Published January 7, 2012
God Does Not Make Mistakes.
No. He doesn't. I hate saying this, but I feel as if he might
I always thought that I've been a good person
Someone who plans on giving good to the world
Yet, even though all the hard work through these tough times
God reward those with faces as beautiful as the stars and moon
But theirs hearts are composed of nothing but burnt ash
Why?
I am not trying to blame God or go against Him but jus wondering
Why?
It's just that, when you've dreamt and prayed so much for something
Something where the desire of wanting and needing combines
And your mind is just ready to explode
But I'm not talking about toys, electronics, or even money
A dream
A goal you've been trying so hard to accomplish
And you just now that you want this more than anyone else
Not just want, but you deserve it
And then, you don't have it
Someone else gets it
Someone who you know does not truly want it like you do
Someone who will not take time out of their life to cherish what they've recieved
Someone who is so cruel, vile, and despicable that even...
Death is afraid to touch them
Maybe God might reward me in the futrue
When is that future?
Or am I just beign selfish?
I guess I do find fault in myself
But, I won't let it overcome me
Because,
I might mistakes
My friend might make mistakes
My parents might make mistakes
The whole world might mistakes
But
I find myself believing
God Does Not Make Mistakes
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This was interesting. When I read it, well, it feels like it's written straight from a diary. The while thing with the contradictions in your own emotions:
It feels like you've got this out of a diary. It's a huge splatter of emotions. You start of feeling like you deserve whatever it is you want but you then come to the conclusion at the end that - God Does Not Make Mistakes. The punch line. There is room for improvement. The structure is very odd. It is a little heavy sided on the first part. You seem to have a lot to say when it comes to your emotions but you don't say much about your conclusion. How did you come to the conclusion that God Does Not Make Mistakes?
I would if I were you cut back on the first half a bit. Just hold back some of the emotions, because by the time we get to the end we can see that you're emotionally tired by the time you get to the end. Pace your emotions out and bring them to the climax at the end
I do wonder if you are religious at all. I say this because this poem sounds quite similar to a lot of the Psalms of the Bible. And I wonder if they have had an influence over you in writing this. Particuallly:
If you want to you can look up Psalm 73, even if you aren't religious. That is coming from the same kind of place and has a simliar message
I do hope this review has been helpful to you
Good luck with your writing
As for actual editting, you just need to read over this a few more times. Make it flow, and fix a few typos in there. However, if you don't mind I'd like to give my thoughts on the actual content of the writing. If you do mind... well then I guess don't read it.
Anyway, I know God doesn't make mistakes. However, a lot of times it feels like He does. It feels like He's being injust or cruel, like He isn't doing the right thing. Except, we need to remember that He made us. He is so far above and beyond us that we cannot hope to understand Him and His choices. We just see a small bit, He sees the whole picture, He can read the whole novel while we only get a chapter.
Maybe in the future you will get what you hoped for. Although like you wrote, when is the future? You just have to hang in there and remember that He does know what He's doing. He has a plan, and He has reasons, even if we can't understand them.
In general, my biggest issue and block with this poem is that I don't think it's a poem. I'm not seeing metered verse, but rather sentences.
I'm also not seeing much in the way of imagery, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
However, if you don't mind me using an example of what you have, and what i think you could do with it?
You have:
A dream
A goal you've been trying so hard to accomplish
And you just now that you want this more than anyone else
Not just want, but you deserve it
And then, you don't have it
I would suggest finding a new way of putting this - as it is, it's so generic a reader can't connect. Instead, I would suggest using either a concrete example or some form of imagery, such as (forgive me my impromptu attempt!)
standing, watching from the side -
proof months of effort lost
as someone stands in the place once so coveted,
is lost.
Anyway. The big difference is that your reader has something to latch on to, to connect themselves to what your narrator is expressing. Instead of just lines of questioning and stating empty fact, there is something to relate to, and an image for readers to use to visualise the poem for themselves, rather than assuming a reader will make all the same mental leaps you do as the poet. Of course, you don't want all the same mental leaps to be made, but you do want the mental leaps to be similar enough that a reader can at least come within shouting distance of your original intent.
There's all sorts of ways to lead readers - from title to imagery to word choice to line breaks, it all works.
Good luck, and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
I like the idea here. I think you wrote it well, and in a way that's easy to understand. The questioning of religion would probably be something that a lot of people are familiar with.
I just don't really like the structure of this at all. I don't follow or feel any sort of rhythm here.
I like the recurring 'why', which is a word you've used all throughout the poem. It shows the total loss that you suddenly feel, as if you've only just begun to doubt everything and now everything seems way too scary.
The only other thing that I'd suggest would be to boost up your imagery. Use more adjectives. This feels too much like a big chunk of speech. You're just saying these things to me. A good idea would be to add in more dramatic words that equate to how you feel, just so as to make it feel more like a poem.
Overall, awesome job.
Keep on writing.
Emmzziee