A hunger felt by no man, I feel for you each day.
Like a ghost, my brain evaporated into grey smoke
along with the ropes that bound me to this world.
I was trapped in your inferno.
A cage of ice I dare not smash, into a thousand pieces
like the remnants of my cold heart.
I am just half a human, with half a brain it seems as well!
I try to speak but words I long to say die before they leave my lips.
The music to my ears, my sacred hymn, my favorite song.
My heart falls apart beat by beat.
I am lying here now.
I can feel the slow decay, the worms of your ignorance
wriggling about my heart, eating it out
slowly.
My body is a machine.
Programmed for pleasure. A computer only you could operate.
Due to your absence, wandering hands may do the trick.
You lie beside me, covered in gold like the sun.
Your smile draws from me a single tear.
I catch my breath, but it already escapes, forming a dark shape
as I whisper the immortal words...
"I am in love with you".
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you for your review but the reason I didn't go into detail of the object of hunger in the poem is because who this person is is not important, he/she is just a metaphor for that one person who makes us go crazy but feels nothing back, I want people to be able to relate to my work. Also the reason the tense is different in the last poem is that the narrator is dreaming or dying and their last thoughts is happiness with the one they love. Thank you for the review and taking time to write it . It means so much.
First off, the 'you' of this poem goes from being absent to laying beside you. So I'm wondering if the tense should be looked.
In other news, you've inspired some images. Being in love is like being in hell. Maybe hell is strong but that's what's been inspired. And like Dante's inferno, you've got this hell being icy. I see ghosts created by cold clouds forming around ice.
However, I think this can do without all the...breathing...and the "music to my ears".
This chick is ignorant and doesn't know that it's tearing your heart apart? Don't tell us that, show us. Give us more thant the word ignorance to show how she's ignorant. Leave out the word hunger in the first sentence - leave that for the title. Show us the hunger. The cravings...etc.etc.
A Plus for passion.