z

Young Writers Society


12+

Crystal Tears: Chapter Two

by MarianaChristena


Isabella could feel the flames lapping at her ankles as she ran through the burning house. Her mother’s voice telling her to save Celeste rang in her ears.

She could little Pierre screaming. Tears trailed down her face.

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered.

She felt a tug on the sleeve of her nightgown.

“Ella, I’m scared.” Celeste looked up at her, big green eyes filled with fear.

“It’s going to be okay.”

Celeste started to scream, and she was ripped away from Ella. The fire engulfed her, turning her skin black as soon as it made contact.

“No!”

She woke up, a cold sweat trickling down her back. She glanced down at her shaking hands and the scars that had been left by the fire. She could’ve sworn she felt the flames on her body again.

“It was a dream.” She told herself, though it wasn’t at all comforting. “Just a dream.”

***

Prince Frederic followed Jacques’ directions exactly. The interior of the palace was falling apart just as much as the exterior, but it was clean. There was no visible dust anywhere, almost like someone lived there. Someone other than a beast.

When he got to Jacques’ cell, it was easy to pick the rusted lock. It was a skill he’d acquired through years of sneaking around the palace and into forbidden rooms.

Jacques was shorter than Frederic had expected. He had a kind face, graying brown hair, and light blue eyes. They crept back through the palace silently, as if they might wake it. Frederic unsheathed his sword that was still hung at his hip. The front of the palace was built of crumbling stone, vines grown up the walls. From the front of the palace to the large wrought iron gates, there was a cobblestone path lined with overgrown rose bushes in every shade you could think of.

They had almost gotten to where Frederic’s poor horse had been forgotten when suddenly, Jacques stopped. He stooped to pick a pale yellow rose.

“We don’t have time to admire the garden!” Frederic tapped his shoulder. “Do you want to be here when the beast gets back?”

Jacques straightened suddenly as they heard a low rumbling noise, almost like a growl. Frederic looked behind him, just in time to see the beast pounce. On instinct, Frederic raised his sword and pierced the beast straight through the heart.

***

Isabella didn’t get anymore sleep that night. No matter how hard she tried to forget, she could still hear her baby brother’s screams. Her father had been the first to perish in the fire. Her mother told her to grab Celeste, while she went to save Pierre. Neither of them made it out of the house.

After the fire, a Great Aunt took Celeste in and gave her proper care and education. Isabella had been sent to Jacques’ estate. He had taken her in gladly, and she had become fast friends with Lisabeth and Anastasia. Something about Ana had always been off, and though Ella had never received confirmation, she knew that she wasn’t the only child Fleora had ever beaten.

When Ella started to grow into a woman and Jacques’ trade drew him away from home more and more often, Fleora started to hate her. Now, Fleora’s horsewhip was a constant danger and her contempt a constant companion.

Ella got out of bed after hours of trying in vain to fall asleep. Her day wasn’t any different that usual. After a cold bath in the creek, she gathered the eggs, milked the cow, and fed all the animals. She wasn’t the only miad, and almost all of the staff had offered to take over this particular chore, but she loved the animals and she liked to work. She would much rather do laundry or bake than do needlepoint or endure afternoon tea with the same self-centered suitors that Fleora constantly had lined up for Ana and Lisa.

The only thing that she would change was the one thing she couldn’t- Fleora’s punishments.

Once the animals were fed, Ella tended the garden for a couple hours and went back inside. She then ate breakfast and started on the laundry. Fleora insisted that all her laundry be washed very specifically. First, Ella had to do it herself. Second, it had to be done with boiling water. Third, it had to be done by hand.

Ella’s hands were the least elegant part of her. They were fire-scarred, calloused, and rough from years of hard work.

In the afternoon, she cleaned around the manor and endured the abuse from Fleora, and endured the bandaging from Odette, which was nearly as painful. Finally, she ate supper and stole an hour or two of time alone to do her own laundry and read.

