Chapter One - Kaze Ayama -
Why does school have to be so...ugh! I never understood the importance of being graded, I really didn't. You didn't even have to be smart to pass, you just have to be able to know how to use the test to take the test, either that or cheat. That's actually the current source of my predicament. See I'm not exactly the smartest person in the world. In fact I could be considered pretty stupid.....Okay so that's a lie, and a really bad one at that. Depending on who you ask I'm actually a genius, though I've never actually studied. I also might have a tendency to sleep during class. There's also a slight possibility that I'm failing, and that could be the reason I was currently being told off by my homeroom teacher.
Though this could also be due to that kid I dumped my lunch on last period. In my defense that Shiro-something or other was a massive nugget. Thinking he was all that, with his greasy bleach blonde hair and his 'natural' blue eyes. Can't forget that ugly mug he calls a face, or how he always looks like he just rolled out of bed. Everytime he walks into class I just want to scream 'Yo bro, that rugged look ain't working for you!' His appearance isn't the only thing that grates on my nerves, his 'I'm better than you' tone of voice also does the trick.
However, this time around I just kind of snapped. Which is weird, because I'm usually really good at controlling it. You kind of have to be with a class full of idiots like mine. Though the turd definitely crossed the line this time, or specifically his anger did. I mean what was I supposed to do? The guy was a secound away from smacking her. The her in question being Koizumi Kazumi, my class president. I don't much about her, just that she doesn't have any friends. Infact the majority of the idiots in my class hate her for some reason, but this doesn't give them the right to hurt her. This isn't the first time this has happened either. They've never gotten physical with her, but they have bullied her. I step in whenever I see it, but it still continues. Maybe they were just jealous, Koizumi-san is rather attractive.
I never did get to get to ask her the specifics on what happened; I was carted of to the teacher's lounge before I had the chance. Not that I would've either way, she never tells me why. Infact we've never spoken a word to each other. It's weird I know, but neither one of us knows what to say I suppose.
"ZE-KUN! KAZE-KUN!" The annoying sound of my teacher's voice broke through my thoughts, "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING KAZE-KUN?!" His face was red in anger.
"Yes sir." I stated calmly, and politely. It was a lie, but I'd rather lie than continue in this droll conversation.
He sighed, his hazel eyes were red and weary from years of wear. He had a full head of white hair, and if the deep wrinkles on his face were any indication the 20 years of teaching highschool definitely took their toll on the 50 year old man.
"Kaze- kun," he spoke again voice a lot calmer, "You're one of my smartest students, but if you don't start shaping up you might not even pass this year."
He turned towards his desk, and picked up a pad of paper. He scribbled something down, tore it away from the rest of the pad.
"Despite your actions having pure intentions, Kaze-kun, I cannot let this slide." He held the slip out to me, "Detention in the library after school, please don't be late."
I stared at the slip for a secound before taking it, "Is that all?" I asked.
He let out another deep sigh, "Yes, that is all." I nodded then walked out, closing the door behind me.
I continued down the monochromatic hallways of the school heading towards my class. There weren't many people roaming the halls as you would expect. Especially considering it was their lunch break. I just writ it off as the bell would ring soon. I reached my classroom, a sign reading 2-A hung above the door. A small frown showed itself on my face for a few secounds before I opened the door. I quickly hid it.
When I opened it I came face to face with the one person I've been trying to protect since the day I met her, Koizumi Kazumi. We both froze, and looked at each other. She was the first to break the gaze as she looked to the ground nervously. She shyly glanced back up at me, and moved to say something. However, it never reached her lips because the bell interrupted us. We stayed there for a secound.
"Excuse me," I said, my voice sudenly hoarse, "I need to get through." I felt eyes boring through the back of my head like daggers, at the kindness in my voice. These people seriously needed a chill pill, and to mind their own business.
She moved to the side to let me in, there was a frazzled look one her eye. I walk through down the rows till I reach my seat by the windows. I sat down, and let the voice of my Sensei slowly become background noise. I barely lasted five minutes before I turned my head to look at Koizumi-san sitting 2 seats behind me. She was jotting down notes, lost in her own little world.
