Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Literature



by MaybeAndrew

I'm aware this is a little longer than most things are on the site, so if you do the extra work of leaving it a review, I'll give you a little tip of 100 extra points as a reward (;




The door opened with a pleasant ding, which brought him back from his wandering thoughts. The bakery smelled strongly of recently baked bread, fruit, and chocolate. John took a deep breath and felt his sense of smell being heightened for the Viewers. He scanned the familiar bakery. Beautiful artisan shelves filled with loaves of bread lined the walls, and in the center of the room was a table with an enormous tower of pastries. Underneath the glass counter were pies so beautiful, you could taste the fruit just by looking at them. The walls had a lovely floral wallpaper, lit by the large windows and the warm lights hanging from the ceiling.

Another Character was perusing the pastries along one wall. They nodded at John and smiled, then went back to their pastry searching.

They’re a food critic. Their Truth is eating a variety of the best food. He thought, I wonder if that gets boring.

John walked up to the counter. The baker standing behind it was dressed in a colorful apron, and a large set of gleaming white teeth adorned her pretty face. She, like everyone here, was delightful to look at.

“What can I get for you, John?”

John smiled back reflexively and took a deep breath. “Oh, there is so much to choose from.”

“Yes, there is.” The women nodded.

How many people liked to live her Truth? It seems so... simple. But I can imagine some would want that. His eyes couldn’t help but dart to the piece of metal on the side of her head. There sat the small blinking light that broadcasted her Truth to the Viewers. He wasn’t technically supposed to stare at it, doing so broke immersion. 

"So...?" The backer asked, laughter on the edge of her voice.

John laughed, breaking his eyes from the blinking light on the side of her head. I wonder if she knew I was looking at it. "Sorry, I just got a bit overwhelmed. Maybe just a baguette. I'm making sandwiches for later today."

"Excellent choice. Are you off adventuring again?"

"That's what I do. But I couldn't do it without your excellent food to sustain me." That line had been sloppy. His eyes darted back to the blinking light.

I have one of those too. There to broadcast every experience... except the negative ones.

John thanked the women for the bread, and took the paper bag, and held it with one arm as he exited. Its warmth felt nice on the slightly chilly spring morning. I wonder if the Viewers can feel this cold. Or did the pain filters decide it was not Truth?

The road was as clean and picturesque as ever. The buildings were colorfully painted stone, each one a little different shape and size. They had large windows with colorful shutters open wide, flowers sat in the window sills, and well-kept hedges or public parks separated many buildings. John greeted other Characters as he went along. All having their own blinking spot of metal just next to their temple.

They all have their feelings. They feel the cobblestone beneath their feet as well, hear the birds chirping, but slightly different than me. Do some of them feel it more, or different? The Viewers know they get to see from their eyes, feel from their skin, smell from their noses.

John stopped. It was not his place to wonder, not his place to envy the Viewer, he was John, and John had his job, and the others theirs. The Writer had picked them, the Writers new best.

John smiled. It really was a beautiful day. All days were. John stopped on a wooden bridge over a sparkling clean river and looked out. The fruit trees that lined the boulevard were flowering. Birds swooped among the trees. People were walking, talking, riding bikes, coming in and out of shops with sweets, or breakfast, or a new hat. The distant clocktower chimed musically. The sun warmed the skin and-

A blot

All of it stopped.

Even the birds stopped singing as John saw it come around the corner. A disruption to the Truth.

It was crawling, a mass of hair, limbs, body, and pain. Its skin was so deathly pale it looked like you could see its bones, laced by veins and arteries. It had such little muscle or fat it looked like someone had stretched skin over a skeleton. It was crawling along the ground... crawling is too kind a word for it. It was prowling, creeping dragging itself forward, digging its dirty and bloodied nails into the road to pull itself across the street. Worst of all, the thing was letting out a terrible sound, like moaning or screaming, but more raw and broken than any screaming he had ever heard.