She never did her own laundry at the manor. No, this chore was reserved for the only place she actually felt safe on the property. There was a small pond behind the manor, about a quarter mile. The cool water soothed her worn hands, still raw from Fleora’s laundry.

She may sleep at the manor, but this was the only home she’d known since her innocence had burned before her eyes. Although Lisabeth and Anastasia provided her comfort, it could never come close to her fairytale childhood. The only place she felt herself again, like the little girl she had been before the fire, was the pond. It was very much similar to the one near her parents’ estate. It brought back memories of picnics and sunlit strolls, of days that were happy and carefree.

***

They found Jacques’ horse in the stable and walked back to the entrance to the overgrown palace grounds together.

“It was awfully considerate of the beast to keep your horse for you.”

Jacques chuckled.

There was a long but not uncomfortable silence.

“I don’t suppose you would stay to help me bury him?” Jacques glanced down at the body of the beast.

After a few hours of strenuous work, they had successfully buried the beast in a clearing in the forest. Jacques had placed the yellow rose on top of the grave, but he’s also picked another and placed it in his pack, which Frederic thought was counterproductive.

“I really must get home to my girls. I haven’t been home in months.”

They clasped hands and nodded at each other.

“This is goodbye, I presume.” Jacques said. “As I said before, you are welcome at my home any time.”

“Thank you for your kindness.” Frederic replied. “Safe travels.”

“You’re the one who saved my life.”

Frederic mounted his horse and started to ride. The sun started to set when he felt a searing pain. It was beyond anything that he’d ever felt. The stabbing sensation in his gut consumed him. He convulsed, falling off his horse. He began to change. Thick black fur sprouted from every pore, encasing his skin. His limbs grew more muscular and animalistic. His nose turned into a snout, his teeth to razor sharp fangs.

His scream was long and torturous, slowly transforming into the howl of a wounded beast.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 939
Reviews: 24

Donate
Thu May 25, 2017 4:32 pm
tammy777 wrote a review...



Hi there

Last time I reviewed on your first chapter but I didn't realize it is a novel. Nice done. I am eagerly waiting for chapter three but I request you not to end with romance and marriage sabot would make it a kind of stereotype one. I really want this story to be different rather than a simple sweet fairy tale. Hope you are working on it. I am pretty excited what is going to be in the next chapter. Hope I get to see it soon. I was wondering about it's ending. Should I suggest any ending if only you want? But I am sure you can do it better in your own way.

"Jacques left on his next business trip. Before he left, he made it clear that he would expect to know who Dax really was when he got back." Even I wonder what he does next when he will identify his reality but I am sure Isabella might be able to destroy the curse or will she become a victim of that beast. Hoping to see the new ending. Keep it up.






Thanks for the review! It's definitely not going to be the stereotypical happily ever after ending, though it may seem like it at first. ;)



User avatar
373 Reviews


Points: 46306
Reviews: 373

Donate
Thu May 25, 2017 2:11 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello again for chapter 2.

I'm seeing a mix of "Cinderella" and "The Beauty and the Beast" and this is really fascinating. I like the idea of whoever kills the bear becomes the bear--something I'd probably never think of.

So like I probably said in my previous review, some setting would be nice. For example, Isabella could be picking blackberries in a forest or the kitchen garden or anywhere (as long as the blackberries can grow there or something). The thing is, we don't know where. I'm guessing the outskirts of the forest but I am curious what it looks like. Long descriptions are boring, yes, and I (and possibly other readers) may skip them--but some description of the place can help with the atmosphere.

I'm glad to read that Isabella obeys Fleora and Anastasia because she is afraid to be punished and not because she is a very forgiving girl. And it makes me wonder: Why are they so nasty? I suppose jealousy can lead to these kind of things--but why would they demote her to servant status other than jealousy? Because I'm not sure jealousy would lead to that much--BUT I doubt myself. Jealousy can lead people to do horrible things, but is there any trigger that makes them more jealous of her beauty? Such as rich, powerful men trying to get Isabella's hand in marriage? Or those kind of men vying to dance with her? I don't know. Food for thought.

