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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Prove You Exist

by Markus117


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

                                                            PROVE YOU EXIST

                                            (If you have better title please suggest me.)

A dark figure approached our cell we were sitting thinking what will happen to us will we die on this planet will we fail to accomplish of saving what belonged to us. Will I die without seeing her smile again? Will we fail to save the place we once called home?

He entered our cell walked and stood in the middle of the cell, he removed his cloak only to reveal himself as a giant phantom. He spoke in his loud and heavy voice “I am Grinder I am here to listen to your story Mr. Alex Walker and if I believe it is enough to save you from your death sentence I will let you and your mate Mr. Jared Black, walk out of this cell and prison alive and then you’ll be able to go and save your friends. “Where should I begin from?” I asked. “From the origin of all this ruckus.” He said.

PROLOGUE

In year 2110 humans were on a blink of extinction it all began due the advancement of technology and the hunger of humans for more.

2050 marked the advancement of technology on earth , we had built massive starships to reach the farthest end of our galaxy , we found life forms in different solar systems, established relations with them, technology was booming at its fullest when we established trade routes with different species around the galaxy due to which new technology came into existence with foreign substance we were able to build bullets that can pierce a body but will kill it when commanded to, we made augmentation for handicapped people so they can live a normal human life, we were able cure almost every disease humans knew about, military had suits that increased there humane capabilities a 1000 times making them nearly invincible,, we learned to harness energy directly from the sun making less use of fossil fuel which were at a blink of extinction we went green on global scale, we turned barren land and deserts into beautiful green forest, we planted alien plants too which made excellent fuel for running vehicles, in next 15 years earth was again green , without any traces of global warming, we were successful to establish human colonies on various moons and planets in and out of our solar system. In the next five years we were able to solve the equation of general relativity, then we were able to travel to galaxies, humans knew how bend space and time, we found life forms in different galaxies and establish relations with them, in the next fifteen years technology was far improved, we created artificial intelligence who thought, looked and felt same as the human beings in the next five years androids were walking between normal humans and at last the ultimate success for humans was when they gave androids the capability to reproduce.

But as we know or it is being told every good things comes with a toll. We had ours, crime on earth spiked dramatically it was off the charts people stole government technology to commit crime society collapsed, this was not the end android thought humans as inferiors and they tried to overpower them. This was unacceptable by us (humans), on twentieth July, twenty eighty seven a universal committee was called to discuss the future of androids, during the conference a company called ZORK put an idea on table which was their technology called Humanoids, when further explained this project involved the creations of humanoid soldiers who can shape shift in what they wish immune to all the electrical and plasma weapons but have the capability to kill when commanded these humanoid soldiers were taller than a 5 story building but were shape shifted in the size of humans. The universal committee established a secret site to engineer and develop these humanoids. For next five years crime rates around the globe were down to zero, we thanked these humanoids.

Again something happened this time it happened for the worst. ZORK the developers of humanoid robots had put a technology in their humanoid to learn but due to government’s restriction it was deactivated but the module was in the humanoids as a failsafe. In 2095 one of the CEO of ZORK who belonged to the Grey species initiated the failsafe because his comb wanted to rule humans after initiating the failsafe the humanoids learned to live and in the bitter end after all their learning they became superior to all the life forms around the galaxies knowing all the secrets of all the species including humans and their weakness these humanoid in the hunger of ruling the universe started their own mass production and started to suppress all the life form and those who denied were wiped out from the face of universe. The first to be wiped out were the Greys then came all the other species. Then were the android colonies on earth and around universe it took humanoid less than five days to do this. Last counted out of a 1000 species only 10 remained or existed the humanoids became a threat for all the remaining species. Out of 10, 6 went into hiding in deep space and never returned, the rest build their place of hiding deep in earth or build themselves place where humanoids couldn’t reach them. Humanoid had become mass murderers they had wiped all the colonies of humans in the sole system accept earth. Then the unthinkable happened, a search party was sent in secret to find any reaming survivor on human colonies of Titan the moon of Saturn when they searched in the logs they found the darkest and a life threatening truth for the humans, they found that the humanoids needed human body as a fuel and as food to survive the search party never returned after their last transmission telling the truth. The government thought that they were killed by the humanoids on Titan. After this news there was a shock in the human society after a week there were massive rebels against the humanoids, but nothing made a difference all the weapon were of no use against the humanoids they were far superior then humans plus there shape shifting capabilities enabled them to kill humans by looking one of them in the next coming weeks humans made a huge box in the north pole the construction was protected by machines and humans, to make the construction successful many lives were lost, the box was built within a month thanks to the technology and the hard work of the construction team. The box was black as graphite but inside were more three small boxes this was created to protect the humans from the humanoids all the humans went into hiding in the large cubical box called the Box of Life. The box had all the basic amenities for the survival of humans later the box had factories that built transportation vehicles and all kind of electrical goods. There three boxes inside only the largest box was black but the other two boxes inside were transparent. the large box was named as Hoax the first box, it had a side of 100 km, Martin the second box smaller than Hoax, it had a side of 50km and Lucifer the third box the smallest, it had a side equal to 25km, but in that box sat the council of Box of life who worked as a democratic government the box was made in such a way that the top was transparent as glass but was 10 times harder than diamond the walls of inner boxes were also made of this material so we could see the sky and the planets and the stars and all the debris of spaceships in the sky the outer box was so high that the humanoids couldn’t climb it and their weapons didn’t work on the box’s walls the mystery of what the material they used to build the box was never revealed and is still unknown . The boxes were immune to the attacks of humanoids as they needed a human DNA to unlock the box which they didn’t have. When counted all the humans who made it inside the box were not even the one fourth population of humans about a month ago. There were constant discussion to take the earth back, but humans never had the technology to kill a single humanoid as all the weapons that existed couldn’t lay a scratch on the humanoids. So there were two regiments created inside the box the first were the HUNTERS who went outside the box in search of a way to defeat the humanoids, the second were the Mavericks who were to maintain the security and peace inside the box of life.

