Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Esra was one of a victim of science, he suffered humiliation and the rejection of his people, being the Prince of Verchen, the supposedly nation of advanced and smart humans, cost him his own humanity.
While other nations lived in harmony, Verchen had made itself the title of "freaks of madness", its people were well known for not giving to two fucks about anyone, or anything's rights when it comes to "discovering new abilities" and "more advanced technology"
The other nations would consider having more manners, constantly reminding themselves through their media and education not to go too far in anything and then the famous quote follows "so we won't be like the crazy Verchens who turned their own prince to a machine"
They had every right to terrorize their own people from them actually, they made countless crimes in the rights of other nations' citizens too, it's surprising how they didn't rage a war on each other; oh wait, they did, and Verchen won. Yet the other nations despised them. If it wasn't for the annual trips and educational tours in the city, that is highly protected by international security made specially for these tours, there would have been no contact with the other nations whatsoever.
It's not not like Esra gave a shit about it, he would let this nation burn in hell for all he cares; the only thing that was stopping him is his father, the man who thinks this nation can fix its relationships with all the other nations.
Of course constantly failing due to the fear of the others from them, Esra stayed locked in the giant house of the royal family, ashamed from his hideous look and inhuman form; his father found and executed the culprit, but what's the use? He was a human no more...
He is now a cyborg.
_____________________________
Its been seven years since his "transformation", looking through the window, at the robots who cared for the garden; it's surprising to see anything green in Verchen nation, everything was metal and mechanic even the trees where man-made and haves engines that produces oxygen and reduces carbon dioxide just like plants; except they work on batteries and they pollute more than they give also they are irritating to look at, well for Esra only apparently.
______________________________
This nation is the worst thing I have ever witnessed!! I'm fucking cursed to be it's so called prince! The funny thing is, they thought that the one that represents its dirty ass had to look like one of its fucked up ideas.
I was kidnapped FROM MY ROOM and no one found me for full FUCKING TWO YEARS. Am I really from the royal family in this nation? Did my father not realise I was missing or something for him to take this fucking long time to find me?! Or did the oh-so-glorious robotic searching troops had their scanning systems and DNA analyzers fucking broken for two FUCKING YEARS?!!!
Oh and my father was not even half surprised when he saw me like that, I know he was pretending to be shocked, and he thought that executing the ones who did that would ease my rage, fuck that old fucker; I wish he would just die.
Yet then if he does that, I will be an easy toy for the high class to place me where ever they want, I know they will threat me to go back yo that lab... I will do anything for me not to ho back there... Even if it means throwing this nation in long decades of despair, they deserve a VIP invitation to Satan's castle! Hahaha! Satan will probably be kissing their hands for their efforts.
Ah... My imagination went wild again. Haha maybe I can blow up few good researching labs since I can take down skyscrapers with a simple punch; but nah... It'd not worth it, plus I don't want to be like them.
_____________________________
"Master Esra, your father wants to see you" the robot knocked on the door.
"F-BEEP-off" every robot in the house are programmed to make a beep sound every time he swears, yeah... That's one of the King's brilliant ideas to make his son stop swearing, he sometimes becomes the least smart man in the nation.
"Master Esra your father prohibited you from using foul language"
"Fu-BEEP! shi-BEEP! assh-BEEP! di-BEEP-Bag! Tentacle rape!" He shouted.
"Your father said he wanted to discuss your wedding arrangements" Esra wanted to break everything in his sight when he heard those words come out of that robot, he turned his head slowly to the robot behind him, and the next thing the robot was flying out of the room and went through the wall opposite of the door, smashing its head.
With a loud breaking sound, his father took a deep breathe so he would be ready for the screaming complains of his son's rage mode.
"YOU OLD CRACK HEAD!! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?!"
he sighed and faced the stairs, but Esra was already dashing full speed down the stairs breaking them completely and crushing the floor tiles beneath every inflamed step of his.
He was facing his father after crossing the west section of the house in the matter of two seconds, his eyes burned with fury crossing swords with his father, they were both almost equal in strength since his father replaces his limps with robotic ones to show his support for cyborg technology; and boy was that a mistake to make.
"DID THE LIMPS FINALLY CORRUPT YOUR BRAIN?!?!"
"Breathe Esra and listen, this will guarantee long good relationships with Mulicas" he sent Esra's sword across the room and kicked him in the chest throwing him to the wall, the wall was bulged in badly from the heavy impact on it, the servant robots gathered to mend it.
His father walked in calm steps to his son who's lying on the floor.
"You will marry the oldest daughter of the ruler, her name is Eva, she is younger that you with a couple of years"
Esra jumps and loops in the air to his sword and runs full sound speed twoards his father "DON'T MAKE ME INVOLVED IN ONE OF YOUR IDEAS!"
"She is ready for a man like you Esra, and when I saw her in my last visit, hoho! Let me tell you, she is a bomb!" He said as their swords clang together.
"DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A BAG OF DICKS ABOUT THIS SHIT?!"
"She knows about your condition AND she accepted to marry you" that's when both of their swords cross, he sees the smirk on his father's face, which makes him more irritated.
"NO F-BEEP!! SH-BEEP! EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT MY CONDITION YOU FU-BEEP! FACE!!"
"Didn't you say that there is no girl will ever love you? Well, you got a marriage and with no effort made" Esra pulled away his sword and started to breath slowly, "have you thought about asking me you little TWAT" Bad word to use with his father, between all the words don't even think of using that word with Chaise, it turns him to reaper mode.
All what Esra felt now was his father's sword in his thigh.
"UGHHHRR!! WHAT THE FUCK?!"
