thing I don't understand too well is what you mean by when the world falls. The message in this poem, to me, was quite vague. And you spent more time on the opening of your stanzas and the closure of your stanzas than you actually did depicting and telling us the message you wanted to show. So while I liked how you used that repetition in most of the stanzas, I think the piece would have benefitted if you'd used it a bit less often. Perhaps only used in the beginning of the stanza, or only used at the end of the stanza, would be better and allow you to focus more on displaying your message. Because while I see the outline of what you're trying to put across, there isn't enough meat in the poem to satisfy me. True, a poem is meant to make a person think, but it is never meant to leave the person stranded with not enough knowledge to know which direction you are going. So work on displaying that message clearer. You can make your reader think and yet still give them a clear image in the poem. I'm not talking about images as in pictures as much as the setting and what's happening. This is all vague, like we're looking at this from a couple hundred year distance from the piece. Work on telling us more to bring the piece closer, and build up the setting to give us more clarity - both on the setting of the piece and the images it builds for us.
Perhaps some will find the eye of the storm,
The whole idea of storm is rather cliche. Some big name singers can get away with it, as it does bring out a strong image, but you should really try to find some other way of expressing this stanza. As it stands, it's rather cliche and so sticks out of the piece like a sore thumb a bit.
They must, when the time of cleansing is past.
This touches on an idea in part connected to the rest of the piece, but to tell you the truth, it left me a bit confused for a moment as I wasn't expecting it. As the poem stands, everything is confusing - because you don't explain enough to the reader. All this time, I thought it was a global disaster or something. And now you say it's a time of cleansing. If it is a time of cleansing, let me ask you oneee question: who is doing the cleansing? Now you've introduced a deeper idea with that, but you continue onwards. This poem is built to have a distinct pattern throughout, but the actual message of the poem doesn't have a strong enough pattern to satisfy me. You must adhere to your idea if you want it to make sense, building up that image, building up that setting. You must focus on what you want to put across, and then when you come to the end of the piece, ask yourself: "Did I accomplish that?" In this poem, you may have come close, but there are places where tweaking would clarify the message and ease my confusion.
You have a great start here, and I love the repetition you have at the beginning of the stanza where you ask the question, and then towards the end of the poem where you're stating something instead - as though the question you asked in the beginning had been answered. I wasn't a fan as much for the line at the end of the stanzas as they seemed a bit of fluff, just repeating without reason the stanza's opening line. Just continue to work on it and tweak the parts you think need help, based off of the feedback from your reviewers and your own intuition, and I think this piece will be even better than it is now. c:
Feel free to bug me with any more requests! And if you ever need anything, let me know.
~Darth Timmyjake
This is great!
Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007
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