Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I hurriedly walked towards my room, tears blurring my sight. I couldn’t believe that they did that. It was all I had left. How could they do such a thing?
I stopped abruptly when I saw the opened door to my parent's room. I quickly entered and slammed it shut after me; locking every edge of it.
I rubbed my eyes to stop the tears from falling as I started to look around. Tossing the things that my hand could grasp here and there, I searched for what I wanted.
Unsatisfied, I walked towards their closet and yanked it open. The clothes began to fly as I continued my search. I knew they had a gun. I knew they kept it somewhere here.
Crouching down, I reached forward and felt my hand graze a cold hard metal. I clasped my fingers around it and pull to me.
It was an old pistol; the one my grandpa had kept back from the war. I slowly sat down as knocks and shouts were heard from outside the door.
I gazed upon the weapon in my hands. I suddenly felt powerful with the feel of it.
Smiling psychotically, I imagined pointing this gun at my own mother; I imagined pulling the trigger and watching her own blood pool around her cold motionless body. But dread instantly filled me up as I thought of my sisters. I couldn’t do that to them. They are too young to lose her yet.
Fresh new tears flowed down my cheeks as I remembered everything that led to this moment, as I recall the warmth of the fire and the horror freezing my blood, as I recollect bits of papers flying straight to the air, as I flash on my mother’s words and smile as she threw the last of the papers.
“They were pieces of trash, anyway.”
Pieces of trash..
The words revolved around my head as I closed my eyes and banged it against the wall.
Trash...
No! Those were everything to me.
I wanted to yell those words at her but my voice had failed me. I collapsed, shattered on the filthy ground. I was broken. My heart was ripped out and tears were streaming down my face.
They were all that I ever had...
The locks on the door began to click softly, one by one. I squeezed my eyes tighter and placed my finger above the trigger.
“If I die,” I whispered.
My arms began to shake but the cold metal remained pressed under my chin.
“If I die,” I whispered again, and this time my voice broke. “I want to see what happens next.”
And the sound of gunshot filled the room.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Very intriguing! I like how you built up to the reveal that the character was looking for a gun. As said in another comment, I wasn't a fan of the term 'smiling psychotically' because I feel it is more something that you observe rather than admit to doing. 'Smiling' would have worked fine on its own because the idea of smiling at the thought of shooting your own mother gives the reader the impression that it's not a kind smile the character is wearing.
I was surprised that the character turned the gun on himself/herself, I thought they had got the gun to kill someone else.
I'm very curious as to what had led to this event.
Great work
Hi MaskedDreams
I like your idea and I'd like to know what would happen next.
As for the constructive criticism:
You need to be more descriptive so you can paint a picture in a reader's mind.
"I stopped abruptly when I saw the opened door to my parent's room. I quickly entered and slammed it shut after me; locking every edge of it."
My suggestion would be: "I came to a sudden stop when I saw my parents' room. I quickly entered and slammed the door behind me. I locked every bolt, clasp, and latch I could find on that door."
"Smiling psychotically, I imagined pointing this gun at my own mother; I imagined pulling the trigger and watching her own blood pool around her cold motionless body. But dread instantly filled me up as I thought of my sisters. I couldn't do that to them. They are too young to lose her yet."
Instead of saying "Smiling psychotically" You could describe it in a more expressive way so the readers can picture it in their mind: "My dry lips stretched over my teeth as I imagined pointing this gun at my mother"
Overall I like where you're going with this. It is very interesting to read.
Keep writing and have an awesome day
MaskedDreams, I don't think we've met. If you have any questions, let me know, and I will answer them! Welcome to the site!
I think, in the second paragraph, you don't need the semicolon. A comma would be perfectly fine in place of this.
"I quickly entered and slammed it shut after me; locking every edge of it."
That was all. This short story was great, and I am not specifically fond of suicide, but it was interesting. Just please explain those unexplained papers. I have no idea what they are. You know, if you were a great write a few years later, I wouldn't be surprised. Keep writing!
-wisegirl22
Hey MaskedDreams!! Stella here dropping you a review
So this was an interesting concept - you keep enough back that we're intrigued about what happens next. I would like to know as much as your main character!
I do as always have a few bits of constructive criticism:
- I wasn't a fan of the phrase "smiling psychotically". Firstly I'm not sure if psychotically is even a word and secondly I just don't think it works. Even if your character is psychotic they wouldn't use this word and secondly, what does it even mean? How does she know that's how it looks? Is there a mirror? Basically I would go with a different word.
- the second thing is a lot bigger unfortunately. It revolves around the whole concept of the piece and your usage of suicide. It's true that murder can be committed in an act of impulsive sudden anger. But suicide tends to be a lot more thoughtful. People plan it for days or weeks or months. I mean, if I were to believe this character was suicidal, I'd imagine that she had found the gun weeks ago and hidden it for this exact purpose. It would be their own closet she was searching through. Secondly, they reason that they can't kill their mother because of their sisters - wouldn't they reason that the sisters mightn't be too happy with the alternative either?
In essence I just didn't believe that this character was suicidal and obviously that poses an issue as it puts the whole piece in jeopardy because it hinges on that singularly final act. So have a think about how you can make this more convincing. Does your protagonist have an obsession with death? Have they thought this through before - or even gotten a few stages of the way through and not pulled the trigger? Have they convinced themselves that everybody - including their sisters - would be better off without them? I think do some research on some mental health website about depression and suicidal ideation and suicide and see what you find out. It's a very tricky topic to write about and I'm sure you can do it but as it currently stands I'm just not finding it very convincing.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hello, MaskedDreams1. Miss Strongwill here to give you a review.
First that is unnecessary. It just distracts the reader.
Room of which parent? Of course, being precise will work better here - using mom or dad. Unless this is a typo and the apostrophe is supposed to be after the s.
Quite a bit awkward in phrasing, too. Perhaps, "I stopped dead on tracks when I saw my parents' bedroom door left open." But that's just a suggestion.
How do you "lock every edge of it"? is she using her arms? legs? I can't imagine it. Don't tell; show.
This is one of the top things I usually mention in a review: one does not use a semicolon to separate a subordinate clause. It's a powerful punctuation and is used for two independent clauses. A comma should work fine.
You used it properly here, though, so thumbs up on that:
Tense changed. and I don't understand the last sentence. The narrator flashed what?
#800080 ">OVERALL
What to work on: The paragraphing in the first part doesn't seem right. Or maybe it's because you can flesh this thing out. There were parts that seemed too abrupt, like at the beginning, when she "walked to her room," suddenly she sees her parents' bedroom door. You can't leave it all so vague. Narrate everything that needs to be told so one doesn't raise a brow while reading your work.
Also, this felt a bit more like a prologue than a whole first chapter. It was rather short.
What I liked: The tenses were consistent (except for one part, which I've noted above, but I'm sure they were just overlooked, or you were confused while you were writing that part), and I'm happy. I like the story itself. Look like you've got a good plot. You've left enough details to leave the reader intrigued. I'd love to read the next part.
That's all for now. There wasn't much to say. You can write well, you just have to improve on fleshing out.
Oh, and before I go: welcome to Young Writer's Society, too! I'm glad you decided to join! A lot of lovely people here. I am certain that if you stayed, you'll learn a lot and become a better writer. Yes, certain.
Keep writing,
Porcey xoxo
oh, wait. it IS a prologue. gosh. haha. sorry. my bad.