Wings

I really like this story. Its very cleverly written. I think that when you reveal that she can fly, it should be after she does it, near the end. Then it wouldn't sound very strange when you introduce it. I would also change Emily's line to quotes, It seems a bit weird to see that in a story.
Keep up the good work
~Zakku Alpha

I'm sorry if my review isn't -quite- as detailed as the ones above. I have to say, I really liked it. I liked the transition from school saga to kinda sorta fantasy. Is Linda an angel, then, or can she just fly? Either way, it was an intriguing. Are you going to continue with it?

Thanks a lot, guys. All the reviews are really helpful!
Umm...I deleted the part that corresponds to the title. So I need a new one. But I have no ideas...*nudge nudge wink wink*
Haha, I'll think of something.

Oh my god. I'm in love with the last line...you know:

"I caught some on my tongue like snowflakes; by the time they’d melted, I was in love."

That was just amazing. I love how the detail was Everyone edited, i just thought i would give you my opinion, i really really really really liked it. I'm kind of disappointed i didn't get to edit anything. I actually think i will make that my little thing at the bottom of my message, you know, | lol i loved it, pleaseee keep writing it. I want to hear MORE!!
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kissthewitch wrote:A Softer World contest #3

Everything Sparkles
When I was in high school, I had a friend named Linda. I always used to imagine what it’d be like if Linda wound up with me.

While other boys were playing Little League, I was trying to get her to notice me.

I think she was my first love.

Linda had brown eyes and yellow hair. Not filled with highlights, not like the way blonde gets on old people, but more of a bright, shiny yellow, like the pasta on a box of Kraft macaroni. Real golden yellow.

She sat in front of me junior year in Physics, and all I ever saw of her was the back of her head. Once, I dropped my pencil, and she picked it up, and smiled at me.

Linda's smile was pure magic.

Eventually she figured out that I liked her smile and started talking to me. The first time we spoke she was careful to keep her lips zipped together as much as possible. I guess she wanted to make sure I was really in it for her.

When her mouth was closed, though, I found other things on her to stare at. She had these freckles that stained her cheeks completely brown on top, and a nose so tiny I wondered how anyone could possibly breathe through it.

Linda told me how she had lived in Chicago. About the homeless men who slept in boxes, even during winter when it was below zero. "Everyone thought they were evil, because they were everywhere, like AIDS, which is certainly evil," she had said. She told me about snow, and how in winter everything sparkled. "Lights," she had said. "Millions and billions of them, so bright they kept me up nights."

But I think what made me really like Linda was that she could fly.

I saw her do it once.

Emily Johnson was standing in the hallway with her flock of sheep, not real sheep, they were girls, I mean, and Linda walked by, quickly, making sure to stick to the other side of the hallway. She was always good about following the rules. Kids like us weren’t supposed to look at kids like them. They were just too sparkling clean, and I guess their parents were afraid that we’d get them dirty.

Emily Johnson: Nice dress.

Linda stopped dead in her tracks.

Emily Johnson: Not.

Linda’s face turned a color that sped past roses and wound up somewhere in the vicinity of a stop sign. She almost ran down the hallway.

I saw the whole thing, and I followed her to make sure she was okay. I had no intention of talking to her-this was years before Physics-I just wanted to be there so that she could look someone in the eye if she wanted.

She turned a corner out into the schoolyard and when I turned the same corner she was gone. I didn’t notice it, at first, but there she was, on the roof, turning loop-de-loops.

It was weird, sure, but I didn't mind. The longer I watched, the more mundane it became. She started out with loop-de-loops and then she made circles and then she flew straight up and back down again a few times. The most exciting part was when she stopped.

Then she sat on the ledge of the roof and tears streamed down her face, or maybe they were streaming the whole time and I just couldn’t see it when the flight wind was whipping at her. But when the tears reached the end of her nose they didn’t plop off; they sort of floated in the air around her until she scooped them away with her hand.

I don’t think she saw me because she tossed a handful of them at me. I caught some on my tongue like snowflakes; by the time they’d melted, I was in love.

The promised critique:

Nit-Picks

When I was in high school, I had a friend named Linda. I always used to imagine what it’d be like if Linda wound up with me.

