Published June 25, 2011
I’ve had this thought
In the back of my head
It’s concrete love, it’s thick as lead
With all my change
Strange
Feels like I’m moving backwards at the speed of light
So, you ask me quietly
Nobody else can hear
Why don’t you cry, elementally
Reduced to dense
No sense
Of all the feathers breaking the walls free
Come on say it all
I’ll prove it to you
How far I’m fucking sinking
Down, down, down, through
Blue
The spectrum crushes me and lies there blinking
Take the goddamn weight
Off my shoulders, lead
Is taking me to the Gate
In the back of my mind
Blind
To all the times I drowned beneath your hate.
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139,374 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Thank you for all the reviews, I appreciate every comment.
Wow. This is a very different and unique poem, but I really liked it! I really like the fact that you don't use much punctuation. Cour'se, I'm biased; I don't either. But it suits this poem. Anyway, great job; this was a very interesting read. It contained a lot of emotion, which I love!
TS
Hello. First off,I Really like this poem. The emotion is clearly conveyed but at the same time lets the readers mind wander to their own feelings. Nitpicks:
this will improve the flow to the reader.1. Punctuation! You have some but there needs to be more!
2. I noticed that your rhyming changes between the first stanza and the second. Not exactly something to change, just something I noticed.
3. Another thing that doesnt necessarily need to be changed,
The rest of the stanzas use one word. Just a note.
I believe that's it. I like that you made it so simple and I like the general flow. It's pretty and sweet.
Keep Writing.
Hello there! First off, this is a very interesting poem. I haven't really read any thing like this before. So, good job with that.
^ This first stanza was great. It really rolled off my tongue and urgued me to continue to read. However, reading the next stanzas made me a little disappointed. They did not as easily roll off my tongue as the first. And I really did not expect to read the f word in here - due to that you rated this poem 12+. BUT I still enjoyed reading "Lead" because it made me think. And not a lot of poems do that for me. Overall, good job and I'll be sure to check out more of your works.
Keep writing!
~ JustMe