Love.
Some say it is the greatest of all treasure
Some say it clouds the mind, dulls the wits
Some say love is a tender, warm thing
And then some say it is a bottomless pit
When one falls in love
It seems nothing he does is wrong
He lays around all day, and all night
Thinking about the one whom he belongs
The days turn to weeks, weeks to months
The once strong love is now breaking
Like a rope taken to much strain
Tendrils snapping, always aching
Then one day the rope is no more
And everything seems dark and confusing
When 2 have become 1, and 1 becomes whole
It seems that all you are left with deserves abusing
It leaves seemingly as fast as it arrives
Leaving chaos and madness in its wake
Carving a path through the lives of the unfortunates
Then splitting it like a knife through a cake
The days turn to weeks, weeks to months
The once strong love now broken
He starts to wonder if life is worth living
Whether he will ever be awoken
Then love comes again
Like being slapped in the face by a glove
Making him forget all about previous despair
Thus is the magic, the pains, and the beauty of Love.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Fantastic. You really show to us the reality of how love feels when it is not time for you to love. Definitely, if you are not destined to that person, love can be so cruel and lets you think that you will end your life. Teenagers feel that and there are lots of suicide cases wherein teens are usually involve.
In the structure of your poem, the possibility of your poem that it can be predicted is so high. That's why try to make an introduction of the poem that the end can't be anticipated or even the flow of it.
As a general view, I like the way you describe what love is and it really reflects the sad truth behind love. Good job.
Hey Marzzi,
I'm only going to critique your first stanza, because I read that and scanned the rest in disappointment. The first one is so passive, so overdone, so detached and cold and abstract and vague, that it's barely like you even tried to uncover what love is at all. "Some people" think blah blah -- so what? I don't really care what some people think, I care what you think. I care about how you might approach this originally, creatively, to come up with something fresh that I can enjoy. But this is predictable and bland.
I'm glad you've chosen to try your hand at poetry. But please, please, don't write a poem about love and just churn out the same old things that everyone has already said a thousand million times before.
Hello. Guess what? you get my 99th review.
<- this is my elephant he is my review companion. 
Anyway, so here is my review.
Where you have said treasure, it would probably make more sense in your poem to use the plural form (treasures).
I like the opening stanza, (we know that the topic is love), and the stanza helps the poem in stating some opinions we humans hold - and the pattern is nice in that you alternate between the positives and the negatives.
The way you have stated this is poetic, and dramatic, but it also implies that the rules of love are to lay around all day and think of the one that he belongs to. I think that you could add a "can" or a "could easily" - or something of the sort into the third line of this stanza, so as not to trap the reader into thinking it as obligation.
I think that you should include an object to whom he belongs here, as at the current moment, it makes little sense, and has less of an impact on the reader. (The one to whom he belongs).
This stanza is very interesting, but it also makes me question, "why is the love breaking?", "what creates the heavier strain on the rope?", "is it obligation and necessity that all love must diminish after weeks of flourishing?". Questions can be good, but I think it would also be beneficial to address some of those questions, as to make the poem more whole, and give it more of a storyline to greater affect the reader.
I particularly like these two fist lines of the stanza, they are interesting, to the point, and dramatic.
Here, I agree with The Jesseble, and thoroughly recommend you spell each letter, opposed to typing them numerically. Having numbers written as digits takes away a bit from the poem.
Also, I want to address the second part to this line. To begin the line, you have stated that two become one, which therefore brings the reader to believe the person is incomplete without the other - and then you continue to say that one becomes whole. The problem with this is that it is a little confusing as that second part leads me to believe the Main Character is completely healed instantly. I recommend changing the second part to something more like: "and one becomes incomplete".
I like this line, it brings sadness and anger into the poem.
I like these stanzas, and think that the reinforcement of the loss brings a sense of sadness and finality to the lost love.
I like this last stanza, however (in my opinion), the simile of being slapped in the face by a glove almost brings an element of pain to the final happy ending, however I can clearly see why you chose it as it brings a sense of surprise and awareness.