An escaped viewer, He thought in horror. He could taste bile at the back of his throat. Most fell back in horror, a couple of Characters screamed. Many froze, staring at it.

You should not look at it

That disturbs the Truth.

John could not help it, though. Many seemed terrified that it might jump up and attack, sink its teeth into someone's side. That would be a mercy, He thought. At least it would give us something to watch.

No, he realized, it was too weak even to stand. It was something to be pitied, not feared.

This went against his base instincts as he looked at the pale creature. But John was good against going against his base instinct. In a different time, John could have been a soldier, he was a man of great bravery.

So he stared for a moment longer. This was the first time he had seen a viewer. He had heard that sometimes with a forced disconnect from their Character, they become Untethered. As he staired, he discovered the thing- was male- a man if you could call it that. All others seemed to listen to the writers and scattered as if nothing had occurred. But he stayed. It-he must not be used to all this pain. All this cold. The experience must be ripping it apart.

The Viewer's body structure looked like John's fellow characters. But it had no light on the side of its head—just matted hair. 

It looked up from the cobblestone, its inconsistent screaming stopping as its eyes locked with Johns. The blue-green eyes shimmered with tears.

John stumbled back and turned away from it. He couldn’t look at it any longer.

The Editors would deal with it. John needed to leave.

As he joined the main thoroughfare, it looked as if nothing had happened. All was back to normal.

In his head, a pleasant voice sounded.

"We apologize for that inconvenience. Disruptions of the Truth not to be considered. Remember, this is good. With the Now, there is no pain, no hardship, no cruelty or unfairness."

He knew that only viewers were supposed to hear these announcements, but he thought there had been some type of fluke—nothing to worry about.

"With the Now, all is fair. All are one. No one need have the pain of decision, difference, or independence. In the now, there is no greed, no evil, no war, no individual. You can choose from among our many Characters what you wish to experience. Never will you see disease, poverty, or pollution. Life thrives. You Truth is valid. Your Truth is all. Once again, we apologize for the inconvenience."

As John walked, he thought about this. It was his job to feel things, so others didn't have to. So the Viewers could live his adventurous life without pain, decision, or difference among them.

But he could not shake what he had seen in those eyes. A look he had seen before, but he could not remember where. They had been… full. Full of life, pride, humanity. A viewer who was once free of pain and hardship, given pain and freedom, felt alive


John arrived at the mountainside in the late morning. Today John would be rock climbing with hiking with some other Characters. It should be fun. John made sure his backpack was all tied on right. He looked around at the other Characters.

They all seemed happy. They were talking, laughing, smiling, and taking deep breaths of the forest air.

But their eyes.

None of them looked as alive as that creature.

All of their eyes, though so full of viewers, were empty

Are we helping create things like that?

Was it our fault?

No, all is better this way: no pain, no hardship, all is fair.

The forest was bright green, pierced with yellow sunlight, and colorful wildflowers beginning to bloom. Distantly, the green of the mountains gave way to white and grey.

They set off, Climbing and hiking the cliff face, using the pre-carved food holes, the well-trodden paths with their rails.

John was slower than the others, weighed down by a head full of thoughts.

Another character joivally called back for him to catch up. John looked up from his careful steps and smiled opened his mouth to reply. But before he could, his feet slipped out from under him. John toppled forward and caught himself on a rock. John righted himself and then looked at his hand.

He couldn’t feel it, but a cut was dripping warm red blood down John’s hand.

I thought only the viewers experience the pain filters, and it must be another glitch, He thought, as John took out his first aid kit. John sat down and listened as the other characters voices faded away as they left him behind. They weren’t supposed to acknowledge pain. He used a healing pack to close the wound instantly.

Soon, they arrived at the river. It was slipping over a cliff face and formed a sparkling waterfall down into a crystal pool. They were up high enough he could see the entire vally. He could see The Village, the beautiful farmland and gardens to the west of it, and the forest and fields of perfect grass to the east.

And ever-present on the eastern horizon was the mathematically cubic, almost impossibly tall set of buildings.

