Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Prompt:
"Kid, get off the ground. Spit your blood, and bare your teeth; go down like a savage, go down fighting."
Response
He wiped his nose, the blood smearing across his face, and into the tips of his dirty hair. He glared up, blue eyes blazing with a righteous anger. The man and his guards didn't waver, even with his blood tainting their knuckles. "Why should I go down at all? You won't."
The man chuckled, shrugging his Armani clad shoulders, hands thrust deep into his pockets as he stepped closer. "You're right, kid, but I've been at this a lot longer than ya. Ya gotta go down a few times before ya can stand like me."
The boy stood slowly, knees trembling under his weight. He squared his shoulders, back straight. The man's eyebrows lifted in amusement. "I will not stand like you, you snake. I would rather stay down, than stand like you."
The man's face morphed into a sneer as he stepped closer to the boy, snarling. "Ya wouldn't last one night on my streets. This is my world, not yours."
The boy wouldn't flinch away from the close proximity of the man who exuded a barely contained brutality. "The streets belong to no one. Not even one as vilely oppressive as you."
A manic grin settled on the man's face. He backed away. "Guess I'll have to kill ya then. Take him."
The boy was spitting blood in the end, his bruised body, broken ribs and collapsed lung leaving him on borrowed time. The man stood above him again, the grin darker now, blood lust clear in his eyes. "Told ya you'd go down swinging."
The man's words echoed in the boy's ears, the last thing he heard as he faded from his father's world.
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Canary word: Present
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
Your use of emotion is great. It's very to easy to feel the anger that the characters are feeling, and the pain as this character's life comes to an end. It's very intense and unsettling, which I'm probably sure you were aiming for?
What's lacking here is directive. It's hard to tell just who is saying what, and why they are saying what they are saying to each other. I'd consider using dialogue tags so that this isn't so confusing.
Thank you for your words.
I was aiming for intense and unsettling. Glad it came through.
Personally, as a style choice, I'm not a big fan of dialogue tags. However, in my attempt to avoid them, I got too confusing? Sorry about that. I shall try to add some here and there for more variety, and to ground my characters.
1.
What I liked
I loved what the father says about being strong
2. Style and Plot
What was the use of the Prompt and response?
4. Words
I know why you did it. but it seems odd to have the father speak the way he does maybe you should change that for ease of reading-Just a thought.
3. Overall and Encouragement
No grammer errors as far as I can tell. I couldn't say I would like it but it was well done and that's just me. I mean no disrespect for you or the story.
1.
What I liked
I loved what the father says about being strong
2. Style and Plot
What was the use of the Prompt and response?
3. Overall and Encouragement
No grammer errors as far as I can tell. I couldn't say I would like it but it was well done and that's just me. I mean no disrespect for you or the story.
1.
What I liked
I loved what the father says about being strong
2. Style and Plot
What was the use of the Prompt and response?
4. Words
I know why you did it. but it seems odd to have the father speak the way he does maybe you should change that for ease of reading-Just a thought.
3. Overall and Encouragement
No grammer errors as far as I can tell. I couldn't say I would like it but it was well done and that's just me. I mean no disrespect for you or the story.
Only replying to one comment... think there may be something wrong with your internet or something...
The Prompt and Response are there because the prompt was not mine; I%u2019m afraid I stole that from Pinterest. The whole %u201Cya%u201D thing annoys me too. I just used it because I didn%u2019t like writing %u201CTold you you%u2019d go down%u201D. And then having just the one %u201Cya%u201D looked weird to me, so to avoid inconsistency I replaced all the father%u2019s you%u2019s with ya%u2019s... sorry if that was too distracting. I%u2019m not in the slightest bit offended that it wasn%u2019t your favorite piece. Everyone has their own taste, and it%u2019s not a crime to not share it. Thank you for your words!
Also, I%u2019m using my phone, so I apologize for the annoying added letters and numbers. I should have waited till I had a computer.