Eventually she figured out that I liked her smile and started talking to me. The first time we spoke she was careful to keep her lips zipped together as much as possible. I guess she wanted to make sure I was really in it for her.

Wow, wizzy, this was an amazing improvement!! *gold star*
I'm glad you found my review helpful, and please do PM me if you decide to continue this - I will a loyal fan
Also, if you would like me to review anything else (which I'd be happy to) PM me, or click the link below!!
Great job, wizzy (:
--Lucyy xx

Eventually she figured out that I liked her smile and started talking to me

"Everyone thought they were evil, because they were everywhere, like AIDS, which is certainly evil," she had said.

Emily Johnson was standing in the hallway with her flock of sheep, not real sheep, they were girls, I mean, and Linda walked by, quickly, making sure to stick to the other side of the hallway.

Heyy there kissthewitch (do you mind if I call you wizzy? =P), I am here for the review you requested, and I hope it's helpful to you =D

kissthewitch wrote:Everything Sparkles

Linda had brown eyes and yellow hair. Not filled with highlights, not like the way blonde gets on old people, but more of a bright, shiny yellow, like the pasta on a box of Kraft macaroni. Real golden yellow.[Nice description, but could you maybe open this in some other way that doesn't involve a description? The MC's feelings towards her followed by her description would maybe be better?]

She sat in front of me junior year in Physics. When I dropped my pencil she handed it back to me and smiled.

Linda's smile was pure magic.[Nice emphasis on the sentence =D]

Eventually she figured out that I liked her and started talking to me. When her mouth was closed,[delete comma] though, I found other things to stare at: the line of freckles across a nose so tiny I wondered how anyone could possibly breathe through it.

[s]She[/s] Linda told me how she had lived in Chicago,[full-stop] About the homeless men who slept in boxes[comma] even during winter when it was below zero. "Everyone thought they were evil, because they were everywhere, like AIDS, which is certainly evil," she had [as your MC's talking about past conversations] said. She told me about snow, and how in winter everything sparkled. "Lights," she said. "Millions and billions of them, so bright they kept me up at night[s]s[/s]."

But I think what made me really like Linda was that she could fly.

I saw her do it once.[comma]

[Delete NP]she was upset, and I followed her to make sure she was okay[why was she upset? What had happened, or didn't your MC know? You need to make this clearer]. I had no intention of talking to her--[never use a double hyphen!! Just one will do (: ]this was years before Physics--and I just wanted to be there so that she could look someone in the eye if she wanted.

She turned a corner out into the schoolyard and when I turned the same corner she was gone. I didn’t notice it, at first, but there she was, on the roof, turning loop-de-loops.

It was weird, sure, but I didn't mind. The longer I watched, the more mundane it became. She started out with loop-de-loops and then she made circles and then she flew straight up and back down again a few times. The most exciting part was when she stopped.

Then she sat on the ledge of the roof and tears streamed down her face, or maybe they were streaming the whole time and I just couldn’t see it when the flight wind was whipping at her [this doesn't quite make sense - try rephrasing]. But when the tears reached the end of her nose they didn’t plop off; they sort of floated in the air around her until she scooped them away with her hand.

I don’t think she saw me because she tossed a handful of them at me. I caught some on my tongue like snowflakes; by the time they’d melted, I was in love[way to end it!! Awesome stuff =D].

Thanks for the critique--after reading it again I get exactly what you're saying. I pretty much cut out the entire first half.

When Linda was twelve, her parents died in a fire in Chicago. The firemen said it was caused

by a toaster that shorted out.

Linda packed a suitcase with the only thing that hadn't been destroyed, which was a baseball

signed by Mark McGwire. Then she moved here to Santa Fe, where she lived with her uncle and

cousin. Their names were Samuel and Miranda, but everyone called him Sammie, because his

wide grin made him look like a puppy.

Linda had brown eyes and yellow hair. Not filled with highlights, not like the way blonde

gets on old people, but more like a bright, shiny yellow, like the pasta on a box of Kraft

macaroni. Real golden yellow.

She told me about her parents, about how when they died she cried so hard it hurt under her

ribcage. She cried for them, for herself, for all the time she had spent with the people who

knew her best.