A/N: Hi! If you haven't read the prologue, then maybe this would be a little difficult to understand. On the other hand, I hope you enjoy this a lot!!! Thanks for the advice from those of you who gave it to me! Read on! ;)
I feel the fire burning my legs, even though it isn't. My mind flies around thinking about what had just happened a couple of hours ago. Me at my "home", monkeys running to attack me, me falling in my back trying to escape from them, no, the monkeys don't attack me, they climb the walls. I looked back with my hurting spine to find out about that a Tsunami was entering the tomb, I though I was going to drown. I didn't drown, luckily, but I did lost my food and sources. The fire I made has kept me warm for several hours now. I still can't believe I got here. I'm bleeding through my nose, I think -no, I know- it's broken, my spine hurts as you, not even me, could possibly think it can. I had to come here sliding all over the ground, my foot may be fractured.
I didn't had to work hard on the fire, the place I went had branches all over the ground. When I got to the surface, I slided to the closest hill possible. There were lots of trees, grass and shrubberies. The air was blowing really hard and was dropping down cocos, which I drank. I saw some caves close to that hill I was on; wolf caves. Do to the reason that in no time they would come out to search for food, I decided to move -slide more likely- to a safer hill. Then, I got here, a place that's fairly away from the wolves, or at least they won't be able to percive me from this location. This is an amazing hill, it has big and tall trees, I see birds flying from tree to tree and jumping all around the floor. Not far away to it's left there is a lake I can go to when I get thirsty. This is a quiet place, despite the singing birds above me. I've dedicated my day to make a fire from the branches on the floor and of course, surviving the wave. I really want to escape this unknown Island.
I need some rest. I lie down on the floor. "Ouch..." My tongue is swollen, perhaps I bit it during the wave process. I can see the leaves of the palms and trees... The color green is my favorite, I enjoy it's glow. The stars? There aren't any, only the half moon that's shinning bright in front of my coffee eyes. I start gaining sleepiness, and slowly my eyes start closing...
~Flashback~
The alarm blurts out announcing 7:00a.m. When I open my eye lids, I take one of the lasts few views I am going to give to my room. I am going to miss my wooded bed, my black desk, my leather chair, and my old toys... I haven't get rid of them, at least not yet, too much memories.
I localize the alarm-clock with my eyes. It is positioned at my bed table. I stretch my hand and place my index finger in the "snooze" button. Then I add pressure to it. When the alarm stops, I groan. "Ugh! Today's the big day. Why can't it be tomorrow?" I'm too lazy to wake up, or to actually get up from bed, but I do. When I'm out of bed, I stretch and yawn a bit, then I head to the bathroom, where I wash my mouth and take a warm shower. The Lukewarm water that comes out of the sink is a great way to start my morning. Makes me happy and calm, plus all the stress that comes with moving from your house to a completely unknown one, leaves with the water, or so it makes me think.
"Ale, hurry up sweetie." my mom says. She's been really nervous since I told her I won the scholarship. She always says that she has a bad feeling of me going to this flight. She always tells me to take the next flight, but my answer is always the same; 'If I go on this flight, when I get there means more time to get used to the place'. And it's true!
"Yeah, I'm almost finished!" When I get out of the bathtub, I put on the most decent clothes possible -which consists of black jeans, a floral T-shirt and pink converse. If I'm fast enough, I could reach the airport in no time!The last time I flew in an airplane, I was 3. I'm not that sure of where I went really... Maybe "Disneyland"? I put the resting clothes on my luggage and head downstairs to eat breakfast.
~End of Flashback~
I wake up slowly... I see everything double, pink, violate. I feel nausea coming up, but before I throw up, the sunlight lets me see something unusual... My foot and my nose are bandaged and my back feels slightly better. Far away between the trees I see a young man, not far from my age, fitting two wolves. He's probably going to die... I black out.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,690 Literary Works • 672,653 Reviews
hey marde!!!!!
!!!!!
I really liked your story. I think its pretty good for a first chapter. The of making flashbacks is great, but I think they should be longer. In the end I was pretty confused. You could have done a better ending 'cause i know your type of writting. And I cant wait for the next chapter
Your BFF Ari <3
I'm back for your second Christmas review! Hopefully this can be helpful to you.
Well first of all, I have to say I DEFINITELY like that the tsunami disaster brought us the potential for some human conflict. We finally have another person on the island! Of course it's still going to be difficult writing forward, because people on a daily basis interact with SO MANY people, that having just one guy out there will sill be pretty isolated. Anyways, it's cool to see him out there, but I'm not sure I quite believe that if she saw a guy getting attacked by wolves, she would only think, "Wow, he's probably going to die". I don't even think he could be fighting them. If he's fighting, if you want the readers to believe he has any chance of surviving, he should probably have a makeshift weapon. Maybe he picked up a piece of wood or was hanging on to something from his own disaster that he can use against them.
