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The Angel

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I flip the book close and gently place it on the table. My gaze swipes the room picking on any detail I might have missed, permanently etching it into my memory. This dwelling hasn’t been my home for long, but I like to remember the simplicity of its grey walls, the soft scent of old wood and the roughness of the stone under my feet. Soft light streams into the room from the small window across, lighting whatever few possessions still remain. An empty bookshelf parted from the colours of the books that it once held, a hard couch by the window, a chest in the corner, a table and a chair. Not much, but enough to provide for all my needs.

I slide the chair perfectly into its designated place and sigh. Without my personal artifacts foreign emptiness hangs thick in the air making this place difficult to recognize. I run my fingers along the smooth surface of the table, halting when they reach the hilt of the sword leaned against the edge. My trusted claymore, its wide, silvery blade is light in my hand as I raise it to check for imperfections. There are none, as I’ve determined many times before. But checking it brings a kind of solace, a certainty in the dependence of my sword.

Two green eyes stare back at me from the polished surface, distant with brooding contemplation. I am thinking too hard again, my forehead tense and my shoulders stiff. Relaxing, I lower my sword and try my best to ease my mind from the matters at hand. As impossible as that is.

A sigh slips my lips as I fit the blade in its sheath at my belt. It’s time. With one last glance at my current home I head for the exit. The metal plating of my boots hammers against the stone in rhythm, ceasing once I reach the door. At the handle I hesitate a short moment then pull it open and walk out into the blinding sunlight.

It takes a moment to adjust and I need to raise a hand to shield my eyes from the angry glare. Once my vision clears, vast grasslands emerge before me. My house lies on the fringe, right where the low buildings melt into the endless green. Green that is now the colour of the sun, spreading across the horizon like a sea of gold.

At first this change was seen as an omen though of what no one could provide an answer. Not the historians, not the celestial diviners, and most certainly not the common warriors. In the end, the fact our evergreen fields turned yellow for the very first time in their known existence was brushed aside with a cheerful:”Have you seen the fields today? Aren’t they such a lovely shade of gold?”

Narrow streets press around me as I navigate across my gray town. Gray after the roofs of its uniform white houses. Only the central mansion towers above the sea of grey tile, its bronze roofs reflecting the sun so horridly I’m certain its only purpose is to torture the eyes of passers-by.Today too, like a second sun the enclosure of the central palace shines across the townscape. Magnificent though silent, not a single soul strolling its corridors. It never found a new dweller, remaining only an empty monument of past glory.

The town itself seems abandoned today, the usually crowded alleys vacant and the gardens barren. Silence slithers down the central street, imposing its stillness upon every corner. In the distance, I sometimes see lone silhouettes pass by, vanishing as phantoms by the time I reach them.

My steps alone echo when I walk across the gardens. Lush and green, and still, not even the wind daring to break their silence. The tall white arches of the shrine near. A simple structure, smooth white columns and not much else but greenery beyond. I pass through and the beam of light emerges, invisible from the outside, the beam extends up into the heavens.

Another warrior enters the inner shrine, his armour of the purest silver. A common mage from the eagle order, or so the twin eagles on his chest piece and the markings on the blue-white cape on his shoulder betray. He nods when our eyes meet, and without slowing walks into the golden light.

I make haste after, shutting my eyes as I sink into the light. I feel the shift, though it is momentary, and when my eyes snap open once again, I stand in the centre of a different garden. The trees are taller here, and the arches much wider, as I hurry after the mage. I trail him until the next intersection where he splits off, heading for the misty shape of the Citadel of Light.

The fortress hovers roughly in the centre of the Gate City, still grander than anything I have seen through my existence. It is not here, in reality, what I see is a mere projection, or a portal for those welcome on its grounds. The real Citadel is an entire layer huddled somewhere in the core levels of Heaven.

Out of the four streets branching from the central Fountain, I take the far right. It veers off into the city, cutting straight across the Knowledge district where all the temples, libraries and courts lie. A true collection of the most impressive stone structures, unique and magnificent and just the same as their mirror images in all the other Gate Cities.

