Published September 16, 2011
"Now to finish this..." Munletta mumbled under her breath BOOM! A flash of smoke abruptly appeared in the narrow cave the siybl called "home" after the smoke cleared a dragon no bigger than a grown mans' palm appeared in the sibyls' black bulky cauldren "Now.. For part two of my plan......"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,212 Literary Works • 672,511 Reviews
Hi McDayDreamer
This piece starts by bringing the reader right into whats going on. It akes me feel like I want to read more because although I've read the first paragraph of the piece I already want to know what is going to happen next. I want to know who these people are, what their plan is and what part the dragon plays in the plan. It also leaves me wondering what this dragon is like. In some pieces dragons can speak or are friendly and live alongside people while in some others dragons rampage through villages burning down buildings and eating their livestock. This piece really does leave me wanting more and is very effective. However it could still work very well if it were a bit longer because with this piece I can't really picture what the scene is like, there isn't enough description about this cave etc.
Hope this helped
- apple96
I like it.
Short, but interesting. My mind immediatly starts thinking. Who is Munletta? That are they finishing? Whats the dragon look like? Whats their plan?
Deffinetly gets me hooked, wondering what is going on and what is going to happen.
Hello there! Welcome to YWS!
I have to say, this is definitely the shortest piece I've read on here, but I like your style. *clears throat* And now I shall nitpick....
You seem to have an excellent style and mood going here. However, you really need to work on your grammar. If this was just a first draft and you planned on going back and fixing it, you should probably do that before you post it - it saves a lot of time for reviewers. It also can give the impression that you just lazily punched in a vague idea for a story and hit the "Submit" button, which can seem disresppectful. (Not that I think that's the impression you're trying to give.)
However, I'd definitely like to see more of this. I don't know if it's a tidbit of a story you're already writing or just a random scene that popped into your head, but if it's the former I'd love to hear the rest. Also, it was a great piece - I'm not going to argue with that - but you might have made it a bit... longer. You've done a great job of describing things and not dragging them out, but you may want to add more events or something to create more than a five-second read. I love snapshot pictures that leave the reader asking questions, but with this I didn't even understand why it's called "A Fire fo Geno." If it's part of a bigger story, please explain that or you may confuse people.
Overall, I give this a definite thumbs-up for the style and wording, but the punctuation leaves much to be desired, which leaves me neutral overall. There seemed to be a lack of effort there... but fix that and fill it out a little, and you've got a pretty good piece! =D
(PS: if you've got any questions about the review or YWS, I'd love to be of help!
nice