Darkness Shall Hide
Where Corruption Cries
In The Soul Of The Bride
Where Greed Flies
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Hate Grows
When Death Plays
Fear Flows
In Our Last Days
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Lust Falls
Death Screams
Greed Crawls
Love Gleams
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139,858 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Hi!!
I hope you're doing well and having a great january (lol wait nobody is because back to school).
I really like your poem - your language is amazing and you have excellent rhyme without making it sound clunky. I believe that poetry is very personal and therefor it's quite difficult to critique, its more of just seeing where you're at and how to get to a higher place.
First of all, your structure is great. I don't know if this is your intention but when reading this I think of the 7 deadly sins and it takes me back to hell, heaven, the church, those kinds of motifs. Honestly your poem is great - revise it a bit with the other reviewers critiques and you have yourself a strong piece. Personally, I think you could look at the main theme here and build more poems, or even stories, off of it. The 7 deadly sins are very interesting, but to make it even better you bring in love and the bride. Play with this abstract idea and you could get somewhere pretty great!
Best wishes,
Maya
I honestly was trying to paint a mental picture of the situation I was going through in life and the world around me at the time. If you read my reply to the review before yours; you will get a small understanding of the personal feelings, outlook, and theme behind each stanza. I will surely look into writing more poems related to the seven deadly sins.
Hi there Malcolm! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.
Overall, there's potential for this to be interesting. It seems to show a story of a world going from a dark place to a brighter future. I liked the line "in the soul of the bride" because it seems to allude to the Biblical metaphor of the Church as the bride of Christ.
However, there is some room for improvement. For one thing, the capitalization of every word seemed really odd and unnecessary. Line capitalization might work in a rhyming poem like this but every word seems overboard. For more info on capitalization and poetry, check out Capitalization in Poetry.
Also, I feel like the first and second stanza should be switched. The third stanza seems to refer to the end of bad things, while the second is about the growth of hate and fear. The current first stanza seems to transition between those two states, which is why I think it makes more sense in the middle.
Overall, this is simple but with a strong message. Keep writing!
Thank you for the feedback, but the poem is actually talking about the end of all things. The church and religion are suffering. The world and all faith is being replaced with hate. The last stanza represents the dying of all things known; death screams because all has ended and he now rules life. The line "Love Gleams" represents the idea that love stays strong even after death.
Okay then. I guess I had a different interpretation of the last stanza because it seemed like bad things were happening to the sins (lust falling, greed crawling, and death screaming) which I didn't read as a good thing for sins. Maybe some rewording would help, like "death screams with glee" and "but still love gleams" to make your intentions clearer.
It is always okay to have a different interpretation than the writer when it comes to poetry. I will have to look into rewording that last stanza; I am extremely picky when it comes to my poetry. However, you are right the last stanza needs reworded.
Hello there! LadyShadows here!
You did a wonderful job on this poem! It flowed very well for the most part and the rhyming was great! However for the last part of the poem it did not flow the way it should have in my opinion. 'falls' and 'crawls' was fine but 'screams' and 'knees' do not rhyme. They may sound alike but they don't rhyme. However, you seem like a talented person. Keep trying hard and keep writing!
Thank you for the feedback as well as the compliments. I honestly didn't notice that error; I wrote the poem in one sitting without any edits. I just changed the last line; please let me know if that sounds better.