"Welcome to the factory, I will be your tour guide."
A monotone voice said from behind my back, it's humanoid structure towering over me.
"Now, get up, I would prefer not to spend all day trying to wake you up."
Then I got a better look at the thing, from it's flat face protruded a red dome, it went well with it's yellow armor.
"Ugh, why do you look like something out of a awful horror movie?"
The thing responded, saying clearly, in a logical sense.
"Ah yes, the mask, you see, if I were to take it off in front of you, well, humanity would be in grave danger, and I would probably be having a long meeting with Mrs. MOAB."
So I got up and started walking, I was on a long, metal bridge, and about 40 feet away, there were machines working, but soon I noticed it was boiling hot.
"And before you ask, this is the incinerator room, so let's get a move on before you suffer the same fate as your relationship."
Not long afterwards, I bumped into a large vault, so I asked a simple question.
"What is in here?"
I asked with concern in my voice, so he responded with a very simple statement.
"Oh, only the ugly paper people call currency, nothing of actual value in there."
So I walked, dire to find my way out, when I found a very convenient door.
"What are you doing, I haven't even introduced the company yet,"
With that response, I promptly stated, frustration in my veins.
"What company, the only one here besides me is you!"
I said as I opened exit door, only to find a lava pit, so, like any intelligent person would,
I leapt into the pit, but before I fell, a hand grabbed my neck.
"Now, now, leaving your employer, how rude, but I have a solution, you are now to be, evicted."
The being said as he dropped me into the lava pit, I could feel the breeze around me stop as I barely touched the lava.
The next day I woke up, a balcony stood 10 feet above me as I went into the ruined house, there was one piece of voicemail on my phone so I listened.
"Hello, I hope you and your friends feel good about the house you just tore up, which is mine, because according the your age group, you feel that you are entitled to avoiding the law. But, sense you are alone in the house, I have called the police, and don't bother running, all of the doors are locked from the inside. and I have called the police, now tell me, was that dose of LSD really worth it?"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi MandlynProductions,
Mailice here with a short review!
An interesting short story you've written here, where at first glance I wasn't immediately sure where we were, but I think the helplessness that the main character has in the story also comes across well to the reader.
First of all, I find it very intriguing that we have a structure here that seems a bit staggered with the sections, which I think is kind of good, but also irritating, so I'm not sure if this is meant to be or not.
I like the structure of the dialogue that we have here and how it results in the main character getting a bit more personality with each new sentence. I think you've put the most effort into that. But what I still miss a bit are more descriptions. You start off with some good ideas, but I miss more of what it looks like. Here, for example:
The main character talks about a horror movie, but the description before that is very short and I think you could have gone into much more detail to make the whole thing a bit scarier, or at least more detail so the reader can get a better picture.
Since the resolution of the story comes towards the end, I was a bit puzzled because I think we're in a kind of climax there and you're just skipping over that mountain top very quickly.
Otherwise I like the story, especially in combination with the title and the structure.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Greetings from The Swordsman,
This story was...interesting. The idea that it was all just a really bad LSD trip really was an intelligent way to go. But...it is really choppy. The story doesn't really flow from one piece to the next. Some questions I have about this:
Why would the main character go into the ruined house? I mean...if he destroyed the place, and even if he doesn't remember destroying it, It isn't his house, he obviously can tell that. Then he checks someone else's voicemail. It makes it all very confusing.
Some corrections,
"Ugh, why do you look like something out of a awful horror movie?"
- '...a awful...' should be '...an awful...'
"...because according the your age group,..."
- should be 'according to your age..."
Over all it is a good start, there is some things in here that could really make this into a fantastic story. Thank you for sharing.
Happy Writing!
Well, for the part about it being choppy, I did that purposely because LSD trips are usually choppy. (Not being said from experience) And he wen't into the antagonist house because he didn't know what to do. And besides, after falling from a balcony, I doubt most people would be willing to jump the gatesurronding the antagonist house. And the voicemail was on his phone, his was the only one there. I hope this explains some of the details that confused you in the story
Hello, dankmemelord here!
Praise: I loved this short story. This was well written and interesting to read. I was intrigued the whole time and just wanted to keep reading. You had no grammar mistakes which is great. Also your plot was very interesting and unique.
Suggestions: I feel like you should add a little bit more to it because I am really confused about the whole factory thing. I think it was a dream. Maybe you should add some background of how and why the ruined this house. Also when you say "The thing responded, saying clearly, in a logical sense." I think it would sound good if you changed it form the thing to it.
Overall, this was a well written and interesting short story. I enjoyed reading it and I can't wait to read and review more of your work.
Goodbye, have a nice day!
P.S I noticed that you were new so welcome to YWS if you have any questions feel free too ask!
-Dankmemelord
Why did the protagonist ruin the house, well, while you are purposely possessed by LSD, the hallcuations are often so realistic you can't tell what is and isn't real. So, the protagonist had no idea what he was doing and trashed the antagonist residence.
Thanks that really cleared it up!
Hmm, you haven't been reviewing my work for some time.
Sorry I don't get on here that often if there is something you want me to review then just ask.
Why should I tell YOU what to review, you are a sentient being and are able too o choose what to review.