Published September 26, 2011
The nights stride of a young man; uncertain of what sanity he has left. For he as an artist, there is no line between the right nor wrong and he could look through the eyes of a child or an old man. The cataclysm of somewhat hard to reach places of his mind where he stores his most basic thought and he escapes the world around him to the darkness of his own.
He would hum to himself, thinking about his secondhand old rags of clothing wrapped around him. He would still feel the wet on his sleeve of red paint, easily mistaken for blood. But he knows the truth behind what mark might be left and would wipe away the care of anybody that might stop to look and wonder.
Like his thoughts as comparison to a song writer or a humble monk, he is different to his surroundings and finds peace in what he creates.
He might even stop in his tracks, give one muffled cough and turn back on his heels to walk a different path or return to one of his recent destinations. A movie perhaps or a short story of his every step he might think. For this is his world and in his mind he can create whatever he needs. He is the painter of his own life and feels that every movement to his fingers might let go of something magical.
Such a nice word he thinks as he repeats it to the world in his own words: “magical”
Sliding his hand over the nearest wall, as if more than a second ago before his touch it might not have even exist.
His pants loosen and holding on as if that of an homeless child and worn through sneakers fitted on his bare feet. Long hair oiled down but still somewhat curled and on some parts stuck on his face.
One would think that this man is the soul survivor of the war. Waiting for days in a shelter without any food or water and praying for his god to save his life.
But he knows he is more than that. He is a child of the free and the director his own life scene.
He is the painter…
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Hi there! Welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy it!
But on to the story at hand. I agree with sargsauce. It ain't a story really, but just the author talking about a single character and it doesn't really go anywhere. It has no ending. But that doesn't make it bad, it was quite good what you wrote. But writing is a complex art and as readers, we'd like for a story take us somewhere. For me it didn't.
But keep writing. The only was is up.
~ T.K
I'm going to focus on nitpicks, because there are a lot of little things that we need to work through before we get to the grander scheme.
What? What's a nights stride? Is there supposed to be an apostrophe? Even then, what is a night's stride?
Semicolons (these guys ; ) are meant to separate two independent clauses that are closely related. Or in common words, it separates two complete sentences that are intimately connected. For example, "I had studied Latin for nothing; no one spoke it in Latin America." Those are two complete sentences that are closely related. But "The nights stride of a young man" and "uncertain of what sanity he has left" are not even sentences on their own. The whole thing isn't even a sentence. I know, I know, fragments are considered style, but the use of the semicolon leads me to believe this was just arbitrary.
"right or wrong." "Neither/nor", "Either/or", have to go together...or it's just plain "or." You gain nothing with the "nor."
Do you mean "chasm"? Cataclysm means a violent occurrence that affects the world. Chasm is a place.
Only one thought?
You're missing some words here and there. The literal meaning of this sentence is lost.
You're doing a lot of what is called "telling" instead of "showing." For example,
"Jane is the craziest person I have ever known" <--that's telling
"Jane punches cats in the face and launches diapers at buses" <--that's showing
You can tell us things, but we have no reason to believe you. It's not compelling. You can tell us how nice you are, how understanding, how funny. But unless you show us how--give us a reason to believe you--then we'll just brush off the words and say "eh"
Again, you're missing some words, so the actual meaning of the sentence is unknown.
And now you have extra words. We know what you are saying, but the tense is wrong or there are too many words. For starters, "it might not have even existed" is the first change I would make. Take a moment to pause, think clearly through the sentence, and then write down how it should properly be said. If English is your second language, then perhaps you should tone down the complexity of the sentences.
I'm not going to detail the rest of the lines that don't read as they should or don't entirely make sense. Just take time to proofread to make sure you're saying what you mean to say and that it makes sense.
All in all, what you have here isn't a story, but a sketch of a character. And you only illustrate one facet of him: He is mysterious and creative. Okay, what else? How is his love life? How does his family take his eccentricities? Is he successful? How does he deal with his supposed insanity? Overall, what I mean to ask is....what is his story? Give us a story? A conflict, a dilemma. We all have them. So what's the painter's? The best way to flesh out all facets of your character is to thrust them into conflict. So do that, give us something to chew on, and clean up the language, too.
I appreciate the complex subject you are attempting to address, but you need to slow down a bit and take it step by step.
Firstly: '...and the director his own life scene.' Shouldn't that be 'OF his own life scene'? And also, there are lots of errors in paragraph six. Secondy, I loved this. I really loved the second paragraph and the last two. The writing quality is brilliant, and the character is extremely intriguing. The opening sentences really started it off, and the closing one definitely summed it up. Fantastic work!
-Anna
P.S Welcome to YWS! I haven't been here long either, but for your first post, this really is great! Keep writing, I'd love to read more.