Young Writers Society

Hello!! Finally getting to this!!

Well isn't this just a lovely little opening. I liked the way you immediately brought us into the conflict, but that it wasn't overly dramatic. This was a pretty quiet opening, but you were able to set the scene and get us thinking right away (which can actually be more difficult to do than big dramatic openings). You've also planted some really interesting little plot seeds. Not only do we have this ghost bus situation to think about, but I'm wondering why they moved, what's going on with the mom, is there any other family, what happened with Josh? And with the bus I'm wondering if anyone else can see it, if there are other things this MC sees that others can't, if it's real or a figment of her imagination, and what the function of it is no matter what. So for being a short opening, there's a lot packed in there.

One line that confused me:

Today was Day 34, T-5 minutes.

Hi Mea! This is Princess Ink with a review.

The beginning of the story started with a spark. It left me wondering about the ghost train, and I enjoyed reading it.

I have a little confusion: when Sandra was milking, what was she milking? My guess is that it's cows, but maybe you could clarify.

I also felt that no matter how careful Sandra was to peep down the street, her mother might realize that Sandra was acting strangely. I'm also wondering how come Sandra is trying to hide the fact that she sees this bus every day. Is this because people might say that she's weird, or hallucinating? Or the fact that she wants to find out more first?

The sentences here:
"Instead of drinking, she stared, morose, into the swirling brown. I started eating my cereal more quickly. I’d seen the ghost bus. Now I needed to finish up my English homework before school."

I felt like the transition here was a bit awkward, and the sentences were slightly choppy.

The chapter ended at a dramatic point, with Sandra mentioning Josh, and her mother's less-than-welcoming reaction. I think it was a good way to end the chapter, and I have a feeling Josh will play a role--significant or insignificant--in the story.

For my conclusion, I thought Sandra was a well-developed character and I was able to connect with her from the beginning.

I hope my review helped you--and keep on writing

Hey, Mea! Lupa here for a review! Let's start...

1) "I know I only noticed it in October once I wasn’t quite as wide-eyed and busy-tailed, as Mom says." This line is a bit confusing. The whole section after "once" doesn't make sense to me. What in the world does "busy-tailed" mean? Maybe it's these characters' dialect, but if you could make it simple to understand for the reader I feel like it'd be better.

2) "The coffee maker dinged just as I caught a glimpse of the sleek green ghost bus." Is it just me, or when someone says "ghost bus," the word "sleek" does not come to mind? I would think of a ghost bus as being a bit derelict and worn-down, not sleek. Maybe this is just me. But there's a whole lot more adjectives to describe something that's old and broken than something shiny and new.

3) "She been brewing it stronger lately, with only a little milk." I'm guessing it's "She'd," not "She." Otherwise it doesn't make sense.

4) The ending wasn't really what I wanted. It felt a bit rushed, like you were trying to end the chapter quickly. The whole chapter was pretty short overall. One more detail about Sandra would help it end better (for example, "Mom flinched visibly when I mentioned his name. I shrugged, turned, and left the kitchen without a backwards glance."). Do you see what I mean?

Overall, you did a pretty good job, but your chapter didn't really make me want to learn more about the ghost bus. I would like it to have a more mysterious air. Sandra seems pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, so I think you can improve the mood towards the bus. But this was a nice chapter for introducing the main character, so props to you on that. Keep writing, Mea!

XOX,
Lupa22

Heya, Mea! Casanova here to do a review for you!1


The first thing I noticed was this-

I think everyone in Boston had too much noticing to do to notice something like that.

It had been just over four months since I’d spent my mornings hooking up the milking machine to Sarah, Nora, and all the rest.

The coffee maker dinged just as I caught a glimpse of the sleek green ghost bus. I couldn’t tell if anyone was in it, but it was there all right. A moment later, Mom sat down next to me with her fresh cup. She been brewing it stronger lately, with only a little milk. Instead of drinking, she stared, morose, into the swirling brown. I started eating my cereal more quickly. I’d seen the ghost bus. Now I needed to finish up my English homework before school.

I had just dropped my bowl in the sink when my mom spoke again. “I remember how hard it was to get you up early when you first got old enough to help out. Once you were awake, you were oh-so-eager to help, but Lord, you slept like the dead.”