“Then what happened, humans should have lead a normal life in the box of life and should have found a way to defeat these humanoids. Then why are you roaming around in this galaxy?” Grinder asked.

“There comes the twist” I said.

It started all of a sudden one day…….

OBLIVION

I am a simple boy who was born on August 28 2096 in a town behind the walls of the Hoax, I was the only son to my parents, my parents were both scientist in the military developing technology to get a chance against the humanoids.

I and my two friends Anna Handricks and Mark Bullock were always close to each other, their parents also worked with my parents. Anna has deep blue eyes, long golden hair, glowing skin and a beautiful figure, people usually misunderstood her because of her beauty but she was tough as a rock she could beat the crap out of people if someone misbehaved with her or any one of us, Mark was tall like 5’11inches he has brown eyes and yellow hair and a fair skin, he is smart he loves books but he also loves to fight like me, he and I had joined a boxing club as a hobby in our town, I have greenish eyes and black hair with fair skin I was like 5’12inches tall, me and Mark had a good built, I was always curious about how the world looked and works like outside the box of life and loved science I liked to travel and see the world, me and Anna were similar in many ways like we were twins. We three never fought and always stood together whether they were street fights or helping someone else we never had any difference between us we thought the same about anything and everything people called us the trio. We three had only one goal in our mind and that was to get in the HUNTERS to see what the outer world looks like, outside the box of life.

It happened all of a sudden one day in the year 2110, November 25 marked the extinction of humans once again. It was a normal day till noon people were going about their usual life, I, Anna and Mark were discussing our life in the hunters and seeing the outside life when all of a sudden there as a bump from inside the ground were thrown in the air, we saw smoke coming from the gate of hoax, we three ran towards the smoke jumping and running, when we were close enough we saw the source of all the ruckus the wall of hoax was breached humanoids were in and they were killing every human they spotted there were soldiers everywhere trying to kill humanoid with their gun but nothing worked, we three spotted something in the smoke something unusual there was a human figure which opened the door from the outside. We saw everyone running grabbing their loved ones so we also started running, many died saving their loved ones. Humanoid spared no one, children, elders and simple people, we were running too, towards the laboratory for our parents, there was an announcement that all the gates of hoax were open and the laboratory was breached, the three of us were in shock and started running even harder but when we reached there was only rubble no signs of life but we ran in to find our parents but we found their dead bodies, we were in tears, there were several soldiers who hurried in and dragged us out of the rubble they were shouting but we were in shock we never heard a word, I came in consciousness and had only one thing in my mind at that time “KILL THEM ALL” I hit the soldier in his stomach and ran towards the humanoid I had a knife in my had that I took from the soldiers knife holder but the humanoid spotted me I was afraid but my legs never seemed to stop I was standing in front of the humanoid I was shaking it looked right into my eyes, I came back to my senses and heard Anna and Mark shouting run Alex now it’ll kill you, the humanoid shape shifted his hand into a long blade, I thought I’ll die here but then I heard firing, the humanoid was shot directly in the head I turned towards the shooter he was sitting in a window around two kilometers away from his target then he vanished to be precise he cloaked. A soldier came and grabbed me, and shouted “Are you out of your mind kid you’ll die if you act this stupid if you want to take revenge from these things join the damn military” we ran towards the entrance of the box Martin. I saw Anna and Mark I ran towards them, Anna saw me she walked towards me and slapped me on the face and said “Are you mad?” and then hugged me, she was in tears and had only one thing to say “what is this happening Alex? I am afraid” I had nothing to say I just held her tight, Mark walked towards me and said “They are really dead, our parents, aren’t they Alex”, “yes” I said taking a deep breath, he had tears too, and then he said “Promise me Alex we will kill them all won’t we?” I said “we will give them hell for what they did to us”, I held out Anna and told her “Let’s go”. We marched in the box of martin with one goal in our head “KILL THEM ALL”.

