Young Writers Society

Soo cool! awesome!

Hey Mayfyre (love the name by the way)- welcome to the young writers society! I really do hope you stick around. I'm with kyte. This really is a good begining. There's real potiental for this, and I don't say that very often. I'll just try and outline anything which I can see that might have been a problem with it:

Your crown of molten copper ,

melts into my skin.

Playfully I’m curling

your thatch of crimson flame. (Good start here, there's a great rhythm)



From the center oft he planet, (should be 'of the')

your ardent breath ascends,

glowing like your ruby kiss,

that sets the world ablaze.



Like Icarus I’m falling,

my heart is molten wax,

but stormily I spread my wings

My soul transcends your wrath. (Unnecessary capitalization of 'My')



I am like a tempest

and race over the sea. (Tense is mixed up. Should read-'I am like a tempest which races over the sea')

The rage of fire leads my way,

I soar to raving heights. (Good)



A roaring, carmine firestorm,

Burns the scarlet sin; (Unnecessary capitalization again)

Churns the sea (again)

and grouts the earth

and stirs the hell within.



The flaming hunt

Has scorched us both, (and again- it disturbs the flow you see)

to ashes and dead ember,

that a soft breeze carries on its wings,

into the open sea. (Great ending. Terrific imagery)

Wow, I say wow. Um, not much to offer in review, but I like.