A/N: This is just a random short I wrote a while back. Have some fun with it.
The unicorns were having an excellent time. It was the last day of the school year, and I had allowed them to have an end-of-term party. It was a typical teenage unicorn party: lots of food, lots of chatter, and lots of showing off. All the desks had been temporarily Vanished to make room for the food troughs and general mingling. I sat at my desk watching the festivities with amusement.
A large group of the glorified ponies had gathered around two particularly bold show-offs, who were attempting to outdo each other’s magic. I knew I should probably stop them before things got too out of hand, but I didn’t want to get in the way of their hooves. They were all so much bigger than me, even at this age, and could sometimes forget how fragile we humans are. Part of the reason they have Human Studies classes, probably.
Others crowded in corners of the rooms, talking and signing each other’s saddlebags. The different colors of their coats clashed terribly. A few still lingered around the food troughs, though most of the food was gone.
At least they liked the popcorn. Popcorn had always been my favorite snack, and throughout the school year I had boasted to the class of its scrumptious saltiness. I promised them that I’d bring in some for them today, and it’d been a big hit. I had brought ten bags of popcorn, and it was already almost gone.
Just then, the red show-off, Jak, cast a perfect Duplicating spell on the oats someone had brought in. By the rules of the contest, now the yellow unicorn, Ren, had to cast a Duplicating spell on something.
“Do it on the popcorn. It’s almost gone.” somebody suggested.
Ren took a deep breath and prepared to cast the spell. His horn glowed with power.
“No! You can’t!” I shouted. It was extremely difficult to properly cast a spell on a human object. Only Masters could do it. It would almost certainly go wrong if someone as inexperienced as Ren tried it. “Stop, Ren!”
But the din of the party was so loud that Ren didn’t hear. He cast the spell.
A beam of power shot from his horn and hit the popcorn. It exploded, spraying everywhere. New pieces of popcorn started popping into existence. If the spell had been cast correctly, it should stop once there was twice as much popcorn as before. I held my breath. Could it have actually worked?
But, of course, I wasn’t so lucky. More and more popcorn exploded into being, flowing over the rim of the trough and covering the floor in less than a minute. The class drew back rapidly, fleeing to the edges of the room to avoid the rising popcorn. Most of them were used to magical mishaps, though, and remained fairly calm.
“Everyone LISTEN UP!” I screamed, stopping the music. This time they actually heard me, turning in my direction. “Will someone please run and tell the principal that we have a spell gone wrong?”
A brown unicorn volunteered. “Okay, Yol, just tell him that someone tried to cast a spell on human stuff and we need a Master to sort it out.”
"Yes, ma'am. " He nodded and ran out.
“Now,” I said. “Everyone will exit the classroom quietly and orderly. Once we are all out, Ren, please come see me.”
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139,231 Literary Works • 672,517 Reviews
It is a sweet story. I would have like to have had a little bit more description, because I find it hard to vision what the room looks like.
All the desks had been temporarily Vanished to make room for the food troughs and general mingling, is the vanished supposed be capitalized? I am not sure about the construction of that sentence. In my opinion it would read better if you wrote (All the desks temporarily vanished to make room for food troughs and general mingling.)
It is a nice, short story and the ending is satisfying. Keep up the good work.
Aww, I absolutely adore your story! So far for me anyhow, it has been difficult to become interested in reading anything, and if I did... I didn't care for it enough to leave a comment or review. I am a extremely picky person when it comes literature. But how you write and order things together is very professional. I am impressed, it is very well written. Not perfect, but the point is, is that I like it! If you continue to write as you did in this story, you might just have a fan! That's me by the way.
Haha, I agree with Firebird99, you've got some imagination!
Grammar and spelling was good. There was some confusion when I came to "A brown unicorn volunteered. “Okay, Yol, just tell him that someone tried to cast a spell on human stuff and we need a Master to sort it out.”
When I got to this, I had a hard time figuring out who had said what. At first is looked like the brown unicorn was talking. Now that I'm rereading it, was it the teacher? Just make sure that when someone talks, it's clear beforehand who saying what. Otherwise, assumptions are made and it creates confusion.
Overall, very nice and creative.
Hey! FireBird99 here for a review =).
You must have an imagination haha. This story was very creative and funny. I didn't see many noticeable grammar mistakes so good job on that. Then again, I'm not much for grammar myself so who knows. I know a friend who has an obsession with unicorns so she would probably love this story. I'd have to show it to her =). The only thing I wasn't sure of was weather or not the main character was a unicorn?
Keep up the writing =)
FireBird99
(Sorry this is so short. I have to get off the internet in a minute =))
Tigerlilly here for a review! Happy review day!
This is one of the most interesting topics I have ever seen in a short story... Its absolutely intriguing and original, unlike anything I've ever read before. Good job!
However, I was slightly confused at first on who the narrator was. If I am correct, shes a human teacher teaching a class of unicorns?
I am also confused on why magic used on human objects is harder than others... Perhaps if you would elaborate on that it would be a bit better.
Anyways, as much as I liked the story, I must ask the reason for it. Usually a good story has a theme or something they want the reader to get out of it. I'm not quite sure what you were intending for us to get out of this.
Your story had a clear beginning middle and end, and it was fairly good. I feel like it was lacking in a way though... I wish you would elaborate on each of the characters and give a bit more info on who the narrator was.
Overall, it was a good story, but it could use a but of work. Great job with the creativity! I look forward to reading more of your works!
Hi there, Meandbooks! Such a cute little short story you have here, and I love your word choice! I would love to see more cute little stories like this, especially if they continue with the little theme of the unicorns in a school.
Here are some things I found, though most of it is just nitpicking:
and I had allowed them-To me, "had allowed them" sounds strange. I think that might just be the way I read, but still. Maybe change it to "given permission" to give it more of a flow, if that makes sense.
All the desks had been temporarily Vanished-Vanished is randomly capitalized here. This is probably just an incident where you were typing, so don't fret over it too much.
I knew I should probably stop them before things got too out of hand-I get the feeling it should be "should have probably," but then again, this might just be another nitpick and meanwhile not be considered an actual error.
I had brought ten bags of popcorn, and it was already almost gone.-Already almost gone doesn't flow, and sounds a little choppy. Try something like "and it was nearly gone," or just disclude the already.
This was such a funny little story, I loved it so much! Good job! ~Prez. T