The glare of the sun blinds me again when I turn the corner. Judging by its angle, I am late. My steps hasten as much as my heavy, hard boots would allow, which is still enough to send the angel coming from around the corner flying back. He bounces off my chest piece and tumbles to the ground in a heap of robes, books and curses. I try to offer him my aid, but his piercing blue eyes burn holes into me as he springs back standing.

“You should watch where you’re going.” he hisses, but his threat fails miserably on the account of his height, his light brown head barely comes up to my shoulder.

The light blue colour of his robe mark him as a negotiator, a civil servant, and I wonder what accounts of conflicts, resolved or stirred, hide in the books he is now vigorously piling back together. He ranks higher, and so I wait until he finally straightens, and cradling the books in his arms gives me one last withering glare before hurrying down the street.

I turn the other way, and continue towards my destination. It isn’t far now, I can see the opening of the square up ahead. In its middle stands the temple, a massive building of smooth stone with its four towers and triangular roof reaching up for the sun. The large metal gates are closed now, and as I ascend the stairs I spy no way to open them.

Up close I inspect them once more before knocking. With a screech, they open, wide enough for a thin angel to stick her face out. A pair of light brown eyes study me, her lips bunched into a dot.

“You’re late.” she says in the end.

“Not really.” I answer, glancing at the sky. If my estimation is correct, I am on time though barely.

She rolls her eyes and pushes the wing open so that I can enter. I slip in and follow her as she creeps along the hallway. Rows of warriors already line the inner chamber, perfectly aligned alongside each other. I feel the glances as I make my way across, though no one moves nor says a thing. In the middle of the chamber, stands a platform and on it now is a table rather than a podium, parchments and maps lying scattered across it. Two figures tower over the papers, and between them, in an elaborate and cushioned chair, sits the Archangel.

Menael.

My gaze lingers on him as I take my place among the front row. He doesn’t seem to notice my arrival, absorbed in something in the scroll in front of him. The Archangel huffs and shifts the parchment until it suits his fancy, then let’s it roll closed and reaches for another.

I don’t let my frown show, it should have been Cathatel in that chair, not him. Yet by a logic mysterious to me, he has been put in charge of the city defences. And for reasons even more unfathomable, I have been assigned to his guard.

Silence is heavy in the air, broken occasionally by the sound of shifting paper. We stand tall and straight in our formation, waiting for his word. In the distance the gates creak open once again and a set of footsteps follows as another angel joins the lines.

I glance at the Archangel again and this time he meets my eyes. He knows that I am here, I note a hint of annoyance in his gaze before I break the contact. The short encounter has given me everything I needed. Right and wrong, justice and corruption, I have been conflicted over the true reality of things for far too long.

But no more.

Just one look into his eyes and I know the decision I must make.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
fukase
Review
fukase wrote a review · Sat Dec 19, 2015 2:19 pm

Hi

Too many questions are bad, you know? Although, I'm in love with your new style, perhaps. Everything is pretty elaborated, but the cliffhanger parts. The details and images are quite captivating, but the question is, can you keep up with this? A drastic change in style of writing is bad for readers. You might want to be a same, consistent narrator throughout the story. That choice is pretty okay. What I noticed is, I just being dazzled by this drastic change in the beginning of the story till the end of this chapter. I am a little nitpicky in the mood of the stories I read. I'm very nitpicky about punctuation, so pardon me for being like that.

Let's begin with the beginning, shall we?

The first sentence is a bit awkward. You might want to consider on using simpler term in "I flip the book close..." I found it bad especially because this is the first sentence that opened your story. Some said that the first sentence of a book explains the whole book, and the first word explains the first sentence, and so forth. Be more captivating in the beginning because it is an important process to hook up your readers. Your descriptions might be your hooker, but I prefer the simplicity in the beginning. Don't burden your readers till the rising part. Like a roller coaster, it starts slow and then you-know-what. And by the way, you left a comma in the second sentence. Read it again, you'll notice it.

