Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
I sat outside on a bench, the hood over my head providing no protection from the rain which drenched my hair and clothes. My breath turned to mist as I took shallow, shaky breaths. The frigid weather had no effect on me. I could sit out here in a tank top and shorts, while other people were probably freezing their asses off. Just shows how much I wish to die. I looked around, making sure that there was no other people close by, then cautiously rolled my sleeves up, glancing at the scars and cuts on my arms.
"No," I whispered to myself. "I can't keep doing this." Looking away, I quickly rolled my sleeves back up, obscuring the cuts and masking my pain once again. But I knew that as soon as I arrived at my house, I'd go right back to the blade. I had nothing more to do, so I just sang a song;
I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
To always forgive me
Ride or die with me
That's just what gangsters do
I'm fucked up, I'm black and blue
I'm built for all the abuse
I got secrets that nobody, nobody, nobody knows
I'm good on that pussy shit
I don't want what I can get
I want someone with secrets that nobody, nobody, nobody knows
I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
To always forgive me
Ride or die with me
That's just what gangsters do
My freakness is on the loose
And running all over you
Please, take me to places that nobody, nobody knows
You got me hooked up on the feeling
You got me hanging from the ceiling
Got me up so high I'm barely breathing
So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me, don't let me go
I need a gangsta (gangsta gangsta)
To love me better (love me, love me better better, baby)
Than all the others do (they do, they do, they do, oh, oh, oh)
To always forgive me (always forgive me)
Ride or die with me (ride or die with me)
That's just what gangsters do (do, oh)
Nothing would change what had happened, and I knew that. "Nice voice," I whipped around and saw...
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
So basically....I forgot to post this as a review so here I am again!! Hopefully this is actually long enough to be a review but I guess I'll see!
Be prepared to see me in the future!!:)
Hey Mang!! I'm here for a review since it is review day!!
I'll start off by saying that it was pretty good. I was never lost or confused with the way you wrote. I struggled a little with the song because it was basically the whole chapter. But that could be just me lol. I like your cliffhanger because now I'm trying to figure out what is going to happen next. It's a good way to hook your readers in. I definitely am so hurry up and write more! lol
One thing that kind of sucks is that there is not a lot to review.
Hey Mang!! I'm here for a review since it is review day!!
Be prepared to see me in the future!!:)
I'll start off by saying that it was pretty good. I was never lost or confused with the way you wrote. I struggled a little with the song because it was basically the whole chapter. I like your cliffhanger because now I'm trying to figure out what is going to happen next. It's a good way to hook your readers in.
One thing that kind of sucks is that there is not a lot to review.
Hi Anice here for review^^
This would be the first chapter I suppose. Right, where to begin?
Honestly I usually don't read romance fantasy genre, and even if I read any of these now, it's either intense or magical realism kind. I hope it would be what I expect from it in the future though. Something with substance.
The beginning can't predict any stories quality so no comment on that. But I couldn't agree much on your style of cliffhanger. Cliffhangers are much more affective when they are subtle. When emotions are heightened and then snap, there, it's here cliffhangers are most successful. At this point of story I am neither emotionally connected to the protagonist nor any character (it's the first chapter) nor i care enough for them. The use of cliffhangers at this point is useless. Basically the whole chapter should be sort of pulsating with intense emotions so that readers would be themselves intrigued about what happened next.
Apart from this I think the charachters were solid. They appeared as breathing characters but here again more details, imagery and actions would have sufficed to make the prose more intriguing.
This one thing though I would like to suggest. There should be a para break in the midst of these two sentences" ....how much I wish to die. I looked around..." It would make the flow of thoughts much more lucid.
Apart from this I wish you luck and wish you can keep writing this story since prose writing really needs dedication to continue. And I hope I was helpful. I will be looking forward to your next chapter and thanks for sharing!
Hey there @Mangline, 'Tato here for a review...
First of all, I must say the way you write is impeccable. I think I am almost in tears right now, sitting in my History class, in front of everyone, I am ready to cry... That's a good thing, considering the fact that it takes a lot to make someone like me cry. I love the way you left your audience in suspense when you drop off your sentence at "I whipped around and saw..." I sincerely hope that you are going to finish this with something someday, but for now, I am forced to have my own opinions. Right now, I am thinking something like "I whipped around and saw the one person who I knew from that moment would love me until the day I died." I hope you don't believe there is nobody out there who won't love you, but if you do feel that way, I know how that feels to think that, and if you need someone to talk to, I am here for you. Please feel free to PM me anytime. Oh! By the way, welcome to the Young Writers Society! I know you will feel right at home here, and that's how it should be. Anyways, I hope you have a great day and write more soon. Happy writings, and readings. 'Tato out!!