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Young Writers Society



On Wings of Fire: Chapter 1, Part 2

by Mea


After an hour or more of following Kez back up the gorge and deep into the pitch-black tunnels underneath Mt. Onyx, Fyn’s paws carried him to a stop just as an orange light filtered around Kez’s rear.

The runaway’s body slipped off his back and thudded limp in front of him. Fyn fought to catch his breath, gritting his teeth against the pain in his side — the injury persisted in his drake form. He’d rolled in some mud to stop the bleeding, but it still stung, a deep gasping pain. It would take hours to heal, even lying as close to lava as he could stand.

Vak bumped into Fyn’s rear. “Whatcha waiting for, Fyn? We’re here.”

Ahead, Kez ducked out of the tunnel and turned around, fangs bared in a malicious grin. “Hurry up, weakling. They’re waiting.”

They? It was just supposed to be old Jarken. Who else had watched Fyn fail?

“I’ll take that,” Kez said, swiping the dead woman’s body with a claw, “seeing how I killed her.”

Fyn wanted to turn tail and vanish back into the tunnels, but Vak was blocking the way. Instead, he arced his head high and stepped out into the Hub.

The enormous hollow chamber at the center of Mt. Onyx stretched hundreds of feet across and just as high overhead. Moonlight streamed through a tiny open circle at the tip of the conical ceiling. Broad walkways carved from stone spiraled around the walls, and another hundred feet below Fyn, the enormous pool of lava at the heart of the volcano glowed a brilliant orange. Dozens of drakes appeared and disappeared out of the dozens upon dozens of tunnels that converged here, at the heart of Selach’s power and the seat of his Order.

But it was the sight of only one drake, standing beside the small brown figure of Broodfather Jarken, that made Fyn’s limbs turn to lead. He gaped at the enormous black-scaled drake, his thoughts moving like mud.

What was the Archpriestess’s Knife doing here with Jarken?

Jarken’s tail whipped toward Fyn, slapping him across the eyes and out of his reverie. Too late, Fyn sank to the ground in the appropriate submission posture and averted his gaze, his snout stinging.

It wasn’t enough. Jarken lunged forward and seized Fyn’s snout in his jaws, slamming it to the ground to drive the point home.

“Forgive me, High Priest,” Jarken wheedled after releasing Fyn. “I thought a correction — but of course I should have requested permission—”

“No matter.” High Priest Zhiron’s voice was deep and growly, like a thousand pebbles scraping against each other. “Let them present their prey.”

Fyn stared at the floor doggedly. Jarken’s bites didn’t usually draw blood, but this one had. It ran in a trickle down his nose. He tried not to breathe it in.

Kez was similarly pressed into the floor beside Fyn. He caught Fyn’s eye, pulling his lips back and baring his teeth in a sneer. On the other side of Fyn, Vak was quivering with fear.

“The runaway, sir,” Kez said, prodding the the charred woman’s body forward with his snout. The body stank of burnt flesh.

Jarken bared his fangs. “Well done. It’s always fun when they won’t come quietly, isn’t it? Kez, you were a true leader. You laid the plan and carried it out with force. Vak, I was astonished to find you had the patience to lie hidden for a full minute.”

Vak wriggled in gratitude. Fyn bit back a surge of anger. The idiot couldn’t even tell when he was being mocked. Jarken had been watching them, of course. Had Zhiron seen everything, too?

Jarken’s gaze lingering on Fyn. The silence stretched for a long moment, and then Jarken turned away. “The three of you are dismissed. Vak, dispose of this.” He flicked the body contemptuously with his tail.

Fyn got to his paws, burning with shame. Jarken’s backhanded praise of Vak and utter silence to Fyn was more pointed than if Jarken had shouted or bit him again. Fyn had been a coward in that cave. He wasn’t even fit to be scolded.

Kez smirked at Fyn. “Thought you could talk her down, did you? Afraid of getting blood on your claws?”

“Keep talking and you’ll see just how afraid I am,” Fyn snarled. He crouched low, claws pricking the floor, ready for a fight even though Kez was bigger and stronger and always won. The mote of Selach in his chest flared again at the promise of violence, sending energy surging through his body to egg him on. Kez would be feeling the same urge.

