Hi there!
Creeeepy...
I have to say I really enjoyed reading this. The story gripped me right away and I couldn't pull myself back out again. I was there with the narrator as they wandered through this tunnel. I felt their frustration. I was inside their head. This is a great story.
While most people would tell you that you should've given the narrator a name and gender and/or something to identify them with, I'm going to say that I'm glad you didn't. It really adds to the mystery of the story. Not only that, but it fores us to feel compassion towards the narrator. The narrator is all we know; the only outcome possible for us is that they make it out of the tunnel, because that's what the narrator wants. Once there's a name and a face we'll be more inclined to judge. Maybe we'd even end up rooting against them. Then the entire piece would be lost on us.
The tone of this piece is very serious. You did a good job keeping that fear and mystery prevalent throughout There wasn't a moment where this story slipped into something even a bit more light. It's heavy and dark and just wonderful.
Just wanted to mention that it seems like this review will be me isolating almost every paragraph to talk about. Sorry not sorry :3
I want to talk about the second character here for a second; the man who told the narrator about the tunnel. I apologize in advance for taking out such a huge chunk, but I want to underline some things in this paragraph:
I exhale roughly and a lump starts to form on my throat. I didn't want to go back. I never wanted to go back. But... Did this really ever have an end? I remember that insane-looking man, that night, two years ago. He had told me that there was a way out. He assured me that someone had once found it. But that was long ago. A sob escapes my mouth and I feel like punching the wall again. There has to be a way out. I remember that night he had said, "Are you sure? This trade... It's not worth it." I can't quite remember what I said next, but it’s obvious I agreed to the trade. It was either me or my mom. Now if I want to escape that trade I must find a way... A way... A way... Out.
Red: So wait, this man told her how to escape on the first day she was there? That seems a bit odd. And to think that she remembered how long ago it was. I'm imagining her being somewhere not very comfortable (especially if she's trying to escape like this) with barely any knowledge of what the day, or anything like that, is. Of course, I could be completely wrong. That's the beauty of stories like this. Anyway, I'd find it more realistic if the man told her after a while, maybe once he started seeing her not liking it. Those kind of details aren't going to make it into your story because they're not important to the story you're telling, but it's good to have that backstory for yourself. The sentence could end up reading something like this: "I remember that insane looking man who told me there was a way out, that someone had escaped once. I haven't seen the man since then. I'm not sure what convinced me to believe him, but his words have stuck with me ever since." That's how I would write it, but of course you would write something like that completely different. I just wanted to give an example. See how that doesn't have any time tags? There's nothing attached to it, which forces the reader to infer. It's always good to make them think. Not to mention it's another mystery, if you will, because who the heck is this man anyway? And why does he look insane? We will never know :3
Green: I don't really understand the "Are you sure" question. I feel like there's a definite something missing. The narrator mentions that this man told her of a way out. Never did they mention that they had a conversation with the man or considered staying wherever they are. So the question at the beginning of this dialogue just leads to more questions, ones that will never be answered/really aren't important in the grand scheme of the story.
Blue: This is probably more nitpicky than anything. When I imagine a sob, it's out of extreme sadness or someone realizing that all is lost. Punching the walls would be out of frustration or complete anger. Those two images don't really go well together. I'd say choose one or the other. Is the narrator frustrated or ready to give up?
I walk a few steps to the nearest end of it, but I already know what will happen in a while. This tunnel... It expands. The more you walk the more it expands, taking either side of it will eventually lead nowhere because there's no real end. It's eternal, but night is not eternal. Night will end, and as soon as it does I'm back to that dreadful room.
Sorry to pull out another chunk, but I want to focus on this paragraph. So this tunnel is something mysterious, yes? We don't know what it is or why it's there and the narrator only knows that this is the way to escape. There's too much information in this paragraph, taking away from the mystery and the tone. Short stories like this are all about being simple and ambiguous. This paragraph could easily be reduced to just a few sentences. Take the second and third sentence; they basically say the same thing: the tunnel expands. That information can be given to us in just one sentence. And it doesn't really need to be expanded upon. If the tunnel expands, then it expands. If the tunnel expands only as someone walks farther, then that's what we need to know; it expands as you walk.
Now look at the fourth and fifth sentences. I really like this image and the metaphor/comparison to night. (I can't tell if it would be considered an actual metaphor or not. I'm so good at this reviewing thing... xD) You've taken one image -- the tunnel -- that is eternal and another image -- night -- that will come to an end and you put them together. This tunnel may never end, but the night will and it's imperative that the narrator escapes before night ends or else it's back to that room. However, the comparison could be much more powerful.
It's eternal, but night is not eternal. Night will end, and as soon as it does I'm back to that dreadful room.
Another way to word this could be: "Quite unlike the night, this tunnel will never end. When the darkness lifts and night ends, I'm back to that dreadful room." Again, there are a lot of words in this sentence which distract us from the full effect of your words.
So the narrator has been making their way down this tunnel for 730 days straight. Wouldn't they be less affected by it, in a way? They know that there's probably not even a way out. They haven't even reached a possible way out. They know that the walls will expand. What else is there to be afraid of and frustrated by? Like I said, I absolutely love your concept and the story. After reading it through a few times however, I feel like you chose the wrong part of the narrator's life to be telling it. Why not the first time they made it down the tunnel? Or a week after? They'd be more desperate and terrified at that point rather than two years later. It just seems to me they might be a bit desensitized to the whole thing.
Another dreadful man looking at me with a crooked smile and wide black eyes.
Another dreadful man? We haven't even seen one before this
Lovely cliffhanger. I approve 1000%
This story is really powerful. I like how you focused just on the tunnel and that moment in time. There is a lot more to this story, but it's not important. The only important thing is the tunnel. I want to know where the narrator is, who they are, who this man is at the end, why the narrator is trapped, etc etc, but I don't need to know that. Everything you've told me is exactly what I need to know. Especially for this being a shorter piece, you put a lot of emotion into it and really conveyed the narrator's frustrations well.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
A looooooooooot!!!
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Reviews: 1417
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