In a matter of days we joined the military school, the school had a premises round in shape of diameter 6 km including a football, a basketball, a badminton court, a huge swimming pool and a room for indoor games. We trained there for months with the experts and the strictest teachers in the box of life. We had our own rooms with boys hostel and girls hostel in the school facing each other in the premises, so Anna had got her room on the third floor of her hostel, while I and Mark got adjoined rooms on the third floor of our hostel, the mess food was horrible everyone on the campus hated it, but everyone ate it only to fill their stomach at the end of rigorous exercise we had an hour every day when we were able to meet Anna leaving the training time and we had to go to sleep at 9’o clock sharp at night and if anyone is found awake had to run 50 rounds of a ground with diameter of 2 km next day, at first everyone was like we can’t do it but everyone came into practice, Sundays was the day when everyone was allowed to play their favorite sport available in the premises with their friends, Anna did swimming and badminton while I and Mark did football and basketball, and Sunday was the day when we were allowed to leave the premises go shopping watch movies and all the activities that people do outside the school premises. We were trained in the most toughest way, we got up 4 in the morning and trained till 6 in the evening which included physical training and academics and only one hour of rest and half an hour each for both lunch and breakfast, we ate our dinner at 8 and then went to sleep, before dinner everyone sat with their friend from 7 to 8 and talked the one hour they were given. We taught to shoot, use knife and swords, we were taught to move swiftly, run efficiently without gasping, we were taught to use our combat gear which was a jet pack which worked on gas cartages attached to our suit which included a space to keep the cartages, a watch that showed our gas level, a hole in side of the jet pack to fill gas in it if the cartages are out of gas and a mask which covered the whole head which had a zoom mechanism, the suit had total of ten gas outlets four on the jet pack, two just above the hips and four down the ribs which were distributed two down the right ribs and two down the left ribs, the outlets down the ribs would push the body backwards and the back ones pushed the body forwards. To use the suit the mask was implanted with neuron sensors so you just had to think and the mask will receive the command it was as simple as think forward, you’ll move forward and think backward you’ll move backward and same is for up and down. But to initially start the suit you have to run for a bit so that the suit can transform the energy you release to start itself.

What happened in the box of hoax had shocked every official with high ranks so they had stricken the training we were beaten if we did anything wrong, but we were not the only in this academy, I, Anna and Mark made many friends they all were from the box of hoax who had lost someone there. Our first friend was Ollie Sky a brave guy who had lost his only family his brother in the Hoax, he has brownish skin, he is the tallest of us with a height of 6’5inches while I, Anna and Mark were stuck still at 6’, 5’9 and 5’9inches, Ollie was bald but had a great physique he was fast and swift and with intelligence he was a complete package, then we met Sandra Cole, she was also tough as Anna but she was smaller in height she was also intelligent as everyone else but Mark and Sandra got along well everyone thought of them as a couple as they spent most of the time with each other, then we made friend with the Quadra , the three brothers and a sister who were elder than the rest of us, surprisingly they were all twins born same day with a minute difference, the three brothers had very similar names, Mack, Hank, Frank and Misty their sister they didn’t look that similar but had same eye color which was light blue and hair color which was light yellow, they had nothing else similar they constantly fought not even their hobbies were similar, but when it came to team coordination they always took care of each other and everyone else on their team, I guess that was the reason everyone in the academy liked them and we became good friends. But there was something very strict about the military school if you failed one test you are out of the school, in the first week out of ten thousand applicants nine thousand were thrown out only the best were asked to stay which included me and my friends.