I really don't understand, though, why Jacques doesn't care for Anastasia and Fleora so much. I thought he doesn't notice her behavior because he's often gone. Is it because they are rather cold to him? Or Isabella's uncomfortable feelings of hanging out with them rubs off on him?

A nitpick: Jacques says he owns land, so maybe they have something like a "veranda" or something rather than a "porch". But it's lovely to eat outside. I'm being thinking, and perhaps the dinner could be lovely place for character interactions and conflict. It'll be interesting to know how Fleora and Anastasia would treat Isabella with Jacques there, and how Jacques is going to talk to everybody, and so on.

When I read the letter from John, I immediately thought of "The Beauty and The Beast". But I really liked the twist there. It also makes me wonder how Davonne ended up there. It feels strange. What confused me though, was Davonne's decision to go to Jacques' estate. Why? I know it's impulsive but I'm sure there is a basic line of reasoning there. And it also may be because "better way to see the world" is a little vague.

And last of all, in that scene, how does Davonne feel when he learns the curse is on him? Is he shocked? angry? saddened? happy? (I suspect not the last one,but put it there "just because"). Because I'm sure getting a curse on you must be really a shocking event.

The next scene (when he visits the estate) had a few POV violations (ignore if it's omniscient; I'm not expert in omniscient so if you're using it, sorry, I can't help you). If you're using deep third, I want to ask: Which POV are using? Both sound interesting. Isabella can go to the laundry and the events there may be interesting; while Davonne can arrive at the house, open the door, meet Isabella, and sit through the torture of the girls. Originally from Isabella's POV:

Davonne glanced at her warily. The lass was beautiful, but she was perceptive. That was not a good combination for the situation that he found himself in presently.


And then later jumps to Isabella guessing his identity. The running away from the Royal Guard is also keeping me interested and I hope I can figure out the backstory soon.

Perhaps I see a budding romance between Isabella and Davonne. The only thing I want to point out is that instant "Oh! She is so beautiful and I want to marry her" is one of my pet peeves and I am quite glad that isn't here. But coming again...and again...is he aware about how much attracted he is to Isabella or not? Is he only attracted by her looks or he also enjoys talking to her? Not sure if this bit is of help, because I don't write so much romance but I do encounter romance subplots in novels by the dozen.

And the end...this is a bit tension-y place and I'm looking forward to what happens next! Just as an overall, I feel as if some places can be expanded to show the scenes. For example, the end. Maybe there can be more tension if you show Jacques making clear that he wants to know who Dax really is. Another nice place is the porch dinner. But I don't know, because many fairytales tend to slide past those and concentrate on only the important bits. Whatever fits your story best :)

Well, I'll go to chapter 3 soon!

Image






Thank you so much for the review. It is supposed to be in omniscient, simply because I like showing all the sides to the story, but I don't like the restrictions of changing first-person POVs. I am planning on going back and expanding on the beginning, because when I wrote it I was rushing through it a bit. That's also the reason for the vagueness, I guess. But, this was great advice, and I will definitely take it. Thanks again. ;)



PrincessInk says...


Glad it helped!

By the way, I just want to let you know that you can swap POVs even in 3rd person. Switching POVs means that in one scene (or chapter), one character gets the POV, a different character for a different scene. (And then the POV cycles) Diving into different POVs in one scene will end up as omniscient POV. Maybe multiple POVs may not work in your story, but I did want to bring it up.

Sorry if my paragraph above already talked about things you knew about.





No, you pointed out some things that I hadn't noticed. I had already been planning on expanding the beginning once I finished, but I didn't see a lot of the issues, so thank you. :)




"We're just all nosy little busybodies."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi