Just because they look cute does't mean they
ARE
So dreams become nightmares, and
they crawl along a path of checkered
hallways to hide the pain of '87's infamous killing...
... where 5 kids go missing...
... when maggots eat away in their suits...
... while blood leaks from every nook and cranny of
fur and plastic...
.... he's still here while they roam...
... laughing...
... bleeding...
... watching...
...he knows you're here...
.... because it's me...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello my friend, NympheaLily here!
Aw yeah, Five Nights at Freddy's! Love this game and the storyline so much! Right, to the poem. If you're not a Five Night's at Freddy's fan, you probably wouldn't get some of the things in the content. For example, you seemed to seamlessly put in every aspect of the gaming series that show any kind of importance. The bite of '87, the five murdered kids, "it's me", the checkered hallways of the pizzeria, you name it!
Some questions about the writing;
Who is he? I'm assuming you're talking about Purple Guy or one of the animatronics. Or maybe even the Marionette, but that's doubtful.
When you mention the part about maggots, the wording confused me just a tad. Maybe give it a more straightforward sentance structure?
That's all I have for you today! Happy Holidays and as always, KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily
I LOVE fnaf. And I was writing it to the Purple Guy and the Animatronics. Thanks, though.
Hey, here to review your short poem. At the beginning I noticed the first line, which begins with so. I almost imagined as if someone was talking to me casually, as if they were about to say something like, "so she did this and I was like..". I would suggest changing that unless you don't mind it. Perhaps instead something like
Dreams becoming nightmares.
Crawling along a path of checkered
Something like that, perhaps?
The where 5 kids go missing part seems kind of just thrown into there and it broke the flow. You also said when maggots eat away in their suits, wouldn't you mean maggots eating through their (descriptive word) suits?
I think if you put it more into the scene, if you understand what I mean, it would be easier to read and the rhyme would flow more. Such as the line
"while blood leaks from every nook and cranny"
To make it flow it could be: blood leaks through every nook and cranny.
Anyways, hope this helped!
Thank you!
Look above the picture. There's a sentence there.