"I'm still your father, and I demand you to respect me!" He punched him in the face and kicked his face downwards, making him fall on his knees.
"This is for that sake of this nation" despite this nation being very corrupted, his father still had small hopes in making it a better place, and he believed it was possible by learning from the other nations.
"I hate this nation" he hissed.
"Your its only hope out of its misery"
"I don't give a crap..."
His father sighed, and said with a serious tone and a sharp look to his son "it's not in your hands anymore, its your duty as a prince to give what you can to your nation, your marriage is in a week, so you better behave yourself...unless you want me to send you to a lab to make a good use out of you..."
He didn't, Esra couldn't believe what he just heard, his father never said anything like this before.
"What?..." He mumbled to himself.
"There is nothing more I want to tell you, you can go back to your room" Chaise walks away, leaving Esra on the ground unable to realise how his father would threat him with something like that.
"Master Esra? Are you alright?" A servant robot asked.
"Make me a bath" he said.
"Yes master Esra" as the robot left, Esra got up and limping his way to his room.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello!
Welcome to YWS!
Okay, so I'm just stopping by with a review. I'm going to kick this off by getting all the nitpicks out of the way so that we can get onto the good stuff
Okay, so:
Okay, so my point here is that your entire paragraph is one sentence. I'd suggest breaking it up into a couple of smaller sentences. So an example of how you could do this :
They had every right to terrorize their own people from them actually, they made countless crimes in the rights of other nations' citizens too, it's surprising how they didn't rage a war on each other; oh wait, they did, and Verchen won. Yet the other nations despised them. If it wasn't for the annual trips and educational tours in the city, that is highly protected by international security made specially for these tours, there would have been no contact with the other nations whatsoever.
Also a quick side note, 'terrorise' is spelt 'terrorize'
Okay, so here you just need to watch the tenses, you switch from 'was' to 'is'. I feel like it should probably be 'He was now a cyborg'.
Okay, so here again there is another paragraph that is one sentence long, just try and break it down a bit into some smaller sentences.
Either delete the exclamation points after 'witnessed' or delete the word 'and'.
You need to capitalize the T at the start of 'the'
I think you need an 's' at the end of represent. So it would be represents.
You need to capitalize the 'H' in 'he'. And I'm also pretty sure that you meant 'sighed' rather than 'signed'
Again, you need to capitalize as it's the start of a sentence, but I also think you meant 'breathe' rather than 'breath'
I think you meant 'sent' rather than send.
Again, just another point about tenses. 'Kicked' rather than 'kicks'
Okay, so here, he seems quite capable of swearing, whereas before, you said that swearing was interrupted by beeps. Just something you might want to clear up
Just a lack of punctuation here, just add a period.
Okay, so now grammar is out of the way we can talk about your plot
Hello! Thank you for the review very much!
I've fixed the mistakes u pointed (man do I have a blind eye for grammar xD)
Stay tuned for chapter 2!
Again thank you very much!
-Mari
Hey there, welcome to YWS!
Desdemona here, proud to be Giving you your first review!
I have a very strong liking for futuristic fiction. Combined with angsty teenagers, this work is a gold mine!
However, there are some points we must look at for making good use of our mine here.
You have made some errors in grammar, which I can allot to not proofreading carefully enough. For example, one I witness in many, many chapters was present here too; tense confusion.
Example:
"While other nation live in harmony with eachother, Verchen had..."
You see? Presenr became past. While any reader can understand what you mean with this, it is always better to keep your tenses constant until a change is required. Makes the passage flow easier.
In addition to that, some of your sentences, such as the gigantic one containing the sentence I gave as an example above in the beginning, are too long.
When sentences are too long, they break the flow of the story, and you have to seperate clauses with commas as well!!!. Also, you have slight problems with subject-verb agreements too.
I will use the same sentence as an example;
"Verchen had made itself the title of "freaks of madness", they were well known for..."
Verchen is singular. However, you used they WERE in reference to Verchen, which is incorrect. It should be it was.
Here's another one
"DID THE LIMPS FINALLY CORRUPTED YOUR BRAIN???"
It is corrupt, not corrupted, as limps is plural.
Somewhere in the middle, you shifted to first person from third person without warning. Don't do that.
Other than that, there is word repetition here and there, and too many dots in some places. Elipses only require three dots.
Well, I say you should reread your stories very carefully before publishing them. These errors can be avoided very easily. I'm sure this story will read perfectly once they're fixed, the plot already appears solid to me.
Anyways, PM me with any questions, and keep writing
Love,
Des.
Hello!
so I have no clues.
I want to thank you deeply for your review, I corrected what you mentioned as much as I can.
I would like to just point out few things, I used were with Verchen because I was talking about its people not the city itself, I guess you can't do that randomly in English? Anyways I corrected it now
And shifting from third to first person was because I didn't know how to describe his hate for the city except if I switch the narrator like that ^_^; but if you have a better idea on how to put it in a better way, please do tell me
And the reason of my confusion with dots, comas and other marks, is that I don't know how to use them, sadly they didn't teach us that at school
I do reread anything I write, but you see... I have a blind eye for grammar mistakes, I can never see them for some reason xD, and I can't show my writing to anyone, because no one here read English stories, sadly. (Not even English teachers, like wow)
And thank you for calling it a gold mine! I'm very happy
I hope you would be reading the other chapters when they are out
Thank you for reviewing!
-Mari
Shhh
It's all good. Mistakes are all learning opportunities 
Like I said, PM me with any questions whatsoever and always make a wall post tagging me whenever you post a new chapter ^^ I'll be sure to take a look as soon as I see it.