Kez grinned, tail lashing against the floor, and sprang.

It was over in seconds. The force of Kez’s leap bowled Fyn over easily. Fyn caught Kez’s ear with a claw and clamped his jaws down on one of his paws, but then Kez dug a back paw right into Fyn’s injured side. Fyn roared in pain, and Kez took the opportunity to rip his paw free and pin Fyn to the floor.

“Initiate!” The sharp voice startled both of them. as a black shadow loomed over them. It was Zhiron. Had he been there the whole time? Fyn smarted with shame.

“As amusing a display as this has been,” the Knife said, addressing Kez, “I would like to speak with your hatchmate… in private. Get on with you.”

Fyn caught a glimpse of Kez’s astonished expression before his sneer was back. “Yes, sir.”

Fyn’s own heart was pounding. The Knife didn’t come after Initiates who hesitated on their first hunt, did he? He’d already sworn to himself it would never happen again.

Kez stepped off of Fyn, taking care to tread on his injured side. “See you around, weakling — or not.” He whispered it so only Fyn would hear.

Fyn should have rolled over onto his stomach and assumed a submissive posture, but the fight had winded him, and his injury had reopened so blood was trickling down his side again. Instead, he stared up into the upside-down face of Zhiron as Kez’s footsteps faded, assuming those cold eyes would be the last thing he’d ever see.

“Get up and follow me,” the black drake said. “The Archpriestess has sent for you.”

-----

Fyn didn’t dare speak as he followed Zhiron down the long winding spiral that led to the bottom of Mt. Onyx and the banks of the enormous pool of lava that was Selach’s power incarnate. The Knife strode so quickly Fyn had to scurry to keep up. Every drake they passed stopped and bowed to Zhiron, even the other Priests. Soon, they had descended to levels deeper than Fyn had ever been allowed to go.

The air was stiflingly warm now, heavy with a rich sulfuric scent that left Fyn drowsy, but with a sharpened sense of smell. His mote stirred as it drew closer to Selach’s power.

Fyn didn’t think the Archpriestess would exile him just for messing up his first hunt, but his record wasn’t great. There was that accompanied hunt he’d messed up just a few weeks ago, and the time he had overslept for the monthly Praise meeting and gotten the worst beating of his life. And the time with the human girl, when he was just a hatchling —

But Fyn was past that now. He was the one whose instincts were always wrong, but he’d learned. Selach required strength and purity of his followers.

But what if they’d decided he would never be strong or pure enough?

The thought spiraled in his head just like the path, all the way until the slope leveled out and Fyn found himself, for the first time in his life, at the bottom of Mt. Onyx. The lava’s heat rolled over him, close and clinging, penetrating every muscle in his body. The sting in his side eased as the cut scabbed over.

Zhiron led Fyn down a narrow tunnel that ran beside a slow-flowing lava stream that narrowed and cooled as they went, until only cracks of red shone through the volcanic rock. Here, where the rock curved sharply around a corner and split, Zhiron stopped.

“Go in,” he told Fyn. He was nearly invisible in the low light. “She’s waiting.”

Before he had time to think, Fyn forced himself through the dark cleft in the rock.

He emerged into a cavern large enough for a breeze to brush his snout. The river of half-hardened lava snaked past him, giving off only the faintest glow. So it wasn’t until Fyn heard his talons clicking on the smooth floor that he realized the entire room was formed from dark obsidian, spurs jutting haphazardly from the uneven floor and throwing twisted shadows across the walls.

The Archpriestess Ashwythe lay sprawled atop a midnight throne carved from dolerite. She gleamed a burnished red the color of cooling metal, a color much richer and deeper than Fyn’s. The lava’s light danced over her scales like flames, and on her head a single circlet of gold glinted in the uneven light.

Fyn reflexively pressed his belly to the floor in the deepest submission posture he knew. Should he announce himself? What should he say? “My Exalted Lady, your humble servant, Fyn?” Or “Fyn, at your service, Your Grace?” No, both sounded stupid.

Ashwythe’s low voice interrupted his thoughts. “Step into the light so I can see you.”

