Love Hurts - An Act of Courage

Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

This is Nikayla here for a review!

I see that this looks to be an edited version of the article that I happened to review earlier on in the day, so I'll try not to touch on everything that I said in my last review, but what's been added and what's new. We see that the original article is still there, but there's more content here that seems to have been added? From what I can tell there aren't really any major changes from this edit to the last if you happened to change anything in the first article or section that you have here which is unfortunate, but it does add more content to touch on. We see that you talk more about Luca in the sub-section of the section section of the article or essay. This is what I wanted to see in the first article.

I think that the article tends to drag on for awhile in that aspect and I think that's your problem with it now because you added a whole new section to it. At this point it feels more personal and that's also what I was looking for in the first article. Give us less broad statements because for the most part you could cut those out and we wouldn't really notice.

Instead of adding new sections to this, revise it and trim the places that are able to be trimmed because it'll let more of the weight of the piece off the reader's shoulders. The reader wants to get this point and hear this message without having to go digging through these large paragraphs and I think that's one of the points that I've been trying to get across. Edit and revise and naturally will this become stronger. The end of the article feels a little cheesy with the Vitamin C thing, but it works for what it is and it's an interesting metaphor you have here.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Hey, Zelda! Shey here for a review! Time to punch this thing outta the green room.

Overall, I thought this was a nice story. It was, however, very essay-like and formal. I understand its supposed to be an essay, but the formality was overwhelming. My suggestion would be use smaller, simpler words. Big words should be used sparingly, like flavoring.

My other comment was the second heading. Personally, I didn't see a need for it. It made me think you were going to have a new idea introduced, but then you just went into more detail the information stated in the preamble. Honestly, I'd just remove it altogether, seeing as it serves no purpose.

However, I do understand that there is a need for something there, to indicate a change of pace. I'd use something like "---'' or "***" or "_____" or "-=-=-=-".

That's all I've got to say. Bravo on this essay! Adieu!

-Sheyren

Hello, ZeldaIsShiek! Lupa here for a review! Let's begin...

1) "I have: and I will never forget how important courage is in our lives hence it's happening." Your punctuation choice after "have" seems a bit strange. A regular comma will work just fine in place of a colon. Also, the "hence it's happening" part seems tacked on just to use the word hence. It makes the sentence harder to understand, so I suggest taking it out.

2) Your entire piece as a whole seemed too formal. The vocabulary is great, but at some points it makes your piece clunky and difficult to read. Loosen up on your essay standards and try to make it sound more natural. Everything sounds quite forced, to be honest. It sounds like you're trying to mimic the style of the classics-writers hundreds of years ago... except this is an essay, not a classic.

3) For a few paragraphs, you just seem to be ogling Luca (whose name is quite similar to my username, by the way ). Some description is nice, but don't make it sound like you're heaping praises onto the dog.

4) The whole section after the bolded words, "An Act of Courage" seems to be too redundant. Again, the formality and the vocabulary I mentioned in number 1 is so elaborated on to the point of being ridiculous. Anyone reading this would be swamped by your metaphors and word choices.

5) Relax! I know this is an essay, but this is just so decorated I didn't feel anything you were feeling. I got distracted by all your ornaments you added that I wasn't sad when Luca left you. I didn't feel sympathy for you. I think you focused too much on making this fancy.

Your idea was great, but it lacks the true feeling that makes it something the reader can relate to. Keep working on and improving on this and always keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22

(Note: I'm very sorry if my review came across as harsh or mean. I didn't mean to make it sound like that at all. If I was harsh, send me a PM or something and feel free to tell me about it! )