Published November 8, 2010
You make me wonder, how does your mind work?
Mine works fine yet you make me go berserk.
Your words, they crush every bone in my body
Always making me feel like I am a nobody.
I can hear every little whisper that you sneer
Losing everyone I love just by being here
Why must you make me hate you?
Because you're doing a good job, it's true!
I want you to fall down as I'm bashing your head
But I am smashing the dry wall at home instead.
So, before you go on making people feel like mud,
Just remember me with my fist wrapped in blood.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Thank you very much. I changed it up a bit. You have helped me greatly.
Final Analysis: A good poem that has potential, if reviewed a few more times and maybe a few phrases are re-worded or lengthened or elaborated. I felt that in reading this I could sense the true raw emotion in it, yet as far as understanding it, I sometimes was lost. Emotion, even truelly raw and uncontrolable emotion, has a structure, kind of. It's the job of the writer, poet, or song writer to feel that emotion, every ounce of it, and then project it, whether as smack poetry or a story about two people fighting or a song about loving too hard. Once you get the idea of creating structure in emotion, there's nothing you can't write.
Never stop writing or feeling, because every great poet and writer shares at least one thing in common: they never stop feeling or being.
Zac (A.K.A. The Walkin' Dude)