Fyn scrambled forward, halting right at the lip of the river of lava.

“Would you do anything for the Order, Initiate?”

“Of course,” Fyn said at once, mortified when his voice came out as a squeak. He’d been trying to make that clear since he was old enough breathe fire.

“Are you progressing well in your training?”

Fyn shifted. “I try, Your Grace.”

“So Zhiron says,” said Ashwythe. Flame flickered in her eyes, reflected from the bubbling lava. “I have a task for you, Initiate.”

Fyn stared. He could not have heard her right. “You’re going to send me on a mission?”

He winced as his voice rose to a squeak again.

Ashwythe drew her lips back into a smile. “I am. It should be a simple task, but discretion is… needed, and so my advisors thought of you.”

Fyn swelled with relief and pride. He had come fearing the worst, certain that they had lost all patience with him and had decided to remove him. Instead, somehow Zhiron not only knew of him, but had recommended him for an important mission! He must have overlooked the disastrous hunt today, or maybe he just knew that Fyn was better at hunting than that.

“What will I be doing?” he asked eagerly.

Ashwythe tapped a claw against the stone. “The Treatise has been stolen,” she said carelessly. “Your job is to get it back.”

Fyn realized his mouth had fallen open, and he shut it quickly. “The Treatise?” he said, incredulous. “Aren’t we supposed to be guarding it this year? With the angels?”

Ashwythe’s eyes flashed dangerously, and Fyn fell silent at once. The Treatise had established peace between the gods when it was created over a hundred years ago. It meant the drakes weren’t allowed to openly raid other Order’s lands, but it had also stopped the thunderbeasts and angels from encroaching on their territory. Fyn had no idea what would happen if everyone knew it was gone.

Ashwythe left her throne and swept up to him, fixing her great yellow eyes on his.

“I will only say this once, so listen carefully. The Treatise was stolen by a powerful mage, but you will get it back for me. You will work with an angel of Mithrinde — the angels will not compromise on this point. The two of you will find where it is hidden. You may have to travel a great many miles. You will do it quickly and quietly, and at no point will anyone in the other gods’ lands know a Disciple of Selach has passed through. Do you understand?”

Fyn did. “It’ll be just like the raids. In and out again. Easy.”

Except he’d never been on a raid. And he hadn’t even been able to handle an ordinary mage.

“Good. I have full confidence in you.” In a flash faster than Fyn’s eye could follow, Ashwythe was back on her throne. She turned a circle and settled down, her great lidded eyes narrowing.

“You are dismissed. Zhiron will take you to Promise, where you will meet the angel and receive more details of your assignment.”

“Yes, Your Grace,” Fyn said, pressing his snout to the ground again and trying to pretend the excitement bubbling in his stomach wasn’t mixed with apprehension. The Treatise was usually guarded constantly by a rotation of godformed – not just drakes and angels, but dryads and thunderbeasts and the other races created by the gods. How powerful was this mage, if he’d been able to steal it right out from under their noses? And had Ashwythe really said Fyn would be working with an angel?

But Fyn knew better than to ask those questions. He turned to go.

“One last thing,”

Fyn looked back at Ashwythe, a dark figure atop the dolerite throne.

“Tell no one else in the Order — or outside of it — of this mission. Ever.”

Fyn nodded. “I won’t let you down, Your Grace. I promise.”


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Thu Jul 15, 2021 8:01 pm
RealSadhours296 wrote a review...



Loved this chapter, and I can't wait to meet the angel Fyn will travel with!

You've done a really good job of displaying the power and glory of the higher-ups with your word choice. When the arch-priestess was presented I was in awe...and was very intimidated. Logically I knew the Fyn would be fine, otherwise this would have been the final chapter, but I was still afraid for Fyn's safety in a way and that's how good your characterization is.

A minor thing I noticed is that I feel you added a comma where there doesn't have to be one in "but it still stung, a deep gasping pain." I'd put the comma between deep and gasping, or just not have it there at all. I don't think it's grammatically incorrect but it did break the flow for me a little bit.

Keep up the good work!




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Thu Jun 17, 2021 6:23 am
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Omni wrote a review...