After 6 years of training it was the day of our passing, the day was a special one as I had turned 20 that day. Results of our training and academics were released in afternoon at around 12 a clock in the afternoon, I, Anna, Mark, Ollie, Sandra, Mack, Hank, Frank, and Misty stood in the top ten of the academy students. In the evening there was the regiment selection function around 7’o clock and then a celebration function for the pass outs. It was around 5’o clock when we heard a women screaming in the corridor connecting the boys and girls hostel, everyone ran outside, but I saw Mark’s room locked, I thought that the humanoids had breached the walls of Martin and they had attacked the city, I was worried about Mark and Anna, I was praying for everything to be all right while running down the stairs, I came down and saw everybody standing in a circle I pushed in through the circle and saw the unbelievable, it was Mark was on his knees proposing Sandra saying “Will you spend the rest of your precious life with me, Sandra Cole, will you marry me”, it was Sandra who shouted in happiness and shock, everyone was happy especially I and Anna, we were shouting and telling Sandra to say yes and then after sometime she shouted yes and kissed Mark. We were very happy for our friends who found their true love. We were shouting party, party, party……. And then finally mark said “We will announce our marriage today in front of everyone at the function and then we will get married tomorrow and then we will party. We all went to attend the farewell ceremony given buy our teachers each student was given a medal and a certificate of accomplishment by the president of the box of life Sir Mathew Maxim and by the supreme commander of military Sir Henry Olven who both have been there since the box of life was built, the supreme commander is an inspiration to every alive soldier in the box of life, for every one of us receiving the medal and the certificate was like a dream come true, then there was the regiment selection ceremony in which the first 500 went into the Hunters while the rest joined the Mavericks. After the award giving ceremony and the regiment selection ceremony, both the president and supreme commander gave an inspirational speech and then they said “This week belongs to you people please enjoy” and when both of them were leaving Mark announced his marriage news with everyone and invited both the VIPs in his marriage, which they rejected by making a very silly excuse and left but their rejection didn’t affect the crowd we party very hard that night, Mark and Sandra were only kissing each other the whole party while everyone else was dancing and enjoying their food and the party, I and Anna sat near the pool and talking about our child hood memories and then at around 12 in the night everyone went to their rooms and had a nice sleep cause next day it was the best day for our best friend and we wanted everything to be perfect. Next day we were all engaged in the decoration for the marriage, we ended the decorations by 4 in noon and then everyone went to dress up, Mark wanted me to be his Best man and Sandra asked Anna to be the best women. We all went for the marriage party by 7 and ended it by 12 in the night, we all sat together near the pool the seven best friend of mine looking in the sky gazing the sky and the newlywed couple, Anna was sitting right next to me, she looked at me and said “Alex I am in love with you” I was not shocked, we were in love the first day we saw each other but never accepted it “I love you too Anna” I said, we were going to kiss while mark and Sandra shouted go for it guys pointing towards us, then the Quadra and Ollie shouted “Guys look what is that in the sky?” we all looked toward the sky above us we say an orange sphere of light increasing its size, first we thought that its some kind of firework, then we looked closely it was not firework it was a large ship shooting a plasma beam on the box in a fraction of second it penetrated the roof of box of life the minute this happened we experienced a similar shock we did in the box of hoax there was an announcement made “wall of Martin has been breached, I repeat we our under attack by humanoids run and hide, all the soldiers are requested to protect the people and get them inside the box Lucifer, the roof of Martin will be breached in t-30 minutes, people you have 30 minutes to get inside the box Lucifer. They are inside the announcement facility No….. Ahhhh” I grabbed Anna and ran towards the armory everyone else was also running Mark and Sandra, The Quadra and Ollie, all of us met inside the armory all the students of the school were there the teachers the superior commanders and all the rest of the staff. The superior commander shouted “People this is not a drill this is a real war, now get your gear, stick with your team, kill as many as you can, and dying is not an option, move out” we wore our suit and had our mask in our hands, we were given a pair of sword made by a titanium alloy and two pistols with live ammo, we were not given anything electrical because the humanoids were able to track anything which had anything electrical in it with torch to batteries they detected everything . I saw tears in Mark and Sandra eyes they were crying and saying “I Love you no matter where you are dead or alive…….” I interrupted them and scolded them “You guys have to survive for each other, now wipe the tears let’s play the game by our rules and win it” everyone shouted “to victory” we moved outside the school my team had all my friends and I were tasked to locate and kill and protect the gate of walls of Lucifer at all cost till all the survivors cross the wall and are inside Lucifer. We were allotted with specific numbers that acted as our identity the eight of us had a number in series from 0101 to 0109. My team marched towards the central city hall. I, Anna, Mark and Ollie walked on streets, while the twins and Sandra were on the roof looking out for us from the above, we stood at the entrance of city hall when Hank shouted “Guys you got two Beasts incoming from the right, normal human sized two from the left and one tall one from the front, you guys take the Beasts we’ll get the remaining ones”. “Hey be safe Mark” Sandra shouted. “Beasts massively sized Humanoids with huge body they looked like big dogs and have a shell at the back hard to crack, they are not able to shape shift their body but know well how to make a deadly weapons out of their body”. The key to kill humanoids was to cut their spine from neck to the hip, but to kill a Beast was tougher first you have to break the shell on his back and while it is regenerating cut its spine that’s the only way to kill it and if you miss do it all over again. I walked towards the first Beast up front while Anna swept stealthy behind its back, while Mark and Ollie distracted the other and took it in a different direction. It saw me it charged toward me I also started running towards it when it was up close 50 meters I jumped over its head initializing a back ward thrust so I could get a clear shot at its shell, midair I took out my pistol and shot 10 rounds at its shell which cracked its skull now I fired another 10 breaking the shell, I shouted “Anna now!!!” she ran and slit the bastards spin into two and killing him. We both than ran towards Mark’s and Ollie’s location because the Beast was not dead as it was still making a lot of noise that would attract distant Humanoid towards our location so we rushed there, when we reached there we saw Mark on the head of the Beast trying to pull out something “What are you doing Mark kill it already it will attract attention of others” I shouted, “He is right Mark, that thing can be dangerous it can harm you and will attract attention” Anna shouted too. “Shut up guys I am doing something important this thing has an hard drive like thing attached into its head, I thing it contains info on the world outside the Box of Life and if I kill it first it will fry the drive after its death, so stop shouting and help me” I became interested so I ran towards the Beast, I distracted it by firing on it while Anna jumped on the head of the damn thing and helped Mark to pull it out, it took Anna and Mark 5 minutes to pull the hard drive and my whole cartage of bullets to distract that ugly thing the minute they pulled the drive, Ollie slit the bastard’s spine. “You guys are going to die and take me with you man” Ollie shouted. We four then ran toward the twins and Sandra to see what they had accomplished while we were doing our job, Mark was worried about Sandra, surprisingly they were already finished with three of their targets, “Yo guys what took u so long” Frank shouted, “it’s all thanks to Mark” Ollie said in a sarcastic tone, “Don’t blame him” Sandra shouted on Ollie, “Thanks babe” Mark said to Sandra smiling at her, “Thanks Ollie” Mark said. “Zip it guys” I said. We banged the door down of the city hall we then shouted “people come out we are here to help,we are moving out” there were around ten adults and twenty teenagers both boys and girls mixed and five children between age of ten to twelve years, surprisingly they were all armed with shot guns, had guns, assault rifle and different fire arms, one of the elders shouted “How do we believe you guys are humans and not those shape shifting bitches” “Hey who are you guys calling bitches huh” the twins shouted “Yeah we are here to save you, at least be thankful” Mark shouted, all the civilians pointed their guns toward us, “Let’s get out of here guys, these people don’t need any saving” I said to my team mates, “Guys stop, we are here to save them, not leave them to die” Anna and Sandra shouted on the seven of us. “They doubt us don’t you two see that” we seven shouted at the two girls. “Cut a slit on your hands to show them you have bloods flowing under your skin and not metal” the two said. We thought of it as good idea and felt ourselves idiots to behave like babies, we slit a small cut on our palms and showed the afraid civilians that we have blood not metal flowing inside our veins. The weapons they had in their hands dropped and the stared crying, they had only one thing to say “We are afraid and want to save our little and loved ones that as the only sole reason we picked up weapons for the first time in our lives” we had nothing to say but learn from their bravery, the moment we moved to get out of building we heard heavy footsteps approaching us. I went near the door of entrance of the north wing while Mark went north, Anna west and Ollie east. We peeped together outside to see what is waiting for us outside, we closed the door immediately after peeping for a second and gathered back at the central hall of building with all those people, “Team meeting in the corner guys” Mark said, we all gathered at the corner of the room “What did you guys see?” I asked “Two normal sized approaching on the eastern side” Ollie said, “Two medium sized approaching on the western