note: I took inspiration from Pink Floyd's The Wall, though very loosely. I wrote this in less than five minutes. I'm very meticulous with word choice, so unless a word just fails miserably and you have a better one, don't bother (it took me five minutes to write, but that's the initial run through, I edit and analyze for days/weeks/months/maybe a year). I would much rather hear people's impressions and how well they think a general message was conveyed. Did it make sense to you or did it not. Why or why not.
I hope it proves entertaining for everyone.
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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Thank you Kafka and Bondgirl.
Kafka- I'm not happy with the double usage of alienate, but I'm stuck on what else goes there without breaking the character of the flow.
edit: I think the second usage of alienate should become change or changes. Something like that.
Bondgirl- I didn't know if I liked us there and decided against it, but with you suggestion, I think it is better that way. Just that revision reads better.
Thank you both!
Hullooo Mister Mustard Man, I'm Hope, and here to review!
I've never really listened to The Wall, and don't really know the meaning behind it, but it's got some groovy disco riffs so I like it. I'm going to just put my thoughts on the poem without the knowledge of the song.
So I really liked this a lot actually. The flow I thought was wonderful, I could feel it so easily reading it. I'm really not a fan of rhyming poetry unless it's done really well, but I think you did a great job with this. One little edit is really the only thing I have to add.
Personally I think it helps it flow there just a liiittle bit better, but it's up to you.
Anyway good job, keep it up!
~Hope
That's incredible! I love it. The emotion was well-established, and I especially would like to applaud the ending. I like how it kind of relates back to the beginning.
-Kafka