Published November 7, 2005
my eyes come undone.
it's the sun, the sun has come.
and my thoughts are one.
how come?
how come you breathe so slowly?
short breaths, softs breaths,
like they hardly know me.
entering the air in the slightest moment,
and disappearing before I know it.
but linger a while, stay with me.
these impersonal greetings aren't okay with me.
unrecognizable gestures falling away from me.
when i wish they would just spend the day with me.
but no, they won't.
and i know they don't.
they fall apart and fall away,
into the air, dispersed and displayed.
yet i hear their rhythm,
resonating in my ears.
i can feel and taste them,
and so suddenly, they appear.
flitting fine and fit and fair,
particles dancing through the air.
slipping out of your mouth, your nose.
silent and crimson, like a rose.
sweeping and swirling about my face.
calling me out of my sullen space.
tucking me neatly away to keep,
inside your dreams while you sleep.
and my eyes come undone.
to find the sun has come.
flooding the room with golden beams,
as i shake off the fireflies of this dream.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
Hey,
The content was good but difficult to read as it was just one big bit of text. I would break it up into stanzas and then try and change some puntuation as it jars in places disrupting the flow.
It was rather good though and a good concept you have going.
Keep it up and PM me for anything
~Retro Disco666
Hey,
The content was good but difficult to read as it was just one big bit of text. I would break it up into stanzas and then try and change some puntuation as it jars in places disrupting the flow.
It was rather good though and a good concept you have going.
Keep it up and PM me for anything
~Retro Disco666
WOW! I really enjoyed this poem. I was intrigued and captivated right til the end. Well done!
Wow, that was really touching for some reason.
Its like my senses where tuned into what you where writing.
It was kinda bittersweet to me,
and very breathtaking.
Great job!
~JVM
I like this it is very simple and just touching on things. Your writing style is very good, and the imagery/metaphors you use are wonderful.
You are a talented writer. Keep writing.
-*Twinkles