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Young Writers Society


12+

Crystal Tears: Chapter One

by MarianaChristena


Chapter One

Isabella was the daughter of a wealthy Marquis, once upon a time. As she scrubbed the floors of a Comte’s estate in rags, she let a tear fall. The memories of her parents were slipping away, becoming more and more faded with each passing day.

The house felt much larger than her childhood home, though she knew that probably wasn’t the case. It was all white marble and cold silver and high ceilings. The house that was now nothing but ashes had been warm and full of life.

“Ella, darling,” A woman’s voice drawled.

It was Fleora, the woman who had taken her in. Well, the wife of the man who had taken her in. Isabella had loved her, at first, before she had grown beautiful and Fleora had revealed her own true nature.

Fleora wasn’t ill-looking, by any means. She had medium brown hair and deep brown eyes, a flawlessly polite smile, and dimples in her cheeks. She was slim and graceful- everything Isabella had wanted to become when she was younger. Now, she just wanted to be ordinary and safe. Maybe, if she was more plain, Fleora wouldn’t hate her so much.

“Yes, Fleora?” She called breathlessly, her dirty blonde hair falling out of a loose braid and into her eyes.

Fleora smiled coldly. “You missed a spot.”

***

Prince Frederic glanced behind him once more. The exultant smile on his face, the rush of adrenaline pounding through his veins- nothing could compare to this. He still couldn’t believe he had left the palace, in the middle of his mother’s luncheon no less.

He gave it a week. A week before his guilt overwhelmed him and he went back. He had run away before, but he had always returned a few hours later- as soon as they noticed he was missing. This time, he needed more than half a day of solitude.

The reason for the sudden flight was the contract that his father had made him sign the night before. It was a marriage contract, stating that he would announce a choice of bride at his birthday celebration in three months.

He had been riding the fastest horse in the kingdom, Roan, for a little over two hours when he heard the cries for help.

***

Jacques Aurmont was hurrying home to his wife and daughters when the beast emerged from the forest. It was a wolf-like creature, but it was much larger than anything Jacques had ever encountered on his many travels.

Jacques was frozen in fear.

“Do you know what I am, little man? Or have you humans forgotten the stories?”

A look of complete horror marred Jacques’ normally kind face. “You’re the beast of Jean-Pierre. But that’s just a story, invented to keep children out of the woods.”

“Do I look like a story?”

Jacques squinted. “You do rather look like a drawing in ink, like one in a book of fables.”

The beast didn’t look at all amused, but it also didn’t advance. “I am an abomination, but I am not fiction.”

Jacques tried not to look obviously terrified, but failed miserably. “What do you want? I carry some coin, but not much.”

“I don’t want your money. I want you to kill me.”

***

As Frederic followed the cries, a sense of dread settled in his stomach. When the abandoned castle came into view, he knew exactly where he was. It was the palace of Jean-Pierre. There were stories about a beast who prowled these woods and inhabited the castle. The cries for help were coming from there.

He tied his horse to a wrought iron fence post and crept around the back. He found a small barred window where he could hear the gradually quieting shouts the best.

“Hello?” He called. “Can I be of assistance?”

The cries stopped, then a timid male voice replied. “Can you get me out of here?”

“It may be possible. How did you get in there?”

“The beast,” The man’s voice trembled. “He took me here.”

Frederic didn’t bother responding. The man was probably half-starved and dehydrated or something. Hallucinations wouldn’t be that far of a stretch, given the circumstances.

“Do you remember how to get from the doors to where you are now?”

“Yes.” He said with conviction. “I remember exactly.”

***

Ella leaned back, giving her spine a bit of rest. She was exhausted beyond measure, but the day was far from over. She still had endless chores to do, endless insults to endure, and endless anger to repress. At least Jacques would be returning soon. Then she would get to play dress up for a few weeks, before he left again and she went back to being a servant.

She heard footsteps, but they didn’t belong to the mistress of the house. They were much too fast. No, they belonged to Lisabeth, one of Fleora’s daughters. Lisabeth treated Ella like a sister, even if Fleora treated her like a slave.

Sure enough, Lisabeth entered the room the very next moment. Her dark hair fell down to her hips in wild curls and her huge brown eyes danced with amusement. In Ella’s opinion, she was much prettier than her mother, if only because she was much kinder.

“Ana has a suitor!” She twirled around the room. “A village boy, nonetheless.”

Anastasia, Fleora’s older daughter, quickly followed Lisabeth into the room. “No, I do not.”

Lisabeth grinned. “You can’t lie to me, Ana.”

Anastasia looked to Ella for support. She just shrugged.

Anastasia was… complicated. She didn’t hate Ella, but she didn’t directly oppose Fleora like Lisabeth did. Ella knew she had her reasons for staying silent. In fact, their situations were much too similar for Ella to hold Ana responsible for Fleora’s wrath.

Lisabeth hummed a wedding march as Anastasia frowned at her.

“Why exactly do you think she has a suitor?” Ella asked.

“Because, I saw him with her.”

Anastasia rolled her eyes. “He delivers apples from the Verrier farm. I don’t even know his name. You’re just delusional.”

“Or bored.” Ella added.

“Or both,” Anastasia giggled. “Probably both.”

***

The man was crazy, Frederic had decided. He had described the directions clearly, but after that he had started rambling about the beast again. Every time Frederic told him to be quiet, he would just make an ominous statement, like “You doubt now, but there will be no time for doubts when you face it yourself,”.

Finally, Frederic had enough.

“Okay, I’m going to go in and get you out.”

“No!” The man cried adamantly. “It will see you. You have to wait until it’s left.”

“If I do,” Frederic said cautiously. “Will you stop talking about the beast?”

“Yes.”

“Great.”

There was a silence, then, “What is your name, good sir?”

Frederic was at a loss for words. He certainly couldn’t give his true name and reveal his identity. Suddenly, he remembered a childhood nickname given to him by his best friend.

“Ric.”

“Is that it?”

Frederic was puzzled by the man’s blatant curiosity. Most people about these parts kept to themselves.

“Uh, yes. That’s it.”

“Well, I’m Jacques Aurmont. And if we both miraculously survive, your are welcome at my estate anytime.”

Frederic strongly suspected that the man was going into shock, as he stopped talking and started breathing heavily.

“Stay awake,” Frederic said. “Keep talking about your estate. How far is it?”

“About half a mile. I’m returning home from a trading voyage.”

“What about your family? Do you have a wife?”

“Yes.” His voice was shaky, but it seemed he was no longer in imminent danger of losing consciousness. “And three daughters.”

“What are their names?”

“Fleora is my wife. My oldest daughter is Anastasia, then Lisabeth.”

“What about your other daughter?”

“Isabella. She’s not my daughter by blood.”

“Keep talking, Master Aurmont.”

“Her father was my cousin and best friend. There was a fire, and he perished along with his infant son.”

“Keep going.”

***

Isabella winced. The slashes across her back stung as Odette, one of the maids, cleaned them. Odette had dreamt of being a healer, before he father threw away their money and their reputation. Now, she was trapped in Ella’s personal hell.

So far, she’d done a great job. She was certainly better than Lisabeth had been when she used to have the pleasure of cleaning Ella’s wounds.

“Almost done, Lady Ella.” Odette said softly.

If Odette had a flaw, this was it. She insisted on calling Ella by a title, even after she’d seen her at her absolute weakest.

A tear slid down Ella’s cheek. “Please, don’t call me Lady. I am no more a lady than you. Less, in fact.”

Odette made a noise of protest, but didn’t say anything.

***

Frederic had been waiting for the alleged beast to depart from the place for hours. Jacques Aurmont seemed level-headed enough, but that wasn’t enough to convince the Prince.

Finally, halfway through the night, Frederic heard heavy, bounding footsteps.

His eyes widened. “What was that?”

A figure, shrouded in shadows, moved quickly to the forest. The clouds shifted, and the pale silver light of the moon broke through to reveal what the figure was. A wolf. But at the same time, it couldn’t have been. It was massive, larger than Frederic himself, with brown-black fur.

The top half of Jacques’ face could be seen through the barred window. “Do you believe me now?”


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Wed Jun 07, 2017 11:46 am
Adnan752 says...



Hi Adnan is here

Just like Tammy said I also thought was going to end like Cinderella but it was impressing and different but I have questions:
I can't understand why Royal Guards will caught him?
Why did Prince changed into howl he was not even infected?






Thanks for the review!



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Thu May 25, 2017 4:16 pm
tammy777 wrote a review...



Hi Tammy is here to review

First of all it is sort of fairy tale like Cinderella but gradually I started reading and in the end I was impressed. It is indeed a beautiful story with little twist and turn.

"He mounted his horse and started to ride. The sun started to set when he felt a searing pain. It was beyond anything that he’d ever felt. The stabbing sensation in his gut consumed him. He convulsed, falling off his horse. He began to change. Thick black fur sprouted from every pore, encasing his skin. His limbs grew more muscular and animalistic. His nose turned into a snout, his teeth to razor sharp fangs.

His scream was long and torturous, slowly transforming into the howl of a wounded beast." This I guess was the main twist. I fall for the tragic ending as it was unexpected. I am literally impressed and the words you used was not hard enough to understand so I guess people of all ages can enjoy this piece of writing. Moreover the prince was no doubt smart and intelligent but at the same time kind and descent who had no ill intention. But fate turns out to be cruel I wonder how Isabella is and dealing with her fate. Both the prince and Isabella are victims here and if we compare I think the prince had the worst one. I am really impressed and I would love to hear some more creative stories. Keep on writing.






Thank you for your review! ;)



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Thu May 25, 2017 1:24 pm
phoephernelia wrote a review...



This was great! not hard to read, but a bit hard to imagine. Maybe if you said something like, "even though it was almost midday, the forest was shadowy and menacing." Then have the conversation start with the beast. "Please, i can give you my money," would make a little more sense since the beast is hiding in the shadows. Then when he says, “Well, it’s good that I’m not human,” you can have him come out of the shadows and then grin. This could maybe prove the point of, “I will never destroy another human being,” by Jacques even stronger when he holds his code even after he sees him. But, hey, that's just how i would do it. everything else is very well written. I cannot wait for more!






Thank you! I will take your suggestions into consideration. ;)



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Thu May 25, 2017 9:44 am
zeroZyra wrote a review...



Heya, I want to return the favor seeing you helped me out. I saw that your story didn't have any reviews yet (at least when I saw it at 2 am). I might not be the best critique but I'll try my best to give my honest opinion.

The first thing I want to say is that the writing itself is really good. It was pleasant to read and I don't have anything else to say about it except it was good.

The beginning of the story kinda gave me a Cinderella vibe, with the fairy tale beginning and Isabella having to work hard for her kinda evil new mother.

The part where you described the prince transforming into the beast himself was really well done and that curse will probably make for some interesting story events later on.
Also why did the prince give a fake name? Why is he running from the guards? These are things that keep the reader thinking about, creating some mysterie, I like it.

Sorry if I don't really have any "critique" on your work. If there was a problem I probably wouldn't notice it anyway. Well at the least I hope I gave you some motivation to keep writing.






Oh, thank you so much! You are so sweet. ;)



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Thu May 25, 2017 4:13 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello Mariana, and welcome to YWS! I saw your third chapter in the Green Room and I thought, Why not just check out the 1st chapter! Seems as though I'll be the first reviewer. Just as a note, any questions I will ask is what I call "food for thought" so no pressure to respond with answers to them. :D

So the beginning of the story is has a fairy-tale style that I kind of liked. I enjoyed fairy-tales when I was younger and I still do! The beginning reminds me of a typical fairy-tale setting: a nice but rather clueless father and the evil stepmother (or foster mother) and the evil stepsister(s). I rather liked the other "nice" sister.

But I felt as though Isabella's story is rather irrelevant to this chapter. In fact, this could play out as an introduction to the story, or can be just cut and stored into backstory and later woven into the storyline. It also lacks an element too: what is Lisabeth's "role" in the backstory? The only thing I know is that Lisabeth is very close to Isabella. But while her mother and sister treats Isabella cruelly, what does Lisabeth do? Does she stand by and watch? Or will she try to comfort Isabella/confront her mother and sister?

I also like the way you didn't bombard the narrative with too many "said" tags; it's great to see some action beats. But I feel as if the beats have similar sentence structures (The "He did this" and the "She did this") and it's getting boring. It is difficult to do such things. In my WIP, I'm experiencing such a problem too, so you aren't alone :)

But I think there was a lack of setting. The only thing I knew about the whereabouts of the characters was a "forest". What kind of sounds are there? smells? sights? What kind of ground? trees? et cetra? There is obviously no need to fill in every single detail, but as a reader I would like to enjoy the atmosphere more. Setting can develop the atmosphere, the "feeling" for the scene.

A note on POV: I noticed a few POV violations (that is, if you're using deep third-person). If you're using omniscient, I just want to give you a heads-up to be careful not to head-hop. Omniscient is a rather tricky POV and often can end up with head-hopping if not executed well. On with the violations (more precisely two):

Jacques’s shoulders slumped forward. His single shining moment didn’t make any difference in the world.


The "single shining moment" isn't actually what the prince would think, right? I assume this segment is from the prince's POV and thus it doesn't make so much sense.

Jacques bowed as well as he could on a horse, and he spurred his horse forward a bit.


The Prince will not realize the effort Jacques made to bow to him?

One place of confusion: when Jacques immediately said, "I can give you money" to the bear. I suppose he imagined them as thieves or something but it still feels odd to me. It also may be because I don't see any dialogue tags around the early bits of the talk between Jacques and the bear. And I also don't feel Jacques's thoughts so much; perhaps some inner monologue may help me understand why he would do the money act in the midst of the blue.

It was an interesting--but slightly gruesome--twist that the bear wanted to be killed! I mean, why? Maybe we'll learn later. Either way, I'm fascinated by this. AND THE END--the prince turned into a bear too! I never imagined that would happen. This is a plot event that kind of hooked me (and I am biased toward a fairytale-like story too)! I'll be sure to check out the next few chapters. PM me if you want to talk to me about this and I hope I helped!

Image






Thank you! This really helped. :)




cron
If you are tired remember it's a sign that you haven't expired
— fatherfig