side” Anna said, “Single tall one approaching towards the southern side” Mark said, “One beast approaching the northern side” I said. “What’s the plan?” everyone asked looking toward me “What me, no you guys decide” I said looking at them “Man we are running out of time and your decision were always the best from the start so give us order” everyone said, “Do it” Anna said rubbing my shoulders. “Ok guys Mark and I will take the beast, Anna and Sandra takeout the 2 medium sized, Ollie and misty takeout the two normal sized, and Hank, Frank and Mack takeout the large one. Guys remember first take them away from this place and kill them there” I ordered them. Anna asked to the civilians to stay low and hide in the building, “We’ll call out Nightingale when we are finished” she said to all the civilians. Everyone marched in the direction they were allotted, “Give Them Hell” the eight of shouted. “Hey guys don’t forget to pull out their hard drives” Mark said to all of us. “You got it” everyone said. I and mark went from the northern gate toward our target, the others did the same. The target was only 500m away from our building we had to kill it before it is just 100 away from the building. The beast covered its head with a reinforced armor and its shell into with a bunch of spikes, so it would be hard to kill it with our guns and blades, we had nothing in mind and the thing was approaching us very fast “Hey man here is a jeep, we can hit it with this” I shouted, “We can immobilize it with shooting it with its legs after we hit it” Mark said; “Good idea” I said. We got it jeep and drove fast towards the beast and went to its side we hit it once, his balance trembled but it did not fell, it was very close to the city hall we made another hit which trembled the beast and he smashed himself in a multistory building it collapsed the building onto itself making it immobilized for some time, Mark started shooting its legs with his high velocity bullets tearing them down into pieces. “Let’s pull that drive out while we have got the time” I said. Mark went and started shooting the armored skull of the beast till it cracked open, while I was shooting on the beast shell to break it which I did after wasting two cartages of my gun, “Mark is it out” I shouted; “Yes boss, have the pleasure to kill it”, it took me a minute to slice the back of the Beast killing it. “You are history bitch” Mark shouted in joy; “It’s not the time for celebrating, let’s find out what other have done” I said. We ran back towards the others, Anna and Sandra were done with their targets, “Here you go baby” Sandra said tossing the drives they recovered from their targets toward Mark, “You ok babe?” Mark shouted running towards Sandra, they both kissed the minute they hugged and started laughing, “Come on guys not everywhere” I shouted at them, but they just ignored me, “Hey you ok?” Anna asked me; “Yeah” I said taking a deep relaxing breath, “By the way what’s up with the twins and Ollie? Are they done with their targets” I asked Anna; “Yeah, they must be almost finish too, last time we checked they were pulling the drives out” Anna said. “Mark, here have your drives” Ollie and the others shouted from a distance; “Thanks guys” Mark shouted. We entered the city hall to see if everyone is all right, “Hey Alex call the runners to take these people to safety” Ollie said. “Runner, the people trained with skills of running fast and in strength to carry multiple people with them in their hands they mainly used a very light gear so they can carry weight, they also carried any message to be delivers to a team”. I went on the road to fire the smoke gun since there were 10 teams, each team was given 6 containers with a particular colored smoke filled in it, and two container with black smoke which was used to call for reinforcements, my team was given red color, every time you fire a shot ten runners come to your help, now this time there were 30 people so I fired three shots back to back there was red smoke in the air, it took runners only three minutes to reach us. “Hey guys we have 30 people you have to take to safety” Ollie told the runners team leader. The runners slit a small cut on every civilian hand to check whether they were humans or shape shifted humanoids. “Hey you are not supposed to do that they are small children” Anna shouted when the runners slit the children tiny hands. “Sorry mam but we have to do our job no one is an exception” the runner told Anna in a heavy voice, “How do we know you people are not shape shifted humanoids?” Sandra shouted on the runners “She is right” Mark shouted “Sir if u doubt us this much we will also slit our skin to show you we are humans” the leader of the runner squadron shouted. After the runners were finished with their testing they stared to take every civilian to safety. “Hey team leader do you have any message for us?” I asked the runners team leader, “Sorry man I completely forgot, the general has asked you to evacuate the Star Shine Hotel it is said that there are some top VIPs who are staying there, but the problem is that seismic activity is detected below the hotel, you guys have only 40 minutes to extract the VIPs and bring them to the entrance of Martin” the team leader told us, “Why are we the only one who are given this job” Hank asked the team leader. “It is because out of all the teams you and the blue team are alive rest of them are KIA” the team leader spoke in a sad voice. He left with the remaining of his squad……..