Hey there, Mea! Looking forward to reading and reviewing this. Last chapter was pretty good!

Fyn’s paws carried him to a stop just as an orange light filtered around Kez’s rear.


This sentence is a bit wordy and I'm not sure what the second half of it was trying to convey.

Kez said, swiping the dead woman’s body with a claw, “seeing how I killed her.”


Ahh Kez, now you want to put in the work when there's glory to be had. Goooood XD

The enormous hollow chamber at the center of Mt. Onyx stretched hundreds of feet across and just as high overhead. Moonlight streamed through a tiny open circle at the tip of the conical ceiling. Broad walkways carved from stone spiraled around the walls, and another hundred feet below Fyn, the enormous pool of lava at the heart of the volcano glowed a brilliant orange. Dozens of drakes appeared and disappeared out of the dozens upon dozens of tunnels that converged here, at the heart of Selach’s power and the seat of his Order.


I love me a good description chunk as much as the next read, and your descriptions here are good and suits the piece well, buuuut (I think you knew a but was coming here XD) i would much rather see this visual splendor be implemented through the action of the plot. For example, I think you did it just a bit before, here:

It would take hours to heal, even lying as close to lava as he could stand.


Here, you also talked about the lava of the mountain, but in a way that related it to the characters and to the story. That makes it something far more memorable for the reader. Just having a chunk of descriptions will make it hard for a reader to digest. Some readers just might not and skim through it. And, don't worry, this is something every writer struggles with (me, looking at my new project :eyes:) but it'll be so much more beneficial to you in the long run to infuse it into the story the next run through you do of this story.

What was the Archpriestess’s Knife doing here with Jarken?


Well, that's certainly a mouthful of a title haha

“Forgive me, High Priest,” Jarken wheedled after releasing Fyn. “I thought a correction — but of course I should have requested permission—”


This seems weird to have right after Jerken Jarken "corrects" Fyn. I think it might be that, well, Fyn was worried about Jarken beforehand, so it was a natural conclusion and assumption to presume that Jarken was the head authority, so having him bow down metaphorically right after he proclaims his dominance seems a bit weird.

It was over in seconds.


I think this would be better placed at the end of the paragraph, after the action. I think it's cool to see how you write action, but I was immediately not all that invested because the person I'm rooting for was doomed to fail in the writing even before the action started.

Had he been there the whole time?


I wasn't aware they had moved to a different location.

“The Archpriestess has sent for you.”


Uh oh, spooky.

And the time with the human girl, when he was just a hatchling


AND THE PLOT THICKENS

“I am. It should be a simple task, but discretion is… needed, and so my advisors thought of you.”


Hmm, I wonder why though. It's clear he is somewhat different, in that he didn't follow orders and wanted to save the girl's life last chapter, but I'm not sure if that is the discretion that the Archpriestess is talking about. And also, was this a decision made before the mission happened? Because if so, then the mission's results wouldn't really have made too much of a difference. If it wasn't something made just before, then what was the Archpriestess planning on doing if Fyn hadn't used discretion this mission? This is just me thinking aloud.

--

Okaay, so now we're getting into the plot. I'm a bit surprised, though, that it's going this quickly. I'm also a bit unsure as to what the inciting incident was for this mission? The Treatise was stolen, yes, but I mean the inciting incident to have chosen Fyn for the mission. Why is Fyn, an Initiate, the dragon for the job? In stories like these, adventures, there is usually some kind of status quo that is broken to initiate the plot. I'm curious to see why it was broken here. And I say all this knowing that you probably have a reason for this, but I hope that me pointing it out here might show that it's not clear in the text.

I hope this helped and onto the next chapter!!




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Thu May 13, 2021 9:50 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Mea,

Mailice back with a short review! :D

After an hour or more of following Kez back up the gorge and deep into the pitch-black tunnels underneath Mt. Onyx, Fyn's paws carried him to a stop just as an orange light filtered around Kez's rear.


Although the sentence seems so long and a bit intimidating for the introduction, I really like the way you started the chapter with it. There's a certain atmosphere to it.