That's where the Viewer had escaped from

John turned and squinted at the other horizon beyond the western farms and gardens was The Wild Forest. Creeping ivy, and mysterious smoky fog, covered the harsh forest and rocky outcroppings of mountains.

They were Untethered.

Unmanaged by the Writers.

No one knew why.

No one was supposed to speak of it. But there were whispers of barbarian tribes, biting bugs, diseased and horrid animals.

That would be an adventure.

John sat down and talked to the fellow adventures as they ate. His sandwich was a perfect blend of flavors.

All was perfect.

All was expected.


John turned around.

A woman was standing atop a large boulder, looking up at the puffy clouds that wandered across the blue sky.

She was fit, olive-skinned, and she stood powerfully.

She looked like a character.

But not

The way she stood,

Just for her,


She had no metal on the side of her head. She was broadcasting no Truth.

Neither viewer nor Character.

Something new,


Something ancient.

John had heard about these in history. But history was not to be studied. It conflicted with the truth. There was Only the Now.

"C'mon, John! There's a path up to a spot to jump into the river."

He looked away from her. Only the Now.

John followed the other characters up through a beautiful path to a boulder that stuck out over the sparkling pool.

John watched as each of his friends jumped off the rock and landed in the water below. He wasn't in the mood to jump for today. It seemed boring. Of course, they would land in the water. There was no danger. The water would be neither cold nor warm, merely comfortable. The experience, though new, was not distinct. 

He let all the others jump until he was alone at the top, watching them swim around the waterfall.

“Hey.” He whirled. He was the only one at the top, but no, there was the Untethered woman.

“You were staring at me." She commented simply.

John glanced at her and then away, “Yeah, sorry.”

It was probably fine to talk to her. She was not upsetting the Truth.

“You’re not supposed to look at me… I’m a disruption.” 

As if she had challenged him, he turned directly to her. There was a long scar across her cheek. She looked more aged than most he had seen. Lines traced her face and the edges of her eyes, yet she was beautiful.

He couldn’t help it, but his eyes fell into hers. They were like that of the Untethered Viewer.

As he stared at the shining green and blue iris and the ponds of darkness, he remembered it. The time even before the untethered Viewer in which he had seen that look of fullness. It had been his mother. When he was five, she had refused to let him go to be tethered. They had dragged him away from her. Her eyes had had that look, filled with both good and bad.

They were brimming with emotions, pain, love, joy, sadness.

Inside those eyes could be anything. He wanted to found out what. But he was also terrified. There were no restrictions. She could do anything if she accepted the consequence, think anything, say anything. She was untethered, just like the escaped Viewer.

Her eyes dilated, he felt his chest burn with the strange intensity he sometimes felt when looking out to the Wild Lands. Then she blinked, and it was gone, was no longer looking into his eyes, but past them.

She smiled, “Giving those Viewers a good look at me?”

“No, I’m just getting a good look at you.” John said. He was surprised. He hadn’t meant to say that. They weren’t supposed to acknowledge the viewers. It was not Truth. He should have jumped into the lake, not stayed where she could keep disrupting things.

She chuckled in surprise and her eyes seemed to focus back on him, not past him.

“But they are seeing it too. You never see anything alone. Doesn’t it get terrible to every experience, painless, broadcasted, written?" She asked with genuine concern, her brow wrinkled, "Your the freest among them and still not free.” 

“It’s an honor,” John replied reflexively. 

“Every terrible job we call an honor, its the only way we can keep the moral doing it.”

John paused. “I’m John.”

“Nice to meet you, John, I’m Linda Barclay” She stuck out her hand and shook his.

“Barclay?” He asked.

“It’s a last name. They used to have those when families mattered and when there were many... people”

The wind changed direction and the breeze brought the slightest hint of her smell to Johns's nose. She smelled like a person, no perfume or cologne covering it up. She smelled like hair and natural musk and even the slightest hint of sweat. It wasn't bad. It was human.


"No, quite, natural. Before there were viewers and characters there were people. People aren't meant to be separated into groups. We are just meant to be people." 

