Published July 1, 2011
Crash.
It’s all it takes.
Like gravity, like madness,
Just a little push:
And everything leaves.
You’re paralyzed.
You can’t breathe, speak or live,
It’s all gone.
Taken in a flash, an instant,
Broke you, then left.
Your ribs dig into your lungs
And air is cut off, forever.
You choke on the splinters,
Your chest explodes in pain,
Took the air away,
Nothing in your legs;
No blood rushes to support.
Just flesh and bone,
Crushed beneath the weight,
Your arms follow.
Your head is blinded,
Your thoughts no longer thoughts.
Just a mess of love, hate and indifference-
There’s no telling anymore.
It’s pierced too deep.
Search for your heart.
It’s gone.
Where’s it gone?
It’s not with you, not taken or broken,
It was never there,
They took it,
They always had it, wouldn’t give it up,
Held it for themselves.
Didn’t want to let go;
Or never knew.
Why did it go?
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139,319 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Thank you to everyone who reviewed - I can definitely see all my mistakes and it's nice to know that they can be fixed relatively quickly. Especially thanks to Toto, for your extremely detailed review; I really appreciate the effort you put into taking a look at my poem.
I'll fix the nitpicks, and please, keep an eye out because I have more work to show in a bit
I definetely like the flow of this poem and i enjoyed reading it from start to end.
Keep it up!
,writingaway
Hey! Tory here, I really loved the idea behind this poem and it was in stanza's so thumbs up from me! Each stanza really had wonderful descriptive qualities but, there are just a few problems with the flow. SO, I will just give you some examples of where it was a tad awkward, if you don't mind of course.
And yeah, you should be set to be an even more awesome writer!! Okay I will begin nit-picking, sorry...
Okay, I understand what you are getting across, but I think the flow issue has more to do with the grammar. After Maybe a period or semi-colon. Also We know the crash broke you but what kind of crash, emotional, physical? Both? You concluded the poem and I still was a little confused as to what happened, maybe a personal pronoun; he, she, it,... Grammar is one of the hardest parts of poetry, it takes a lot of practice. Read it out loud to yourself, doing that has helped me bunches!
Semicolons are used in interdependent statements such as the one above. I use them a lot because it allows more meaning with fewer words.
Stanza 3 had a strong beginning! But, it seems to become awkward towards the end.
The last line was redundant considering you already used that in the second line. This also is another example of where a semicolon could go. Also the last line should end in a period. And again what exactly took the air away?
I loved this stanza, actually it was my favorite one. The imagery was awesome! I loved physical aspect. The first two lines should be combined, and a semicolon placed between cut-off and forever.
I know I'm sorry I keep picking on the grammar but truly I just want to help, a lot!
Stanza 6:
I don't recommend using contractions, you could could say
Repeating gone is redundant. The thesaurus is wonderful!! I use it so many times I have synonyms coming out my ears haha! Overall I enjoyed this poem, it just could use some mechanics and a little bit more elaboration. You definitely have a gift and I can't wait to read more!
Thank you. <3 Keep writing please?
Great work, i like the effect your poem brings, but one thing though, the stanzas did not have a uniform rhyme pattern, but all the same, kudos.
I like the way this poem flows. It feels like you're in a crash as you read it. It's a really cool effect. There were some grammatical errors. Sometimes it' s hard to fix grammar in poems because you don't know where to start or how to look at it. I have a trick. Just write the poem in paragraph form and then space it accordingly. It works. Besides some grammar issues it was great. If you want we to go through it more carefully and fix some of the mistakes I saw just PM me.
-Kels