I notice that in some places you still use very long sentences to describe something. It makes you run out of breath on the way. :D Still, your descriptions are very great and I like how you want to portray things in a vivid tone, as if you were there.

"Well done. It's always fun when they won't come quietly, isn't it? Kez, you were a true leader. You laid the plan and carried it out with force. Vak, I was astonished to find you had the patience to lie hidden for a full minute."


Something seems wrong with this dialogue. Between "out with force." And "Vak, I" I would have expected a pause, as it seems like Jarken is reading it off. Even if Vak was made fun of, a pause could have been inserted there, just to raise the tension and also the expectation.

Fyn didn't think the Archpriestess would exile him just for messing up his first hunt, but his record wasn't great. There was that accompanied hunt he'd messed up just a few weeks ago, and the time he had overslept for the monthly Praise meeting and gotten the worst beating of his life. And the time with the human girl, when he was just a hatchling -


I think it's a good way of trying to present Fyn's inner life as they set out to get to the bottom of Mt. Onyx. It's great to learn a bit more about the characters and personality. It's been a good time to insert it when they are walking to create a combination of his current thoughts and his experiences.

The lava's light danced over her scales like flames, and on her head a single circlet of gold glinted in the uneven light.


That is a beautiful description!

The Treatise had established peace between the gods when it was created over a hundred years ago. It meant the drakes weren't allowed to openly raid other Order's lands, but it had also stopped the thunderbeasts and angels from encroaching on their territory. Fyn had no idea what would happen if everyone knew it was gone.


This is an interesting revelation. I like how as the plot progresses this world opens up more and more, like clouds disappearing from a map when you've discovered something.

In conjunction with the first part of the chapter, you wrote a very exciting and expanding story. You had time to get familiar with Fyn and you also get more information about the mission right away. I like how the first part of the chapter focused more on the mundane and the plot now focuses more on the outlandish and peculiar.

It really is a story worth reading!

Enjoy the writing!

Mailice.




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Tue Dec 22, 2020 10:43 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Mea! I'm back to review part two of this chapter :)

I love the worldbuilding you're doing in this whole chapter. There's so much information already on the drakes and their culture compared to humanity but enough in small enough chunks that it keeps me interested an engaged with the story. The lore around this is growing really nicely and I'm really excited to see where you go with it throughout the novel!

Instead, he arced his head high and stepped out into the Hub.

Should this be arched rather than arced?
Edit I googled this and now I'm confused and not sure which one should be used, haha!

But it was the sight of only one drake, standing beside the small brown figure of Broodfather Jarken, that made Fyn’s limbs turn to lead.

I felt this read a little weirdly. Maybe 'it was the sight of one drake in particular' or something similar? I think it confused me because you say there are loads of them, and then only one sounds like it's just this particular one here... does that make any sense?

Fyn stared at the floor doggedly. Jarken’s bites didn’t usually draw blood, but this one had. It ran in a trickle down his nose. He tried not to breathe it in.

Oh boy, he's having a really bad time of it already isn't he?

Vak, I was astonished to find you had the patience to lie hidden for a full minute.”

Haha this really tickled me! I especially love that Vak has no idea he's being made fun of here. I feel like he's the kind of character you can have a lot of fun with throughout this.


“Are you progressing well in your training?”

Fyn shifted. “I try, Your Grace.”

“So Zhiron says,” said Ashwythe. Flame flickered in her eyes, reflected from the bubbling lava. “I have a task for you, Initiate.”

Fyn stared. He could not have heard her right. “You’re going to send me on a mission?”

He winced as his voice rose to a squeak again.

Ashwythe drew her lips back into a smile. “I am. It should be a simple task, but discretion is… needed, and so my advisors thought of you.”


This feels very bizarre to me. I understand that this is a very common trope, whereby a possibly inexperienced character is taken on to complete an extraordinary mission, but I can't quite follow the reasoning behind sending Fyn and this point? I'm not sure if it needs to be a bit later on in the novel, or maybe we just need a bit more of insight into the advisors and why they would choose Fyn.

What we've seen of him so far does not suggest he's particularly competent, I mean he's been injured twice and each time has explicitly stated that drakes do not get hurt often so we already know he's maybe not the best at what he does. To be fair, we don't have much to compare him against as Vak in particular does not set the bar very high.

