If you asked me if
I love you,
do you think I'd answer yes?
Of course I
wouldn't.
But despite what I'd
confess,
You'd sweep me in a
hug
and rest your head upon my shoulder,
Leaving me to
smolder
with the words that I suppress.
The phrases I spit from my mouth
prove my lying ways,
While my actions seem to tell the truth
of what I cannot say.
I simper when your
fingertips
wipe away my tears;
They erase the
evidence
that I had anything to fear.
I adore your rough,
caressing hands
that gently stroke my hair;
They whisper an
apology
for the bruises that I wear.
I flutter when
you firmly place
your palm around my wrist;
It begs of me to
stay
with a strength I can't resist.
What I ache for is your
cracking lips
that bear a boyish grin;
They sweetly kiss those
markings
that are laced across my skin.
And I crave to feel
your yearning breath,
hot against my cheek;
It melts away the protests
that I might have tried to shriek.
And I long to hear
your silky voice,
the one that grips my heart,
Because it casts a
magic spell
that seems to will me to restart.
If I asked you if
you love me,
would you answer with a yes?
Of course you would.
And so we'd restart, I guess.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey, yo, Maverick! Strangelove here on this PokeReview Day and I have a review for you!
Alright, I wasn't that impressed by the poem. It wasn't choppy, it progressed well, and the stanza forms were nice (except for one part, which I'll nitpick in a little). Just, the idea didn't help that much in this. It stopped it in its track at one point, and felt weird. But first, the good stuff.
Like I said before, this was fluent. It went along good, and nice. If you excuse some of the small lack of punctuation and uneven sentence lengths, it went good. You can manage to write a smooth poem, if you can fix the mistakes.
Three stanzas together. Can you please fix this?
The idea of this is quite retreaded. More retreaded than Fahrvergnügen. That's how most poems go, I understand, but this just felt like one of them. You could of done better, but it was a good poem for what it was.
Overall, good job.
Strangelove gives you...
7.1/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TeamPlasmaStruck
Thanks for the review!
And aha, I will work on fixing that stanza. Happy Review Day!
Hi Maverick!
This is a really good poem but there are a few things that you could change or correct.
Firstly, to spelling and grammar. I picked up a couple errors whilst reading through your poem. For example: the sixth line says "and rest you head..." shouldn't that be your? But there are only a couple of these so just remember to read over your work carefully before you publish it.
I also think you may need to rethink a couple of the stanzas. Your wording was great but a couple of the stanzas break the flow and cause the reader to lose the rhythm. Upon reading stanza five I noticed that there is a fifth line. This is different to the other stanzas and it really did break that rhythm that you had going. In my opinion, the stanza is fine without the fifth line. Often when writing you have to add more but in some cases you also have to be able to take away some. The first stanza is also different but I guess it is hard to split it up as the fourth and fifth lines are part of the same idea.
Overall this is a great poem and I think you did quite well. Oh, and thank you for teaching me something new today because I didn't before know that simper was a word.
Great job. Keep writing.
~Gia2505 a.k.a Your friendly neighbourhood Freak~
Thanks for your review!
And nice catch on that mistake, I'll go fix it and re-read through XD The thing is, I really like the fifth line of that stanza... But I guess you're right about having to know when to let go. So I'll probably change that. Anyways, thanks again 
Ahhh I love this poem so much! I have a sort of odd question, not that odd I guess. I run a blog with a close friend and sometimes when I find great pieces of work I like to display them. So I would like your permission to put this on the blog, with all the proper copy write and information about the author, and any other message you'd like me to display. The blog isn't much and isn't widely known about, but I'd love to have a real work of art displayed. Please message me if you're interested in giving your consent, if not that's perfectly alright. Just know, I. Love. This. Poem.
Hello Maverick, I am here for a review.
Frankly speaking, do you really think it is a poem? Well I guess you are confused with the format and writing of it. You should have broken it down into smaller stanzas and it could have looked really beautiful then. Sorry to say but, it just doesn't seem to be a poem!
The idea is great, the way you wrote it is fine (I am not picking up any grammatical mistakes because I am not a pro in it). It's just the format which made this poem look ugly; otherwise I loved what you meant and tried to say here.
Try editing it and re-writing it (just change the format) and you'll look awesome here.
All the best with your writing.
Cheers,
Thanks for your review
So, when I posted it and viewed it on my computer, it looked fine! The lines were a bit longer, but I found it easier to read that way, so I was a bit confused by your comment. However, upon revisiting it on my phone... Gah! I agree, it looks terrible, because the smaller screen screwed it all up. But then again, maybe you're viewing it the way I think is fine... Either way, I'll try re-formatting it, and I'd really appreciate if you would give more feedback regarding the changes. As you probably can tell, poetry is not my forte aha.
I am viewing it from my laptop; and the sentences does seem a bit longer. Do try re-formatting it. You may check my writings; I am also not a poet
Good luck
I shall revisit your poem once you have formatted it properly. Looking forward to it
Well, there's attempt No. 1 at re-formatting. And I think it looks more like an actual poem now! :') I'm more pleased with it, so thank you very much for calling out the poor initial formatting c: That being said, if you have any recommendations, I'm all ears. (Or, since this is a written conversation, I'm all eyes...?) Either way, thanks for your time!
I thought this poem had a lot of sensations embedded in the words. I thought that was great. However, the rhythm you had in each stanza was different and it was very difficult to find a pattern that you were solid with. I'm sorry to say this, but it didn't flow very well and I found it hard to read.
Haha, that's okay. I admit, the rhyming scheme is quite messy. Thanks for the feedback!