Published June 15, 2011
“Pezzo di MERDA.”
“No need to get so angry.”
She shot her a look of haughty derision, “No need? Then you fix the fucking hole punch.”
Joanne raised a fine eyebrow and reached out for the colligated fragments of metal and springs. Her distraught friend flung it into her palm and returned to swiping the thick layer of dust from the empty shelves in the common rooms.
She closely examined the hole punch, deciding that it was most likely beyond repair. “No, I agree with you now, it can’t be fixed.”
The other woman refused to turn and face her, most likely growling with intended disparition – although they were nearly done cleaning the room, an unpleasant scent of formaldehyde and detergent was rising through the air. It was enough to induce a gag reflex in anyone.
“Kate-“
“How many fucking times have I told you that is not my name?”
“How many times have I asked you not to say ‘fucking’ all the time?” Joanne sighed.
Caterina stared at her, a frown plastering her face, “You’re a grown woman, and you say you can’t handle a little foul language.”
“Not the only foulness I have to endure…” A mumbled escaped Joanne. Caterina ignored her, the desire for conflict leaving her as a gust of lethargy. They cleaned in silence for a few more minutes, before Joanne threw down her cloth and spun around to face the other.
“This is ridiculous. I didn’t leave my family and country behind to work as a maid for some underpaying, undervaluing, and generally ‘under’ institution-“
Caterina cut her off, “-I’m sorry. Were you under the illusion that I gave half a shit?”
It was at this moment in time that Joanne seriously reconsidered the turn her life had taken. Illegal immigrant with no insurance, visa, or stable home, missing a family that lived across continents and currently residing in a room with one of the most disgruntled and unfulfilled women she had ever met.
“I’m aware you don’t.”
“You’re not the only one with problems, stop whining, per amore di Dio!”
Joanne stared in disbelief. Caterina paused and glared back, flames flickering in her eyes.
“You know what, Caterina?”
“What?”
“Fix the fucking hole punch yourself.”
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
That's really good! I love the life you put into the dialogue. I could really imagine hearing that conversation while passing a room with cleaning maids saying that.
Good job!
-CookEmonster
oh I just read your replies... I forgot to check the box "notify me when a reply is posted" which was silly xD
basically spreading my wisdom on grammar (practically the only thing I am wisdom-ous about) is my joy, and I also love reading other people's stuff, so yeah do direct me to your pieces if you want a nice nit-pick and grammatical toothcombing 
I'm really glad what I said made sense and was useful to you
PS you might notice I also love speaking nonsense.
MamaLama,
I really, really, loved this! Your beautiful timing really made this s work of art, even though in the beginning of the story I had trouble figuring out which woman was the cleaning lady, but I think that was the desired effect.
There was just one thing that I didn't like about this piece:
There was something about this paragraph that I didn't really like. I like what you are trying to get accross, but I feel like the way you narrate this somewhat throws off the rest of the story that you are telling. I feel like if you left out the 'most disgruntled and unfulfilled women she had ever met' part it would sound better, especially since by the rest of this passage you can tell that that she is disgruntled and unfulfilled anyway, I think.
Great job, keep writing!
-Alex
The topic was; Your story is about a maid in a dorm room fixing a hole punch.
The comma and full stop thing, I thank you for, I've never actually had it clarified to me, so I'm grateful
The family thing I should have made more clear, because it's supposed to be one family in one country - I meant to say they were in a different continent, but I could have phrased it differently.
And disparition is a word, it's not very commonly used, but I checked it on the Internet and it means 'the act of disappearing' - I probably didn't use it in the correct context, but ah, that can always be fixed.
Thanks so much for the wonderful review, it's the first really detailed one I got so I'm glad someone's taken the time to read my work
hey
good luck in the competition! Well done for getting inspired etc etc, although if you can think about putting the thing you got from the generator as an introduction, or to clarify your starting point, that would probably be good 
I love the realistic bickering you created (and this completely justifies your use of language, because sometimes writers overuse swear words because they think they're adding weight but in fact they're doing the opposite - you, however, are thankfully not one of these writers), and the sense of pointlessness the characters feel and the hatred they have for their positions - in short, a really great "personal" piece, because I really felt something about these people. Your ending was also pretty hilarious - you got the comic timing there ju-u-ust right.
In fact, I liked it so much I want to help you polish it to absolute perfection:
You did it right in the piece as well, so maybe these were just slips - but instead of the comma before the direct speech, with the phrasing as it is you really need a full-stop/period. If you add something like "cut her off with, "I'm sorry..."" or "haughty derision, saying," then you need a comma. Your choice
I looked this up in the dictionary because I was confused and wanted to check if you were just using a word I didn't understand, but as far as I'm aware "disparition" isn't a word... do you mean "despair" in some shape or form? In which case (I had to think for a few minutes to work it out myself) "desperation" is what you want, or you could have something that suggests a bit more anger, like... "most like growling a plea for strength" as that suggests she's furious... I dunno. I reckon desperation is your best bet
Maybe I'm just being obtuse - in all fairness, quite likely - or you might want to clarify a little, because the first quotation suggests that as she left the family and country behind, the family is in one place, far away. The second quotation, however, suggests that the family members are spread all over the world. If you want to mean just far, far away, maybe "a family that lived continents away" or something like that...
I like to be picky, as you can see, but I honestly did like this. It was witty, it was snappy - I'm just deadly curious what your original started was! please please put it up, then let me know xD
~*cottonrulz*~