I turned back to face the front with a pleased smile on my face; that was our first conversation.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
I like your writing style, don't change it! Sure, you could add in a few harder words, but keep it pretty much the same. I think that the writing style you have goes perfectly with your character.
Your first paragraph I wasn't so sure if I'd like the story, but the more I read the more it began to grow on me. I found that you described your character emotions very fluently and knew them well.
Bye!
~BookWolf
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I'm glad to see that I've arrived in time to see the beginning of a all new story! I'm also glad to see that I'll be reviewing for two authors. I've never done co-writing before but I've heard it's usually pretty hard to do. I wish you both luck in this. ^-^
From the first paragraph I was rather expecting a type of style that would instantly show that this person was truly a genius. Rather, I think I got the sort of impression that this person was a rather punk styled person. Like they truly didn't care about much, but just wanted to please themselves and nobody else. Now that does sound like a trait that a typical genius would have, but their narration and dialogue wasn't something that I would expect a genius to normally have. More like they are some silly teenager that had a huge chip on their shoulder and thought that they were God's gift to the world, but sounded absolutely ridiculous while they were at it. Wasn't exactly my idea of what a genius would sound like. I'd suggest trying to work out some sort of way of distinguishing them from a normal person. Even something as simple as they don't use contractions in speech as much as a normal person would be a good idea. Also, try and mix in advanced vocabulary if you want as well. It might show some higher intelligence. Just a thought. Thought I'd bring this up, as it really stuck out to me that this person wasn't really above the average. xD
What I can see perhaps coming up, is some romance maybe? This girl that he seems to be talking about might perhaps like him as well? Hmm, I cannot make a decision on it really, as the actions of both parties are rather confusing to me at the moment. But that does make sense, as this is the first chapter and it's not supposed to make sense quite yet. xD
This is something that I don't think is quite commonly known, but after an ellipsis you have a space. Always. I don't think there is an exception anywhere.
One thing I have noticed is that you guys use a lot of though and in fact sort of phrases. To be honest, it came off as sort of redundant. I'd suggest trying to find different ways of the narrator to give off their opinion on such and such a matter. One other thing... there are waaay too many typos in this work. Now I usually don't comment much on that, but it was rather distracting while reading. The quickest way of fixing it would be to really put it through a grammar and spelling checker.
Alright, that's pretty much all I have to critique on. Apart from what I've previously mentioned, I think this is a great opening for a new novel. It made me curious and ready to read more, and that's what you usually want. I don't quite understand why this was put into Fantasy but I'm sure I'll find out soon!
OK, that's it for now! Sorry, that this is short.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
I enjoyed this story, it does portray a part of normal, annoying, school.
See I'm not exactly the smartest person in the world.
I feel like the word "see" is not needed in this sentence, you could leave it, but if you do, I suggest putting a comma after it.
Depending on who you ask[,] I'm actually a genius, though I've never actually studied.
Though this could also be due to that kid I dumped my lunch on last period. In my defense[,]that Shiro-something or other was a massive nugget.
I suggest not using the word "though", it doesn't help that sentence very much at all. What's a "massive nugget"? ._.
Though the turd definitely crossed the line this time, or specifically his anger did.
(Lol!! Nice word choice!)
The guy was a secound away from smacking her.
*second
Infact the majority of the idiots in my class hate her for some reason, but this doesn't give them the right to hurt her.
No biggie, the word *in fact, needs a space between it.
I was carted of to the teacher's lounge before I had the chance.
Instead of *of, it'd be off because of would be used, for example:
Out of the three, I choose Lala.
I turned off the lights.
There weren't many people roaming the halls as you would expect. Especially considering it was their lunch break.
Consider connecting these two sentences?
barely lasted five minutes before I turned my head to look at Koizumi-san sitting 2 seats behind me
Instead of using 2, two sounds a little better since your writing literature.
I walk through down the rows till I reach my seat by the windows.
Correction: I walked down the rows *until I *reached my seat by the windows.
I liked it a lot!
Thanks for reviewing!!! Yeah my grammar isn't my strongest quality, nor is my punctuation. However , some of this stuff, till instead of until, was supposed to be like a sense of how the character thinks, and talks. A massive nugget is just another word for major jerk.
Oh! Lol.. I guess I learned a new phrase now.