But I think as the reader we still need a bit more here, even if it's just Fyn's internal bewilderment at having been selected for whatever this mission is.

I also wonder if there isn't a bit of an info dump at the end of the chapter. It's super hard to avoid with new fantasy novels where you're trying to introduce the reader to this new world, but there's a lot of detail here. Perhaps some of it could be mentioned earlier in passing? Just a suggestion for editing :)

I'll make my way through the remaining chapters you've posted as soon as I can. I can't wait to see how Fyn gets on with his mission!


Hope this was helpful :)

Icy




Mea says...


:D Thank you, this was a great review! I definitely have a reason for why Fyn was sent on this mission, but to be honest I have no idea how to hint at it this early in the novel other than by showing the reader he isn't the best for the job. Guess I'll have to think about that since everyone's mentioned it. xD



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Sat Nov 28, 2020 6:35 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi, Mea! Back to it again :)

First of all, you did a great job in this section establishing the culture of the drakes and expanding the worldbuilding in a natural yet informative way. There were plenty of context clues for some of the new terms and titles so it wasn't too confusing, and I really like this society you've created! I'm definitely interested in learning more and seeing how the plot plays out :)

I would agree with niteowl that the first sentence reads oddly, and I think it's because there are too many details for one sentence (especially just a clause of a sentence). You could probably split that into two and be fine. (Also, agreeing with niteowl about the following that I don't know who was carrying the body or why they would drop it if they're not quite at their destination yet.)

Ahead, Kez ducked out of the tunnel and turned around, fangs bared in a malicious grin.


I think I was having a bit of trouble imagining the scene so this line also confused me a bit. After I reread this, having scene the description of the Hub, it made more sense, but I think the setting could be established better. My initial thought was "how could he duck out of the tunnel? they're still underground aren't they?" Now I see that it opens up into a large cavern, which was why there was light around Kez in the first sentence. Maybe restructure this description just a bit so we knew what to expect in the setting (he's anticipating who he'll see in the large cavern ahead of them, or the tunnel is cramped compared to what they're about to walk into, etc.)

I also don't really know why they stopped at first? Why did they make the injured drake carry the body if Kez just wanted to present it himself? Why did he walk into the hub to see there were two drakes waiting for them (as hinted by the next line) and then decide he wants the body? And if Kez didn't want to carry it for an hour, why not make Vak do it if he's the "lower" of the three of them? I could definitely be overthinking this section, but these were some thoughts that came to mind.

“Forgive me, High Priest,” Jarken wheedled after releasing Fyn. “I thought a correction — but of course I should have requested permission—”


This line caught me off guard the first time I read it. I didn't know what Jarken was trying to say initially, and I couldn't tell if he cut himself off or was stuttering or what. (I'm also not familiar with the word wheedled.)

I fell like this also sets up some confusion for me. I really like the obvious power dynamic between these drakes, where the young drakes are clearly lower in status than Jarken and Zhiron, but the two older drakes (while not quite equal) are standing side by side in their status over the three. I didn't get why disciplining a subordinate for not showing proper respect warranted an apology when Jarken, as a superior, seemed to be in the right to do that? Why would he need permission? Was that in some way disrespectful to Zhiron too? Maybe a bit more clarity in the dialogue could help, instead of just fragments where he cuts himself off.

“The runaway, sir,” Kez said, prodding the the charred woman’s body forward with his snout.


A bit of a nitpick, but there feels like a bit of a disconnect between Kez getting the body in the tunnel and the pushing it forward to the two older drakes. Did he carry it in his mouth? On his back like Fyn? Did it fall when he bowed?

I would like to add that I love, love, loved the descriptions of their bows as "poses of submission" "pressed to the floor" "quivering with fear." This added to the world building I mentioned earlier by really showing the intensity of the power dynamic without just spelling it out. It gives a certain emotion and I can imagine myself in the presence of this fearsome, powerful drake.