"But if it were that way was pain, prejudice, and death as well."

A natural consequence of choice. One we were not willing to accept."

Every alarm bell was going off in his head. She was hurting the Truth. The Viewers must feel so insulted. He must get away from her at any cost. John didn't move.

She turned away from him and looked out at the wildlands, "Beautiful isn't it?"

John joined her and stared out at the mess, which was the wild forest. "yes..." John paused. "Are you from there?" Staying was one, actively causing disruption was another.

She laughed, "No, I was a viewer once. But it is where I live now." She looked over at him, "Where are you from?"

"The Village. But I feel like I'm from the world. I've traveled so much, seen so much. But I will always call The Village home." Johns programmed response

"They call your type of characters adventures, right?"

"Yes, we live for the ride. Our life is exciting. What are... you?"

"I admit, it sounds easy, beautiful, but not exciting. There are no stakes—you're doing it for nothing but yourself. There is no growth or real achievement. Every day you are served a new experince of beauty and ease, but never do you learn from it, never does it make your grow." 

John swallowed, "But how can you spend your time? You have no writers, no fellow characters, no adventures. "My life is full of adventures. Catch today's dinner, prepare tomorrow's bed. And I may not have fellow characters, but there are others of us. I am not the only one."

She looked right at him, "You could join us, any of the viewers can, or any of the characters, leave the life of ease to something with more substance.

This wasn't just a disruption of the Truth. This was an attack. It must deeply be offending and hurt the viewers. "That would be selfish. There are not enough resources for that. There would be pain, war, unfairness, the balanced would be thrown off."

"It might. Suppose lack of pain is what you seek, then I propose a counterpoint. Destroy all of humanity. Then there would be no pain. Let only one live, and let that person never feel pain. "

Johns's heart was beating faster and faster. These ideas were dangerous. He should not interface with them. The Writers would want him to leave, but she was too interesting. This was too interesting. They would rather he make wild love to her, seduce her, fight her, anything but let her keep talking.

"But there is joy now. We all have joy. All joy is equal. They get to live the best lives through us. They get the fulness of experience, all five senses. They see the most beautiful things, taste the best foods, hear the best musicians."

"None of what you give is full. Everything you give is half, and half of joy is not joy. It is nothing. The opposite to fulfillment is not pain. It is comfort. You consider yourself a server of the viewers, but you are their jail warden."

He blinked, That hurts. It is wrong. But maybe being hurt is not the worst thing to be.

"Good luck though, hope you have fun with your friends. Just know," She turned, so her back was to the pool, "the Wildlands are always open if your willing to leave the comfort." She fell directly backward, flipped, and then landed in a pencil dive in the water.

John stood there for a moment. I should follow her. If I let her go, I may never see her again, He thought. But John just watched as she swam to the side and walked away. He wanted to move so bad, but for some reason, John's limbs wouldn't move until she was out of sight.


John awoke just as the sun rose the following day. John liked it that way. He could be out before the other people. After meeting Linda yesterday, everything had gone normally. Comfortably. Stagnant.

He left his cabin out the back door into the cold crisp morning. He took his morning walk through the quiet village and then to the farmlands filled with flowing fields of grass, flowers, gardens, farm homes, and-

Once again, a disruption

Linda was sitting on a low stone wall.

"Fancy seeing you here." She said in surprise.

John stopped. He felt like his entire being was shocked with a bolt of energy. "Good morning."

"I'm waiting for a friend, another character. Don't worry, I'll be gone soon enough. Sorry if I ever worried you."

John paused for a couple of moments. He felt relieved. He had thought he would never see Linda again.

"Why did you talk to me yesterday? There were a lot of us there. I bet the others glanced at you."

"You looked worried. If you're worried, you're thinking."

"Worry isn't good."

"True, worry is useless, but it's a sign you were different. You hadn't gotten over the discontent. Worry is a symptom of thought. Most people don't dare to think.

"I wish I didn't."

