The format is blocky so I suggest separating it as well as using fewer commas and not putting random spaces in between. You also have a lot of run-on sentences that need to be separated, such as this one: " Water , it grabs my body and pushes me deep below it’s surface until there no light in my eye sight just darkness , the water possesses my lungs stealing the air from within the my body retaliates fight for its life kicking every part of me to pull myself to the surface but I’m not moving no matter how hard I kick or swim my body stays...", this is the one that goes on for the rest of the paragraph until the end in the middle of your story.
"I jump out of my skin lifting my body from my deep soaked mattress I jump from my bed and rip my entire outfit of cloths off my body , my skin is on fire like iv been burnt alive , I stand there naked and let the sweat from my body drip onto the carpet , I gain control of my breath and the sweat suddenly turns ice cold on my skin I run to the bathroom and run the rusty half working shower until the water turns warm , the shower never gets hot its either cold or warm wells that’s when we have heating ."
You also have a tendency to repeat the words you just used, such as 'jump' twice in the first sentence and 'run' twice. It's pretty incoherent and almost comes off as rambling so putting format and structure in your story is very important.
" I’m the one having the nightmares the lucky cow"
The ending you have is humorous and makes me want to laugh rather than think this is a horror story. If that's your intention then you did well, but if you actually want it to sound scary you'll probably have to use something different.
Points: 14
Reviews: 85
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