Something else I was thinking about! If the two drakes were watching the three hunt after this human, how did they have enough time to also trek the hour back to the caves and be standing, waiting intimidatingly for them? I'm sure the two drakes could have been stealthy enough for the initiates to have not seen them, I'm just a bit confused on the details of it all. Why wait until they got all the way back to the caves to talk about it if they were at the scene when she died? Why carry the body all that way just to get rid of it?

Kez smirked at Fyn. “Thought you could talk her down, did you? Afraid of getting blood on your claws?”


Why didn't Kez bring this up right after it happened, when he was questioning why Fyn didn't torch her sooner? Why did he wait until they were right in front of their superiors to mock Fyn about this? (And I don't really get why Fyn picked a fight right in front of their superiors knowing he would lose but drakes be drakes I guess?) It seemed a little out of place this far from when it actually happened, especially since Jarken didn't even say anything to Fyn.

“As amusing a display as this has been,” the Knife said, addressing Kez, “I would like to speak with your hatchmate… in private. Get on with you.”


And why did Zhiron wait until after they were leaving to summon Fyn?

So, I like the fight scene. It characterizes Fyn more as this slightly weaker than Kez but not any less strong willed. I think my suggestion would be to move this closer to when they kill the mage. Maybe have Fyn pick this fight after because he's embarrassed, he wants to prove himself, and ultimately loses. Then Kez says "now you carry this body because that's all your worth" or some other trash talk. Then, Fyn gets summoned and Kez says the same thing about possibly not seeing him later. That would make a little bit more sense to me, but that is just a suggestion!

Fyn didn’t dare speak as he followed Zhiron down the long winding spiral that led to the bottom of Mt. Onyx and the banks of the enormous pool of lava that was Selach’s power incarnate.


This is another description that feels like too much in a single sentence. I like them both, but maybe split it up into two.

I love that the main drake is called the Archpriestess. It highlights that she is definitely an important drake, but in the end no matter how high and mighty any one drake it, they're still all just trying to serve their god Selach. Another great piece of worldbuilding!

And the time with the human girl, when he was just a hatchling —


This felt like an odd detail to just throw in. I feel like it's important? And I feel like it will likely be referenced again, and I don't mind that you don't tell us what it is yet, especially if it's plot relevant down the line, but this feels way too similar to the situation we saw earlier, with Fyn having run in with another human girl, to have not been referenced sooner? It's not a big deal, just something to possibly think about.

“My Exalted Lady, your humble servant, Fyn?” Or “Fyn, at your service, Your Grace?” No, both sounded stupid.


omg I love Fyn. This is a lovely bit of his voice in your writing. <3

“Good. I have full confidence in you.”


This feels like a weird thing for the Archpriestess to say because, obviously, she is expecting Fyn to fail. There is no other reason why she would send him, the "can't seem to get it right" initiate, on this mission. <.<

Speaking of which, the big question! Now, I know that you've drafted this and you've probably got a really good reason as to why Fyn is the one being sent on this mission. (My money is on the Archpriestess having poor intentions and not wanting it back. Maybe even wanting a scapegoat.) But! I would have like this glaring detail to be acknowledged more. It feels a bit "chosen-one"-y, where a completely unexperienced character is expected to save the world and they just go with it. I would have liked to see more reluctance out of Fyn, maybe not even out loud (or it would be funny for him to ask and the Archpriestess to be all "YOU DARE QUESTION ME???") but just something to nod to the reader and be like, "Hey, I know this might not make sense right now. But just hang with me."

This review kind of ended up just me spewing my thoughts, but I hope you gained some use out of what I was thinking as I read. Like I said, my favorite part was the world building, and your writing is also just very easy to read and get into. I want to know more!!

See you in the next part :)
~ Wolfe




Mea says...


<3 Your reviews are such a gift. Your comments are all super helpful, and I'm really glad you picked up on and liked some of the worldbuilding stuff! I'll need to streamline the power dynamics and also Fyn's reaction more, but you're definitely thinking along the right lines here... ;)



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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Mea! I started writing this the other day, but then I got super tired so I decided to come back when I was properly awake. Once again, I'm going to comment as I go then add final thoughts.

After an hour or more of following Kez back up the gorge and deep into the pitch-black tunnels underneath Mt. Onyx, Fyn’s paws carried him to a stop just as an orange light filtered around Kez’s rear.