You wrote a pretty good poem, keep writing!!
~Mo.
Hey there!
Splendid job! XD
I loved how you described Love at first, then the point when love seemed to fade, then appear again.
Nice! you closed it well *claps*
Keep writing! XD
-KAT <3
Hey Marrzi!
Wonderful! I really enjoyed this. It is an overused topic but it was well written. What you are talking about is so true! You write with so much compassion and thought that it really shows in your words. Excellently written with good choice of words but an average flow. It is best that you use common punctuation i.e. full stops, commas etc and the end of each sentence gives the poem more flow. Other than that, fantastic poem!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Hey Marrzi,
I found this poem a bit plain, to be honest. It reads like a overly long and pretty basic description of love, using images that are either cliche or close to it (the "two become one", "knife through a cake", "forget all about previous despair", to quote just the main ones) and not enough of a story or a message.
The first stanza is pretty weak, since it's four lines of "people perceive love differently" that bring absolutely nothing aside from that very common and simple notion.
The second one has pretty iffy flow, and "Thinking about the one whom he belongs" is missing a word: either "with whom" or "whom he belongs to".
Should be "Like a rope that has taken too much strain". Also, "the once strong love" sounds clunky.
"It leaves seemingly as fast as it arrives": why "seemingly"? Unecessary. Remove.
The ending falls flat as well. No sudden insight, no destination worth reaching.
Try reworking this poem; it needs to be explored in depth, when you've only just grazed a surface that's been utilized by taller.
Hey there and welcome!
This is a wonderful poem. I enjoyed reading it with its refreshing rhymes and concise language. A good poem is one that keeps the reader engaged and this poem does that very well.
The opening stanza stands as an introduction...showing the reader all the different points of the argument. I like that approach as it gives the idea that the poem will round off with a nice conclusion, which it does.
The second stanza needs a bit of tuning up.
I'm not sure whether you should make it sound so indefinite. Maybe cut out the 'It seems'? Of course, it works well enough with it in as it gives a hint of prolepsis...hinting at how this person is very foolish at feeling this way.
I love the third stanza...it's definitely my favourite part. The rope is a lovely metaphor and its so true!
Speeling Misstak in this line, however, which I've corrected here.
I like the use of the last line with the physical vocab. Makes it all sound very painful gov!
I'm not too sure about the opening of the fourth stanza. Have another look at it and try and work out an alternative. Look into words that rhyme with 'whole'. I'd suggest 'toll' or maybe 'soul'? I guess that 'soul' will be a little too melodramatic...but that's up to you, o' course.
Try not to use digits. My tutors at uni go bonkers if you use digits in any literature based work! It's a little strange, but try to always use 'one' and 'two', unless you are writing a date - as it gets annoying when you have to write 'nineteen seventy two'. The last line in this stanza is a bit heavy...I think that it's because there are too many stressed syllables and it's a bit staccato.
The fifth stanza is fine. I love the use of cake! Oh and 'unfortunate' is a singular here.
The sixth stanza is lovely and dramatic. It's the climax...leading up to...
....the wonderful closing stanza with your fabulous closing line.
Overall, this is a great poem. A wonderful start to your YWS career, methinks.
Happy reviewing sunday!
-TJ-
Hi Marrzi, CaptianRandom here.
i loved this poem, the truth, the reality, the depth, the..... everything. it was great length for what you are writing about and great spacing of words. i loved it but i think maybe it was a little to long now that i think about it, but great 8/10.
-CaptianRandom
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
I think love is a wide topic and you kind of chose the predictable normal route that I see over and over. Like the beginning, when you started off with
There is no wow factor, though it's well written, it's nothing different because I've seen this before. The same mood continues all through out the poem. It's not completely bad because there is some great use of imagery and metaphors.
Keep writing and I'm looking forward to seeing more work by you
This was so... awesome. That's literally the best word to decribe this. I really loved all of the contradictions! I like how it starts with one simple word and then ends with the same word, capitalized. This was really unique (: I think it's my favorite poem ever... no joke.