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125,022 Literary Works • 672,750 Reviews
So this was a very well thought poem.
Flow was good.
But there are a few spots in need of correction:
First stanza: "Walking down the line
What's gonna be my fate?" -Alright. So in the second line the first to words can be
improved to also improve the flow, "What shall..." Would sound alot better.
Second stanza: "Thinking it's all fine
I'm going to have food on my plate?" -It's good, just a little juvinile, but some improvisions...
Start at the second line, it should say instead "Am i to have food on my plate?"
Third stanza: "I might earn a dime
It is as easy as finding a date?" -Only two word should be changed in this stanza to, again, improve
flow. Second line; "Is it..."
Fourth stanza: Just fine on its own.
Fifth stanza: "My tree might grow a lime
Or will the winter show it's hate?" -Second line, second word, "Or shall..."
Sixth stanza: Very good on its own.
I hope to see improvisions soon.
You're very talented. Keep it up.
Thank you for your time.
Kasidie Clyde<3
This is short, sweet and subtle in its message. It was very enjoyable to read.
Just a couple of quick nit-picking:
Nice start. If it were me, I would use "going to" instead of "gonna". But if you'd like to keep it colloquial, that's your choice.
Grammatical error: 'its' instead of 'it's'
Also, you tend to place statements in question marks. For example,
Perhaps it would be better to change it to, "Will I have food on my plate?" and "Is it as easy as finding a date?" so that the lines are actually question marks.
But overall, I loved it. Great job!
This is... cute
I loved it! 
xx
I love the end part; totally unexpected.
There's just this one part; "might I steal a crate?"
That kind of sounded a little predictable; like you were straining to rhyme, rather than letting it all flow... if you understand what I mean?
That's the only part. The rest of it was really descriptive, and cleverly written
Keep writing; your style is very creative
Hello, so, for a first attempt at poetry, this is good. Well, I have a habit a nit-picking apart a poem so, here goes:
Go beginning, states what the poems gonna be about.
So, I think this would sound better if it read
I'm thinking it's all fine
But will I have food on my plate? #0040FF "><< Just a suggestion.
^^ I think you should change that line to something that also has to do with making money or a job, like the line before it. But be careful not to make the rhyme so forced, to rhyme in a poem and sound good, you have to make it seem to flow, like you didn't have to think about making it rhyme at all. This can be hard, but if you need help more, PM me.
Oh, also, it is VERY hard to keep the same rhyme through out the whole poem, some times it is better to just have one rhyme within a stanza and a differant ryhme in the next stanza, or in the case of this poem, have one of the two line stanzas rhyme with the next, then the next two, two line stanzas rhyme, and so on... If you need help with that PM me...
I liek how you go though life, like, this could happen, will this happen. That is one thing that makes this poem good. I like the first line to this, change the last word in the second line and it will be really good.
Ok, so, what I suggest is to change the last two lines of the last two stanzas and make them rhyme, but with a differant rhyme, not the same "ate" rhyme...
This is good, "lime" is a kinda strange fruit to refer to, but it works, really good acually because it is unque...
I also now see that you tryed to rhyme all the end word of the first lines... That acually turned out ok...
Like I said, this is a relly good first atempt! I love the theme, you seem to need some help with your rhymes, but that is ok, you can easily fix that...
So, if you need help, I would love to help, just PM me...
~Rain~
P.S. Sorry for the bad spelling, I suck at it and I don't ahev a spell check...
This was awesome I think it was a little far fetched in the beginning, but i can definitely see your train of thoughts and how the grow in length good job.
Spoiler
Very good for such a young writer as you are.
My smile started growing slowly as I read this. At a point I was thinking, I should totally tell you to not rhyme in the poem and then I read this:
Welcome to YWS! That was an awesome poem. I'm going to be reviewing your work today.
First of all let me say I liked the dual-lined stanza. It brought the image of contradiction across rather nicely. I had a problem with your rhythm at times, it didn't feel consistent. What *I* heard it as was something that could easily be transferred into a rap, is all I'm saying. Some lines broke away from that by having either to many syllables or what. There were a few things I would consider grammatical errors.
That doesn't sound like a question. It could be 'But am I going to have food on my plate'
I'm guessing you mixed up the first two letters? If not then I must say it sounded off, not equal with the rest of your language style.
And then this. This is what could've caused me to say don't rhyme.
It sounded forced. And in that, it didn't connect with the line above it. Yes, it is a crime but hardly one to care about. I mean seriously. One suggestion, but this is your poem of course: I might commit a crime / The police will always be just too late
Nonetheless, incredibly well done. *LIKED*
If you're confused about something, just PM me and I'd be happy to help as are most member on this site.
TheNewHero