And then, you advanced the story with some sighing and calming words. I really dislike the "sighing" parts. I just know I have to hate it. You are telling... I can't accept it like that. I can't really pronounce the word, sigh, but you can show me right? Don't just say, the MC slides the chair and sigh. I want more emotional words to explain the sighing parts, 'kay? Add the "emo"... but not to much. It is like putting salts. Yet, you missed a comma in the second sentence in the second paragraph... Look closer.

Nice job guiding us outside: it provokes my imagery. But before that, you wrote about this claymore-sword thing. It is okay, but I don't really get about this "checking for imperfection" thing. I find it quite weird and awkward. However, I know what you mean, I see this "scene" many times in some animations. Just gonna point out that you used too awkward words to do this. Change it a little. The checking part is good, and don't think you made it good enough. Back on the "outside" thing, the thing I loved is you provided us the colors. Lovely. But I don't really understand on the "grass into gold and green sun" thing. It is highly confusing matter to me:

Green that is now the colour of the sun, spreading across the horizon like a sea of gold.

By the way, the above excerpt is, for me, a fragment. You can remove the "that" and just direct to the point and whatever suits you.

Only the central mansion towers above the sea of grey tile, its bronze roofs reflecting the sun so horridly I’m certain its only purpose is to torture the eyes of passers-by.

And this is a run-on sentence. The below article, for me, is to explain what is a "run-on sentence". Hope you can avoid this, although this is actually a really small, annoying mistake that we, writers, often made: Run-on Sentences

And...what's next? Oh, the encountered with the mage. So now, I'm getting images on what this world inside this story might be. I kinda love fantasy... Never mind my rant. You decorated the world finely. Nothing is over-the-limit yet. By the way, the teleportation isn't really clear. You might want to be blunt with that. It can bring some confusion. Clarify. And plus, I don't really get why you mentioned "the trees are taller here" part. I don't really think that is quite realistic and relevant.

Then the story went faster and ended with a cliffhanger. I won't dwell on the latter part because I don't think there are parts worth mentioning. Overall, please, clarify the narrator...or what we called as main character. The way you explained it sounds like it is a woman, but with all the swords and chest piece, I don't think it is a woman. It looks more like a man. Just explain a little. Give a hint to your readers about whoever is this person speaking to me.

I think that is it. You could read the below articles from YWS to help you more, if you don't read it yet:

Getting Beginnings Right
To prologue or not to prologue
5 Tips for Realistic Characters

And some articles about descriptions you didn't really use that I'd wish you would use:

Do you smell that?
Do You Smell That? #2

And a little flower... ^^

Image

Keep writing!

~Memo

Thank you for the review. Though I think you misunderstood. I don't drastically change style in a story, I am trying a new style in a new story so no jarring shifts. Either way, thank you for reading.

I know I omitted something in my review. I meant, drastic change in the beginning and the end of this chapter. I feel they are way too different. Try to be more consistent. I just feel it. And you're welcomed.

Why are they different? What about them differs?

Don't worry (fret) too much. It is simply my poet feeling. This thing couldn't be explained easily. Write the rest of this first. Tag me if you can. ^__^__^

User avatar
burninhell
Review

Oh my gosh! This was amazing! I love it! Wow. Just wow!
Hi by the way.

As you can probably tell I loved this. I may or may not have read it like three times already. Your use of imagery is amazing, it's so easy to picture everything that's going on here. Your style of writing is incredible and your story has me wanting to read more right now.

There are so many questions in my mind about the main protagonist. Like why is she guarding an Archangel? What sort of angel action is going to take place later on in your story? And what is the decision that she has to make? That cliffhanger is a real page turner.

The only thing that I did pick up on while reading through this was a couple of typos.
'A sight slips my lips'
I think this should have been a sigh for example?

But other than that I thought this piece was flawless. You're a seriously incredible writer. Please let me know when you've posted more. :)
Burninhell

Thank you for the warm review. Yeah there are probably quite a bit of typos I rushed it a bit. I'm revamping it so I wanted to know if the new style works.
Thank you again, and I'm happy you liked it.



My tongue must tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart, concealing it, will break...
— Katherine, The Taming of the Shrew