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Short stories / the nightmare that won’t stop / could be a part 2

by Martinmonaghan


I lay sill as untouched water staring at the roof above me , following the cracks as they deepen into the the roof , the four walls around me look down at me , closing in on me and I feel the heat of my breath increase like steam poring out of a pot . the pressure of the room pushes its self against my whole body , the room starts to close in and I feel my heart pound in my head like an alarm telling me what’s happening , my breath turns ice cold with fear bleeding from my tongue I feel the walls pressing agianst the hairs on my arms sending shivers Across my whole body giving me goosebumps on the inside of my skin . Suddenly there’s a change in the attomsphere the floor roars and growls Beneath me almost as If it’s opening up.

I’m falling , so slowly like the gravity itself has gone . No noise just silent slow painful falling for what feels like hours but I don’t resist I just the world take my body .

My back hits something hard but it didn’t stop it falls through it . Water , it grabs my body and pushes me deep below it’s surface until there no light in my eye sight just darkness , the water possesses my lungs stealing the air from within the my body retaliates fight for its life kicking every part of me to pull myself to the surface but I’m not moving no matter how hard I kick or swim my body stays ,the water is in my veins replacing the blood with water itself passing in and out my organs drowning the inside of my entire body, I stop kicking and trying I lay there until I breathe my final bubble of oxygen and my eyes close and the darkness remains .

I jump out of my skin lifting my body from my deep soaked mattress I jump from my bed and rip my entire outfit of cloths off my body , my skin is on fire like iv been burnt alive , I stand there naked and let the sweat from my body drip onto the carpet , I gain control of my breath and the sweat suddenly turns ice cold on my skin I run to the bathroom and run the rusty half working shower until the water turns warm , the shower never gets hot its either cold or warm wells that’s when we have heating . I had another one of my nightmares, the doctors told my to get a therapist but they just told my it’s my nightmares so I don’t know exactly what they are but is the same every night , my mum has got used to it but I’m glad because she only Makes me panic with her crying voice to wake up to every night ,“ Liam please , WAKE UP !! “ she would shout out with her smoked out lungs but it’s not her fault she only cares I guess I would be the same if I was her but I’m not , I’m the one having the nightmares the lucky cow


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68 Reviews


Points: 186
Reviews: 68

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Sat Apr 25, 2020 2:18 pm
Anamel wrote a review...



The format is blocky so I suggest separating it as well as using fewer commas and not putting random spaces in between. You also have a lot of run-on sentences that need to be separated, such as this one: " Water , it grabs my body and pushes me deep below it’s surface until there no light in my eye sight just darkness , the water possesses my lungs stealing the air from within the my body retaliates fight for its life kicking every part of me to pull myself to the surface but I’m not moving no matter how hard I kick or swim my body stays...", this is the one that goes on for the rest of the paragraph until the end in the middle of your story.

"I jump out of my skin lifting my body from my deep soaked mattress I jump from my bed and rip my entire outfit of cloths off my body , my skin is on fire like iv been burnt alive , I stand there naked and let the sweat from my body drip onto the carpet , I gain control of my breath and the sweat suddenly turns ice cold on my skin I run to the bathroom and run the rusty half working shower until the water turns warm , the shower never gets hot its either cold or warm wells that’s when we have heating ."

You also have a tendency to repeat the words you just used, such as 'jump' twice in the first sentence and 'run' twice. It's pretty incoherent and almost comes off as rambling so putting format and structure in your story is very important.

" I’m the one having the nightmares the lucky cow"
The ending you have is humorous and makes me want to laugh rather than think this is a horror story. If that's your intention then you did well, but if you actually want it to sound scary you'll probably have to use something different.




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174 Reviews


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Thu Apr 23, 2020 8:11 pm
JesseWrites wrote a review...



Jesse here to review, so i am going to hop in.

"attomsphere" to atmosphere.

"Beneath" shouldn't be capitalized.

"sill" to still.

"silent slow painful" commas in between the words needed.

"Liam please, WAKE UP" Some sentences like this have spaces before and after a comm, which one is only needed.

" Makes" no need to capitalize if in the middle.

" I’m the one having the nightmares the lucky cow" I'm unsure of the meaning.

I recommend to proofread after writing to eliminate these errors.

Thanks,
Jesse





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