Published December 31, 2012
So this all started when I woke up this morning. I woke up and stayed in bed for some time. You know that moment when you wake up, you're lost, you don't know if you're woken up or not, that's how I felt. For a couple of seconds. Then I realized a huge warm stain on my bed. My sheets were soaked ! So obviously, somebody spilled tea on my bed this morning. It's not the other thing you're thinking of. Even though only the bottom half of my clothes were drenched, hmm... No ! I know it isn't that. Or maybe i'm in denial, no, am I over thinking this? Whatever ! Somebody spilled something on my sheets. And i'm going to find out who it was. So, I smelled the stain to identify it. I didn't know the smell, so it was coffee, of course. So I figured out it was my brother, thanks to my detective skills. If you're wandering why my brother, a 16 year old teen, would drink coffee, well, I can't answer that one, sadly. But I took it as a way of making himself look smarter, which doesn't. Because he spits out half of what's in his mouth back into his cup, what a loser. Back to my story, I knocked on his door with detective confidence next to the letters J.F. engraved on it, because his name is Jean-Francois, my mom had a weird thing for French people in the 90's. So, now you know that my brother's name is Jean-Francois and he tries to make himself look cool by drinking coffee, you must think that he's a real odd fella, trust me he is. I am getting off topic, again. So... He didn't answer so I opened it and nobody was inside the room. I checked the bathroom and still no one. I went downstairs because I thought I would take my breakfast. Do you know why it's called breakfast, it's to break the fasting which makes you want to eat, so technically, english people when they eat ham, eggs all sorts of greasy stuff, in the morning. They make themselves less fat.
I can't stay on one topic can't I ?
So I went downstairs to take my morning toasts. But i got interrupted by my brother and my mom, telling me I had to stop wetting my bed or some other nonsense. But I don't know why my brother was there sipping his spit full coffee of his. Well to be on honest, the whole stain on my bed thing did occure five times. For the last month, is that weird? But i'm sure that's a coincidence. Right after that i came up here and started talking to you. Whoever you are. And i'm probably gonna go down stairs and my mom will give me some supportive shmush about how I shouldn't be denying the truth. But a detective always reveales the true truth, right? If that makes any sense.
So i guess this is bye, hun? Awkward...
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139,247 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hey Matias!
I find your story funny and interesting.Just like etherealember,I would love to see the character develop and your paragraph needs a little cleaning up to do.Other than that you have a great plot and I hope to read more of your work
Happy New Years
It's a funny piece, well done! I will point out a few grammar and spelling mistakes here, but these aren't all of them:
- You have spelt I as "i" several times
- "....am I over thinking this? Whatever !" - There shouldn't be a space between a word and an exclamation mark.
- "So i guess this is bye, hun?" - I think you mean "huh"
NOTE: Try drafting your work in a word processor which will pick out spelling and grammar mistakes clearly and allow you to correct them before posting. Also read through your work from beginning to end to see if your word processor missed anything. A reviewer should not do this for you, in future you need to at least get these basics sorted before posting. It's more professional and lets your reviewers focus on the essential story elements instead of getting distracted by things a computer can fix for you.
Critique on your structure
It would help make the text more readable if you added a few more paragraphs. Add breaks where there is a natural change in direction - for example you could add a new paragraph where you say "Back to my story...." Readers often get put off by a large block of text, especially if it is all just description and no dialogue.
Dialogue is the number one sign readers can get at a glance that things are happening in the present, and not just being talked about after the events. Readers want to feel like they're there, not feel like they're hearing about the event at a later stage. You have very interesting characters that you've introduced, this brother and mother, and you're doing them a huge injustice by not letting them speak. What they say will reveal more about their character than what the narrator tells us about them. (The lack of dialogue makes sense if this is meant to be a diary entry, but I sense it's not because you address us, the readers.)
An example of how you could use dialogue to enrich your story: I'm guessing that the narrator is trying to pin this "crime" on his brother, when he thinks it's actually his own fault? Well, you could show the brother saying something perfectly innocent and then the narrator making his own, obviously twisted interpretations. If you write it this way, you could add more weight to the humour.
The story is interesting, but there doesn't seem to be much plot structure. A structure you could go for is this:
1. Question raised (how did the mysterious wet patch appear?)
2. Options explored (brother's fault? narrator made a mess but is in denial?)
3. Question answered (you decide. The best ending would be a twist that is neither of the options you have raised.)
This would make the short story feel more complete. At the moment it feels like "Chapter 1", because we the readers aren't satisfied that the story question has been answered.
You're really good at creating an interesting character here. Allow them thrive in the best possible story environment
Hi! MatiasD..
Welcome to YWS..
hahahah... I enjoyed reading your story. Even though, you said you can't stay on one topic but you know what, the flow is smooth and I think that is your style.. Nice piece..
Keep going..
ll
U
Thanks ! I'll be publishing another one soon !