"You might be right. Those characters who accept their lot may be content, but that's their choice to stay, and it should be yours to leave if you like."

Another woman arrived, they greeted each other. She was a fellow character, but her light was not blinking. It looked smashed.

John paused, looking at Linda one last time before she left. She looked at him with interest. But real interest, chosen herself.

She turned and walked away.

"Wait up." His voice didn't sound like his, but he was doing it.

I can't imprison the Viewers any longer.

Linda turned and smiled at him.

John leaned down, grabbed a rock, brought it away from his head slowly. If he wanted to break his tether, he would have to do it with precision. John held it there for a moment and then slammed it against the Tether on his temple.



He awoke with a start. He was somewhere dark. His eyes were bleary. His limbs felt heavy. He blinked. Sleep misted his eyes. He looked down. He was on a metal frame bed with a thin mattress. He was lying under a thin blanket wearing some type of hospital robe. His arms looked like bones, no muscle, and so pale he could see the red and purple veins flowing through them. He looked like the untethered viewer he had seen earlier. Tubes and wires fed into one arm. He looked up, the wires fed through a bag and into machinery.

He raised his arms to rub his eyes. They felt like they were weighed down by bags of sand.

Hadn't he just been leaving?

Where am I

Where is Linda?

Where is the Forrest?

Had he been dreaming?

He found his face was not his.

My face had had a beard, a pointed nose. It had been broad. Not this thin small nosed-

He found a tube coming out of his nose. He took it and pulled it. It tickled its way up his throat and then all of the way out of his nose.

Where am I? He thought again, looking up and down the room.

It was massive, larger than any building in the village, countless beds perfectly spaced, extended in all directions.

In every bed laid a form, countless wires, and tubes and ran into the people in the beds. Not a form was moving, every shape a worn away shadow of a person.

They went all the way into the distance.

I'm not in The Village

He thought about the untethered viewer. The words ran through his mind once more. 'Forced disconnects sometimes wake viewers.'

Those flukes, those times he had experienced things meant for the viewers, had not been flukes. 

He went cold.

I've never been in the village

John had a beard,

I don't.

John was escaping,

I'm not.

Frantically he looked around again, and saw one point of light. A small window. His eyes adjusted to the painfully bright sunlight, and he saw out it was a view of the valley.

He looked down at his arm and grabbed the wires.

His tether.

He looked back out the window and then back at his tether.

Should he?

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
21 Reviews

Points: 691
Reviews: 21

Fri Apr 02, 2021 2:35 am
View Likes
TheClosetWriter wrote a review...

After looking to read a more extensive project, I came across Untethered and was immediately forced to question the origins behind such an ominous title. I quickly grew to like John and was captivated by the dystopian world in which he existed. From inner monologue to easy flow between both sentences and paragraphs alike, it wasn't hard to fall deeper into the mystery of this society. The contrast between Linda and John was especially crucial in helping the audience to trace themes. Furthermore, common dystopian ideas such as peaceful oppresion vs. chaotic freedom and the underlying ignorance is bliss moral made for an enchanting tale. In terms of constructive criticism, I am happy to say there were very few grammatical errors but I would still like to see some more sentence variation. Switching up length and basic organization can do a lot to eliminate "blockiness" in longer portions of text. Although description was ample enough to transport me, I also feel that imagery can be enhanced through the use of poetic language. Similes and metaphors are often underestimated when looking to perfect literature. Other than that, I truly adore how this story is told. The idea could be the premise for a much bigger work, even a novel.

MaybeAndrew says...

Thanks a ton for the review! I'm glad you liked it, the idea of living lives through others has captivated me for a long time, and though writing this story has satiated that hunger, it may come back, so there's a chance you'll see that novel.
I agree that it's a bit blocky, and I do love me some good poetic descriptions, so I'll try to put a couple more of those in!

Of course! Can't wait for the novel!! :)

User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 301
Reviews: 5

Thu Mar 25, 2021 12:39 am
View Likes
ThikiNiki wrote a review...

