she's punching me with facts
she poisoned me with sarcasm
can't look away from it either, believe me
she left me with embarrassment
she's laughing her way to weak laughs
making me smile along the way
eating my peanut butter crunch plus water on the side
and the stolen food I have to live with
I gave her a kiss a while ago
hope I'm not sitting from the arm-length
only one kiss on her forehead
rapid breathing stole my eyes away
the stare she has with those fearless eyes
makes me want even more
the slow understanding, the mind-bending thoughts
guess she's keeping herself from the problems before
seconds are passing by obviously
though the time seems so consumed
the world's in rotation, while the Moon balances
somehow this bench isn't moving at all
she holds my hand so tight, I can't let go
while trees tickled her with sudden movements
struggling with the wind's fluent song
while she laughs her way to weak laughs
guess I'll smile and sit back now
sit back and pass my fingers through the spaces between hers
cause now it's me enjoying this little moment right here
and time decided to go in reverse
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
personally, i liked the scatterbrainedness
. is that a word? i don't know. but i liked it.
Thanks for the 'tiques you guys
And yes, making something clear is a bit difficult. I guess I'm writing more in my head, rather than outside of it. But the mistakes I made and crit's I've received, makes it more interesting, and more exquisite here aswell 
Hope you guys come and hang around here soon, or every once in a while. Cause I got alot on mind, and I'm ready to burst out on this pee-see here.
Later guys. Lotta love
Mau~
This concluded most interestingly.
I'll say right now: I rather liked it. [the ending]
With that being stated, I'll continue my slasher-fest.
Your repitition was hodge-podge at best, and painful at worst. Though you attempted to convey some emotions (and a deeper message?) thoughout, that was lost amid awkward wordings. I didn't feel anything when reading this. Y'know what I mean?
And, unchangingly, my suggestion is thus:
Go out and read poetry. You'll find it immensely helpful. And don't just read, question. Why did they say it like this? Why'd she punctuate like that? Ask yourself good questions, and chances are you'll find comparably good answers. Good luck
~Ed
Hey Twist,
You used some nice descriptions in the third and ended it amazingly in the fourth.
I've got to agree with Chevy, the first stanza was indeed a bit mystic, which could've been better. But on the other hand, it being mystic and all, gives the reader an urge to continue reading.
The second stanza, sounds a bit repetitive, as if you were saying everything over and over again. You used a sentence twice, but it looks like you put one sentence into 6. Lets say it's a bit "langdradig" you could've been more straight to the point.
The last two stanzas were highly enjoyable
One thing though Twist, don't forget to capitalize your "I's" And try to work a tee-bit on your punctuation
Nice job ^^
Cheerios, Reg
Hey
It was kind of odd in the beggining I agree with Chevy, but it got better! Good job! 
it was kind of scatter brained in the beginning but it improved in the third stanza. i kind of like that feel, but my only problem would be that it's kind of uneven..a little too abstract. i would suggest condensing the first stanza or maybe adding more after the fourth.