This is one of the moments where I'm like "I don't like this sentence, but I can't pinpoint why." Maybe it's too long, or there's too much description for one sentence? "Fyn's paws carried him to a stop" seems like an oddly worded way of saying "Fyn stopped". And do we need to say "pitch-black" to describe tunnels at night? The light filtering around Kez's butt also just sounds off to me.

The runaway’s body slipped off his back and thudded limp in front of him.


The way this is written, it's hard to tell which "him" this is referring to. First I was thinking it was Kez that was carrying the body and then it fell in front of Fyn, but then it seemed like Fyn was carrying it and then it rolled off his back and somehow ended up in front of him (when I guess I would expect it to fall behind or at the sides). This is kind of nitpicky, but sometimes I have trouble following who's doing what when there's multiple "hes" a scene could be referring to.

They? It was just supposed to be old Jarken. Who else had watched Fyn fail?

“I’ll take that,” Kez said, swiping the dead woman’s body with a claw, “seeing how I killed her.”


Did Kez know there were going to be more people? I'm still a little confused as to if he's supposed to be more senior to the other two or if they're all the same rank.

So...their teacher (?) literally almost bites Fyn's head off and I'm unclear if that's normal or not in this world. It seems like Fyn's experienced it before, but then Jarken seems apologetic doing it in front of someone higher up.

Jarken’s gaze lingering on Fyn.


This is a fragment-should be "lingered".

Kez smirked at Fyn. “Thought you could talk her down, did you? Afraid of getting blood on your claws?”


Who's her? The runaway? This sentence isn't making much sense to me, at least not here. Maybe it would make more sense at the end of the first chapter, right after Kez kills her before Fyn can talk her down.

This seems like a bad time to get in a fight. It's not quite clear that they think they're out of the presence of Jarken and Zhiron, but maybe they do?

“Initiate!” The sharp voice startled both of them. as a black shadow loomed over them.


They're both Initiates, right? So maybe that should be plural?

Slight aside-I think I said the "mote of Selach" was a weird word in the first chapter, but now I like it. It's like his fire is a little piece of his god. Maybe I needed to get more into the story to like it?

And the time with the human girl, when he was just a hatchling —


Not sure what this is alluding to, but I'm kind of surprised he hasn't thought about it yet, given that he just failed to kill another human girl.

Well I guess I'm a terrible geology major, because I hadn't heard of dolerite, though Wikipedia says it's called diabase in the US so that might be why? But that doesn't sound super familiar either. Weird.

He’d been trying to make that clear since he was old enough to breathe fire.


Sorry, quick typo note.

Not sure I'm drawing the line immediately between "task" and "important mission" like Fyn is. If I was in Fyn's shoes, I might think the task was actually a punishment for how bad the hunt was.

“The Treatise has been stolen,” she said carelessly. “Your job is to get it back.”


"Carelessly" seems like a weird adverb to use here, especially given how important this thing is. I guess she could be saying it casually, but that still seems out of place. Also odd how she has characterized this as a simple task, when it clearly isn't.

No more nitpicks, so I guess I'm going to ask the big question now...Why Fyn? I'm surprised he hasn't asked this of himself yet. Perhaps this doesn't need to be answered right away, but I'm honestly puzzled. Between his lack of experience and apparent incompetence in hunts, what brought him to mind for this? The only hint we get is something about "discretion", which would immediately rule out Kez, but I also have nothing to suggest that Fyn is uniquely discreet (especially after getting into ia fight with Kez right in front of the elders at the beginning of the chapter). Perhaps his devotion/loyalty is noteworthy, but again I can't be sure. I wouldn't be surprised if whoever suggested Fyn for this is actually presuming he'll fail and suggesting him in order to sabotage the mission.

Besides that, I think this is well written. The description is solid but not overbearing, so I feel like I can see what's going on pretty well. Definitely excited to see how this unfolds! As always, keep writing! :D




Mea says...


Thanks for the great reviews! The sentence nitpicks are really helpful because I've read this chapter so many times I don't know what makes sense anymore haha. As for the bigger questions... ;)




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