Published March 29, 2010
I was barely alive,
till you entered my life.
I was falling apart,
till you gave me your heart.
Now you pushing the limit,
but I don't want to end it.
All the moments you steal,
trying hard not to feel.
I should have known from the get go,
that I'd soon have to let go.
This ain't a democracy,
I just want you to leave.
Cause I don't want to see,
your reflection in me.
It was all just a set up,
I promise I'll never let up.
Now it's my turn to choose,
whether you win or loose.
All the times that I tried,
all the ways that you lied.
But tell me part of its true,
cause its me and its you.
Going back to the start,
when you gave me your heart.
Now I got you forever,
and you wish that you never
ever , girl you know you wish that you never...
cheated on me.
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139,503 Literary Works • 672,590 Reviews
This was deep! I really enjoyed this part:
"Now I got you forever,
and you wish that you never
ever , girl you know you wish that you never...
cheated on me."
Keep it real and remember always be you!
Each poem is special and using slang is called using "dialect" and it does work!
Some times pretty words don't suffice and can't get the meaning across like slang can.
... wow... very nice
sadly, I can relate very, very well...
anyways, here's a review
First off, first paragraph is really good
Second, this may be nitpicking but when you use "till" it should be "'till" because it's short for until
you should be you're, but other than that I can't really see anything wrong.
as mentioned above, you really shouldn't use slang in poetry, unless it fits with the theme, etc.
"ain't" just doesn't sit well with the lines around it.
Nice wording in the second line, can't see anything that annoys me too much.
"loose" should be "lose"
Can't see anything wrong here
Shouldn't the "ever," be on the previous line?
anyways, amazing poem
sorry bout the pretty pathetic review
-Grimy
Hello! I'm Hailey!
Firstly, I really enjoyed this poem! I felt the deceit as well as how much you cared through the verses. I think you did a magnificant job (Except for the tiny mistakes I caught). And, as stated above, try not to use slang in a poem, it cuts of the edgy-ness and heartfelt-ness.
Otherwise, great job(:
-Hailey
I take it this is meant to be read aloud? It's a great idea. I don't know if you're familiar with the genre or the idea of slam poetry, because I am not, but even without knowing much about it, I have a few suggestions.
First of all, in the form, feel free to make it more free-flowing. Rhyme three lines with each other. Make some lines shorter, some longer, take pauses where you need to, and don't feel like you have to just make couplets. I think that a freer style of writing will lend itself better to be read out loud.
Secondly, if you keep the poem as it is, it's a story of a relationship. But basically, all relationships are the same. The only interesting point that you bring out is the dynamics of the relationship after the cheating happened -- the power trips, the emotions. There's not nearly enough of that in here, though. It's a little dry.
There are good parts:
I like those parts because they have good rhythm and solid meaning, but I think you might want to pick the rest up and make it better!
PM me if you have any questions. ^_^ It's a decent start!
-Hannah-
Hey! I see you barely just posted this lol. I just posted one of mine too.
Nitpicks:
I think "till" should be " 'til' " because it's a short version of until.
you should you're.
ain't is slang...try not to use it in poems.
OMG I WANT TO REVIEW THE REST BUT ITS CUT OFF ON THE BOTTOM OF MY IPOD SCREEN!! so I'll let someone else do it:(
annnywaaaays I liked it was dramatic in a good way.