Again, be careful with your language. One of the biggest mistakes in this section was when you were working with past or perfect tenses. It's good you write mostly in present tense, because you seem to be solid on most of those verbs, but pay special attention when you have to speak about the past. Here are some examples!
When we use a helping verb like "did" or "can" or "want to", we don't change the main verb. So instead of "did lost" -- "did" is already past tense -- you want to write "did lose".
The same problem here. Remember that "did" is already the past tense of "do", so you don't have to change the second verb. You'll just say "I didn't have to work hard".
And here's just an irregular verb. You kinda just have to memorize these! The past of "slide" is not "slided" but "slid". D: haha.
One other thing I really like is that you seem to have the island really well thought out in your mind. I have some questions, of course: like how did wolves come to be on that island? How big is it and what kind of fruit grows there besides coconuts? Where does the fresh water in the lake come from? But other than those and a few other questions, I like that you have set out important places, like the tomb -- whose tomb?! -- that serve as clear markers of location on an island the reader doesn't know as well as the main character.
Welp, that's all I have for now! Keep writing and good luck~
If you have any questions or comments about my review, contact me by way of PM, please!
See ya~
Hey!
So, I see from your picture and your writing that you're a huge "Tomb Raider" fan (I am too). I like that you're coming up with your own story about surviving a mysterious island! It could turn out very well!
However, there are a few clerical errors in your writing, which I think "Birkhoff" pointed out pretty well! But besides the spelling errors I like your story!
I'm excited to find out where you will take it, and what will happen to your character!
Keep Writing!
Love the clift hanger! This story is really instresting. I can't wait for the next chapter. Over all, its just typos (That happens to everyone) bringing the story down.
I personally love this storty, so please update soon! The idea of this story is great.
You have a great vocabally, very impressive. Good grammer.
I love your style, it flows easily.
Kaeep up the good work!
Xoxooxoxos,
Loe Katy.
Hey Marde!
Comma overload! I would rework the entire text around this.Stranded on a desert island, that's always exciting. It gives oppurtunities to portray strange, lush and dangerous environments as well as great character development. However, the story you have here has quite a bit of issues though. I'll go over what I think.
I read your prologue and while it did have it's moments, there was one big problem I had with it. Namely, you skip over giant periods of time. She's stranded on a desert island, wouldn't it be interesting to see how she adapts to this new life? Instead of skipping over it (am I watching Cast Away?) to 2 years later.
Well, from what I've seen from this character so far, I refuse to belive she has survived for 2 years on this Island. After such a prolonged time your character should have matured quite a bit. This is a big flaw.
Now again, I'm not sure what time of day it is, night or day? In the prologue it is sunlight, but here she is looking to the stars. This happens right after the prologue, right?
shining - quick typo. And what the heck are coffee eyes?
This is terribly clumsy.
Next up you have a flashback, which you outright announce. It's also a bit out of place as flashbacks should always follow a strong scene. The content of the flashback feels a bit boring as well, but for the sake of backstory and character build, acceptable.
Wait, her mother's name is Emily? In your prologue you said your MC and Natalie bonded over trashing Emily's clothes. I'm going to assume it's not the mother, so try not to use same names for characters. A story about John, Johnnie, Jack and John is just going to confuse people.
Remember continuity, as you write she takes a shower, but later say she exits the bathtub.
fighting two wolves. Quick typo.
I realize I may seem harsh here and you may think I don't like your story. But it's quite the opposite, I really like it. Problems aside, this can turn into an interesting story given enough time and creativity. It will also be interesting to see how your writing improves as you continue these works. And they will.
Looking forward to reading those.
Cheers
Birkhoff
Holy Crap of a cliff hanger my dear friend! Loved the way you write. I supposed you could give us more info an the scholarship and how she got it. Great job can't wait for the next part!!!
This was really good! I like the structure and there are only a few edits I would suggest.
1. Instead of saying that "it is positioned at my bed table." Say "It's positioned on my bed table."
2. Secondly, I think you for got a space between "If I'm fast enough, I could reach the airport in no time!" and "The last time I flew in an airplane, I was 3."
3. The last thing is that I don't think you need a comma between the words "airplane" and "I was 3."
Other than that, it was awesome! You left me wondering who this strange boy is...