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18 Reviews


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Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:10 pm
TaylorAllen wrote a review...



First BIG thing: ALWAYS create a new paragraph for each new speaker. Remember TIP-TOP: create a new paragraph every time Time, Person (speaker), or Topic change.
Second thing: "you," not "u"
Third thing: If the dialogue is just a sentence, put a comma at the end before the attribution. For example: "It is because out of all the teams, you and the blue team are alive. The rest of them were KIA," the team leader said in a sad voice.
Fourth: (that I sorta demonstrated in #3 ) there's some grammar and tense errors, and typically "said" is better than any other synonym for it. The brain skips over "said," which makes for a smoother read. But if you want to say, for example, "spoke in a sad voice," the quote needs a period at the end, then the end quotes, then a new sentence with a capital letter: "...were KIA." The team leader spoke in a sad voice. (also, "sadly" is more concise, but it's your choice.)
Fifth: at the end, there's like twelve periods. May I suggest, instead, a line break to set it apart from the rest of the scene, and a single period? You get the emphasis without overdoing it with the ellipses (which, by the way, usually signal something else is coming, and in this case there's not)
I did this in a bit of a rush, so I didn't have time to read the whole piece, but from what I did, I like the concept! I hope you keep working on this!




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Sun Jan 31, 2016 1:28 am
Steggy wrote a review...



Hi!

I like to first say is welcome to YWS.

This seems to be a very long chapter. What I mean by that is there are long paragraphs that seem to give out so much information at one time. Try spacing out the paragraphs in easy to read sections, which can take the reader from one part to the other. Also the dialogue is in these big paragraphs, and to me honestly, that seems clustered. If I remember correctly, when writing speaking parts you should a.) add some emotion and b.) separate it so no one is generally confused.
I'll start from the beginning of this novel chapter and work down. From what I read in the beginning, I knew this was going to be a good, thought out synopsis about what's going to happen. It almost seemed to give the general description of what happened. Yet it seems to run slow. The dialogue doesn't exactly seemed believable, in my opinion. The phantom, as of now, is nobody that sounds like a robot. He just came out of the darkness, wanting to hear a story from the narrator.
Try adding some voice into the phantom, express what he might sound like or something. The reader can see that narrator was thrown into jail and had a lover. I think that's the suspenseful part of this. Who's the girl? Why are they in the prison in the first place?

Those are some questions the reader might ask.

A dark figure approached our cell we were sitting thinking what will happen to us will we die on this planet will we fail to accomplish of saving what belonged to us. Will I die without seeing her smile again? Will we fail to save the place we once called home?


For a beginning of a chapter, this seems weak. It seems to be just a run-off sentence. For this, try thinking about the beginning in your head and pick out the parts that need to have their own part.

For example:

Before

Spoiler! :
A dark figure approached our cell we were sitting thinking what will happen to us will we die on this planet will we fail to accomplish of saving what belonged to us.


After

Spoiler! :
We were in our cell. Sitting. Thinking what will happen to us.Will we die on this planet? Will we fail to accomplish of saving what belonged to us? It was then that he appeared. A dark figure.


The following part has the same problem. It is just sentence strung together with a rope or wire.

Before

Spoiler! :
He entered our cell walked and stood in the middle of the cell, he removed his cloak only to reveal himself as a giant phantom. He spoke in his loud and heavy voice “I am Grinder I am here to listen to your story Mr. Alex Walker and if I believe it is enough to save you from your death sentence I will let you and your mate Mr. Jared Black, walk out of this cell and prison alive and then you’ll be able to go and save your friends.


After

Spoiler! :
The dark figure entered then walking to the middle of the room. As he stood there, with our attention to him, the phantom removed his cloak, only to reveal himself as a phantom.
He spoke in a loud, heavy voice.
"I'm the Grinder, here to listen to your story Mr. Alex Walker. If I believe it, then it shall save you and your mate, Mr. Jared Black. If not.." His voice trailed off as I nodded. I understood the consequences. I only hoped to survive long enough.


From what I read, I suggest re-reading your chapters because some of these parts don't exactly make sense or are very hard to read. Imagine yourself as the reader- would you want to read something that has the paragraphs, unevenly together? To me, honestly, I would want the parts equally separated that way you can imagine things better and find your place.

In year 2110 humans were on a blink of extinction it all began due the advancement of technology and the hunger of humans for more.


"blink" should be "brink". I definitely loved this quick summary of where this novel might take place at. It has that mysterious feeling to it. However, soon after it doesn't make sense. We are now in the year 2050?
You seem to have some good description of what's happening during that time period, as well, as the conflicts that arise from there. There's just one problem: its hard to read and the reader might lose their place if they do read this.
As I said before countless time, try making separate parts. Or if you are writing once sentence and you want to go onto the other sentence using the enter key can help. ^^

The next little big part seems to be a big run on sentence. So, I'll try my best to fix some of it.

Before

Spoiler! :
2050 marked the advancement of technology on earth , we had built massive starships to reach the farthest end of our galaxy , we found life forms in different solar systems, established relations with them, technology was booming at its fullest when we established trade routes with different species around the galaxy due to which new technology came into existence with foreign substance we were able to build bullets that can pierce a body but will kill it when commanded to, we made augmentation for handicapped people so they can live a normal human life, we were able cure almost every disease humans knew about, military had suits that increased there humane capabilities a 1000 times making them nearly invincible,...