Hey MaybeAndrew! This was excellent!

The door opened with a delightful ding, which brought him back from his wandering thoughts. The bakery smelled strongly of recently baked bread, fruit, and chocolate. John took a deep breath and felt his sense of smell being heightened for the Viewers. He scanned the familiar bakery. Beautiful artisan shelves filled with loaves of bread lined the walls, and in the center of the room was a table with an enormous tower of pastries. Underneath the glass counter were pies so beautiful, you could taste the fruit just by looking at them. The walls had a delightful floral wallpaper, lit by the large windows and the warm lights hanging from the ceiling.
I love this! It's descriptive without overloading the brain with knowledge, I as a reader have some freedom to imagine my own version of a bakery. I would, however, try to refrain from using a word (in this case "Delightful") multiple times in a paragraph to describe something, maybe try "Magnificent" or another synonym?

Another character was perusing the pastries along one wall.
I noticed here that you didn't capitalize "Character" like you did throughout the rest of the book, but the word choice was excellent! I wouldn't have thought to use the word "Perusing" in this scenario.

I like how you capitalized "Truth" in this book, it made me figure out pretty quickly that there was something going on, and I like that John knew it too. It seemed sort of similar to the Giver, where he knew what was going on, and he also knew that he couldn't talk about it.

None of them looked as alive as that creature.

All of their eyes, though so full of viewers, were empty
I love that you didn't force the fact that none of them looked alive, how they were being controlled (At this point in my reading, I thought it was like a virtual reality character or something similar).

I really like all the dialogue between Linda and John, but I was missing their tones, facial expressions, etc., in the descriptions, I would love some more visual pictures of how they looked when they were talking, unless you were going for a monotone sort of vibe.

I liked the part where he smashed the machine on his head, but it took me a minute to realize that he was hitting the machine, not his head itself, and I was wondering two things.
1. Did his bearded John body simply disappear, or did it fall unconscious?
2. Why did he want Linda to watch him break his tether?

Overall, I really liked this. To me, it seemed inspired by both "The Giver" and "The Matrix", and as a fan of both of those worlds, this was very, very fun to read

MaybeAndrew says...

Thanks a ton for your review! I will address those problems!
to answer your two questions, 1. I should have explained this better, and I hope now that I've edited the ending it makes more sense, but John was never the main character. The John who broke his tether is free now. Our main character, the one having all the thoughts and who appears at the end of the story, was a viewer, who was simply seeing through Johns's eyes. The Viewer did not know they were not John until john broke his tether and forced the viewer to disconnect.
2. I don't one hundo percent know what you mean by that, but overall John wanted to be near Linda, she's the main reason he broke out. She was interesting, she was new. He wanted to know her, arguably, he was falling in love with her.
But once again, thanks for the feedback!

User avatar

Points: 126
Reviews: 4

Wed Mar 24, 2021 11:18 am
View Likes
avery014 wrote a review...

Hey MaybeAndrew!
I have to say this is amazing! The imagery was really beautiful, especially the initial part, one could almost imagine themselves in the bakery. The suspense you kept up with the viewers and tethers really is interesting. To be honest, I found the ending slightly confusing, but nevertheless I think I got a gist of it. It was really cool! Looking forward to reading more!

MaybeAndrew says...

Thanks for the review! I agree, the ending needs editing. It's supposed to be one of those things the author never says but the reader just realizes, but evidently I did not write that well enough!

User avatar
83 Reviews

Points: 7164
Reviews: 83

Wed Mar 24, 2021 4:01 am
View Likes
Spearmint wrote a review...

AHHH YES JOHN/PERSON, YOU SHOULD!!! Go find that valley and be freeeeeee!!!
Okay, now that that's over with, let's get to the review! C:

John took a deep breath and felt his sense of smell being heightened for the Viewers.

Ooh right from the start, I was intrigued. Who are the Viewers? Why is John's sense of smell being heightened? Great job getting the reader interested! could taste the fruit just by looking at them.

Nice description here too! Also I think it's awesome that the bakery part doesn't include much specific detail like color or anything, instead describing everything as simply beautiful and allowing the reader to create their own image of a perfect bakery. There isn't much I can critique for this first section!

They’re a food critic. Their Truth is eating a variety of the best food.

Hmm... here I was wondering whether "Truth" was like a job or something? Still pretty mysterious...

I wonder if the Viewers can feel this cold. Or did the pain filters decide it was not Truth?

Ooh okay, now I was starting to suspect that Truth is not actually truth... I love the way not everything is revealed at once, it really made me want to keep reading! ^-^

A distribution to the Truth.

A super tiny thing here, but did you mean "disruption" instead of "distribution"? Or maybe I'm just missing something cx

In a different time, John could have been a soldier, he was a man of great bravery.

But he stared for a moment longer.

All right, the transition seems a little bumpy here. How is the soldier part related to the story? Is it just to emphasize John's bravery? If so, I don't think that sentence is completely necessary, as the fact that John is different from the other Characters is conveyed pretty well throughout the rest of the story. At least, in my opinion. :]
Oh, and adding on to that, why exactly is John different? How come he isn't like all the other Characters, satisfied with their picturesque lives? Is it because of the fluke broadcast or something? I think it'd be nice if you could clarify that a bit ^-^

It was his job to feel things, so others didn't have to. So the Viewers could live his adventurous life without pain, decision, or difference among them.

Ah this is quite an interesting concept! Living someone else's life, but with all the bad parts edited out. Ten out of ten for creativity!
Just one thing I was confused about: what does "difference among them" mean? Does "them" mean the Viewers? What kind of "difference"s would they have? I feel like this might work better if rephrased, for example: "...without pain, discomfort, or decisions." Totally optional though, it might just be me! :>

All of their eyes, though so full of viewers, were empty

Ahh this is so beautiful; the contradiction is awesome! And this line too: "John was slower than the others, weighed down by a head full of thoughts." Both of these sound so poetic! ^_^

I thought only the viewers experience the pain filters...

Wait, so John usually is able to experience pain? Wouldn't that mean that his life does have hardships, and that he is alive? Or is he not alive because he doesn't have control over what he does? Sorry, I'm a little confused by this cx

John watched as each of his friends jumped and fell 10 meters before landing in the water below.

Is it just me, or does 10 meters seem rather specific? XD I feel like it might flow better if you replaced this with something like "...jumped and fell the perfect distance for the optimum splash into the water below." Totally optional, though! C:

He must get away from her at any cost. John didn't move.

Lol I found this part super funny XDD Keep up that sense of humor! :]

He found his face was not his...

John was escaping.

I'm not.

0.0 Wait whaaat?
Was the narrator actually a Viewer?? ~ooh plot twist~
(also please let me know if I'm completely off-base here; that's just what it seemed like to me! cx)

Overall this story was super fun to read, and it was also really thoughtful, like it made me consider how maybe hardships are just a part of being alive. I enjoyed this very much, and I don't need those 100 points-- please use them to post more works instead! ^-^ Happy writing!

MaybeAndrew says...

Oops, gave you the points before I read the end of the review XD.
Thanks a ton for the review! You raised many great points and I will make those edits.
And yes, the narrator was a viewer, that's why they kept experiences things only viewers should experience. If you notice, John does very little to express the narrates those thoughts are his, because, in fact, they aren't. I hope that makes sense.
I was super scared that that was too hard to pick up on and then the end would be really confusing. Hope you did!

Spearmint says...

Ah it's okay, I returned them ^-^
And you're welcome for the review!
Ohh yeah that makes sense, that's what I was suspecting! Thanks for explaining, and I think overall this was really well written; it wasn't too hard to pick up on! :]

User avatar
48 Reviews

Points: 150
Reviews: 48

Wed Mar 24, 2021 3:01 am
View Likes
LadyMysterio says...

Oh wow that is long ;-; I will review it tho

— alliyah