Published July 6, 2011
This is a relatively shorter work, but it's deeply personal. I hope you enjoy it.
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Standing on my roof, all alone.
All I need is someone
to help me home.
But you’re the only one left,
And you’ve also walked out.
I’m not asking for sympathy,
‘Cause it’s all my fault;
All I’m asking for is a friend,
To help me find my way home,
Please don’t leave. Don’t go.
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Concept is perfect, it just wasn't displayed as well as it could have been. The emotion was flat partly because of the unnecessary rhymes. This can be really good if you better incorporate personal experience and other things to add to the emotional impact.
Veritas
Personal experiences, dreams, can all be a source of inspiration. Channelling your personal experiences in writing is a good skill. With that said, I agree with the previous comments in the sense that development would help expand the scope of the poem. Poems can very in length but it is the substance that matters most. Channelling emotions to further expand the substance in this poem will only benefit the impact it has on your readers.
Sincerely,
Elitehusky
I understand the simplistic style, however I also feel that the rhymes are unnecessary and really hold back the feeling of the poem. It's personal and you feel a lot for this, however it's rather unemotional right now. I would work on that.
The concept is a good idea, I'd just work on the poem a wee bit more.
-Nana
I find the poem very simplistic, but I think that was what you were going for. Even if you use that style, though, in my opinion it could still use a few changes of vocabulary here and there just to increase the emotion behind it. It also might benefit this way from a few more details about what exactly you're feeling, or even physical details.
Personally I feel like the rhyming took away from it, almost like you were holding back because you could only use certain words. Maybe you should try writing about the same subject, using the roof theme, but just write freely just to see where it takes you.
Generally, though, I can tell it's personal and I think it's a good idea with a lot of potential.