After

Spoiler! :
The year 2050 marked the advancement. We'd built massive starships in the farthest part of the galaxy, found life forms in different solar areas, established relations with them, and the technology we possessed was booming quite well. We've even established trade routes with other species.
Beyond that we made bullets that would kill on command and cured almost every disease possible. The military claimed suits that could increase the human's capabilities, making them nearly invincible...


You get the drift. Try doing that to every part in this novel, and it should be good to go. ;)

Anyway. The long parts of the prologue seemed to be the descriptions of the story the narrator is telling to the phantom.

Now, to the Oblivion part of this. A little side note: maybe make the prologue and Oblivion separate works? The prologue is long enough to just be a lone standing piece of work, while Oblivion (which I think is a chapter?) might be a stand alone as well.
When I was reading some of this, I can tell there was unneeded info that we, the readers, need to know. For example, I don't think we need to know when the narrator was born (unless it is important for later chapters, then keep it.)
You seemed to describe everyone quite nicely. I like Anna for some reason. Even though she doesn't speak (yet), I feel she'll be of importance to this novel.

We three had only one goal in our mind and that was to get in the HUNTERS to see what the outer world looks like, outside the box of life.


Either use "we" or "three". We shows that there are three of them while three just says "oh, there are three characters." It is kinda like repeating what you've said. Another thing, Hunters shouldn't be in all caps. Since it is of importance, try putting it in bold or italics.

The main issue with this work, in my opinion, is the paragraphs. This can help you with that.
As I said before, dialogue can happen in a big chunk like you have. It can also change people. The towards the end of this novel, this was the biggest chunk I've ever seen. For this, try reading it over. Like really read it over. There are some grammatical mistakes, few run-off, and it doesn't exactly make sense.

Another thing is passive voices, adverbs, and simpler alternatives.

Passive voices

This means the noun phrases the object of that sentence.

Some examples are:

Spoiler! :
[.... been breached..], [... are requested...], [... was given], etc.


Adverbs

This is a word or phrase that modifies or qualifies an adjective, verb, or other adverb or a word group. There seems to be a lot of these towards the need and they are used to make sense of a verb (kinda like how an adjective modifies a noun). This should explain it more.

Overall, this chapter could use some work. If you put the effort into working on editing this, I'm sure it'll be a fun read. ^^

If you have any questions, do let me know!

Steggy




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Sun Jan 31, 2016 1:27 am
Rin321 wrote a review...



Hey Markus117! CHRISSY321 here to drop by with a nice review! :)

*Happy Review Day!* :elephant:

I think that this story was really good! I live the dialogue, and how well you made the whole story go through! While I was reading though I did find few points where there could be improvement:

A dark figure approached our cell we were sitting thinking what will happen to us will we die on this planet will we fail to accomplish of saving what belonged to us.


It took me a while to get through this sentence because just the way it was formatted. If I were you I would change it to this so it would flow better:

"A dark figure approached our cell whilewe were sitting thinking what would happen to us will we dieed on this planet. Will we fail to accomplish of saving what belonged to us?

I think having it this way would make it flow better because what was written before was confusing for me to read!

He spoke in his loud and heavy voice “I am Grinder I am here to listen to your story Mr. Alex Walker and if I believe it is enough to save you from your death sentence I will let you and your mate Mr. Jared Black, walk out of this cell and prison alive and then you’ll be able to go and save your friends.


I think that this would flow better like this:

"I am Grinder." he said in his loud and heavy voice. "I am here to listen to your story Mr. Alex Walker, and if I believe it is enough to save you from your death sentence, then I will let you and your mate Mr. Jared Black walk out of this cell and prison alive, and then you’ll be able to go and save your friends."

I also want to point out that it is best in a story to hit 'enter' or to start a new paragraph if you were to add dialogue. You would do the same every time a different character would speak. If you have it in one huge paragraph it is easy to get lost! It also makes it feel like forever to read. This is seen throughout the final portion of this story. You have a lot of dialogue, and other places where you really need to separate and make a new paragraph!

2050 marked the advancement of technology on earth , we had built massive starships to reach the farthest end of our galaxy , we found life forms in different solar systems,


Why is there all the space before and after the coma? This just puzzled me...

There were a few other areas that could be improved as well, but they were generally the same, and I really do not want to g off nitpicking too much! Overall I think you did well, but please take my suggestions, especially about separating to enormous paragraphs that seem to last forever!

I encourage you to keep writing ! :)
~Chrissy





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